[pretzel]

I think Men in general (not all necessarily but seems to be this way for me) don't think that far in advance. Most guys tend to live a lot more in the now. That's not necessarily because he's passive as much as he just doesn't plan ahead. I don't think of that as someone lettting someone else choose or think about it, I think some people's minds just don't work that way. I have found that to be the case with many guys that I've dated...

Not sure you're gonna solve that one just by making him less passive.

I'm not sure that is a trait of passiveness.

Throughtout the thread there is two distinct types of passivitiy, physical and emotional. My guess is that there is a greater problem with emotional passivity. Alot of times guys are deemed to be passive emotionally because they don't express their feelings or that they bow to the others wishes. There is some truth. There's also truth that when a guy exerts dominant emotions and feelings they may do it at their own expense.

"If mama ain't happy, no one's happy" is a true statement in my house.

[Ashlee T.]

Not sure you're gonna solve that one just by making him less passive

Maybe not. I just thought that maybe (I've spent many years pondering this passive problem) the two things were connected. I don't view that behavior as just "aloof", I view it as not wanting to think for oneself, or being unable to think for oneself. And I attribute not wanting/being able to think for oneself as a quality of being passive. Sort of like a resentful dependancy type thing. The silent brewer....who would rather someone else think things through and make decisions so they don't have to deal with the consequences, but yet end up resentful because at some point they realize they can't think for themselves.

She told me she had dated a lot of different guys and most of them were passive or "wimpy" as she put it.

It doesn't seem to be uncommon...and perhaps a lot of passivity is mislabeled. I don't think my guy is "wimpy" in a general sense, but I do see him as "fragile" in a way that makes me feel like I have to be so careful what I say, or how I say it, or what I do because passive people seem to be easily wounded in some situations. Like if he (I shouldn't say him specifically, because I'm referencing ex's as well) says "wanna go somewhere and get a drink?", I feel like I have to say "sure" even when I don't want to because in the past if I said no, he'd bring it up at a later time "well i tried to make plans for us by asking you to go out for a drink that one time and you didn't want to!". So it makes me feel like I have to be so careful or I'll "scar" him.

Maybe lose the "depend" and the "desperate" (I have my own "desperate" - so understand the feeling) think more of someone to be a partner? It's that vocab thing, different feeling to the words.

Gotcha. And you're right, I used the wrong words to describe the feeling. And "desperately" was definitely an exxageration. But it's true, I want to be ABLE TO depend no someone, not in the sense I want someone to take care of me.....but in the sense that I want to be able to "count on" my partner. And it seems that with passive men it's hard to "count" on them because they're always "counting" on me.

LanaBear - in my younger years, no I wasn't good at holding back. But in my adult years, there have been MANY times and in more relationships than just this one that I sit back on a regular basis and watch a "fender bender" happen because they are doing something I KNOW is wrong, but because it doesn't directly affect me, I say nothing so they'll learn on their own. Current fella does things often that he doesn't think through. And I have a really hard time understanding the passive type of thinking...and that's sort of why I started the thread.

Is he intimidated by me? Yes. But not because I've jumped at him or mistreated him. It's because he says I'm the "brains". But it's not that he's not smart, he just doesn't utilize it as often as he could. So because I'm the "brains", it's my responsibility to think of everything, to give him direction, to stimulate his mind, to give him different perspectives, to make him a better man. But I have routinely found that with passive men, they give very little (if any) of that in return.

My BF text me earlier and said "I'd like to go over and finish up your yard mowing for you today if that's ok?". So that was some initiative. Much more so than he would have given at one time. Maybe he's learning............sloooowly. hehe.