[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know I wrote a long reply and it went missing

In any event, 50 is not old... I understand you've been on your own for 6 years and in that, you've found companionship, and you feel like a teenager again.

At 47, I also know that feeling, but I darn well still need and want and desire, sex and intimacy..

What your missing out on is that, is dates, is him sleeping over, is him holding you whilst you fall asleep, cooking breakfast, walks daily, love, intimacy all of that.

What you have is a bond.. A strong friendship..

I have fybro and I still have sex Lots of it... as well as giving to him, so that's just where she is at, where he is at...

Your more of a friend, than a mistress...

And, now you know you can love again, be loved and find life.

Can, I suggest that you keep this special bond as a friendship, and only a friendship and believe in yourself and the big wide world out there, that you can find someone that will be there for you, in a relationship and you can be happy.

I am separated.

He is separated.

I didn't find him, until I reached 2 and a half years of separation but it is beautiful to cook dinner together, watch a movie together, go out, wake up next to each other, make love.

Please don't miss it all because you have a "friend"...

He has chosen his path.. It's time to choose yours.

If you didn't want the answer you wouldn't have posted this thread... You are in need of more love and your not sure how to get out there and find it.

He has made his stance. He will remain married. But even more, what he is missing he is getting from you. Emotional love...

What you are missing you aren't getting from anyone.

He couldn't be that selfish as to not understand and let you move on, whilst remaining exactly what you both are, good, strong friends.

CW

[grrrr]

It sounds like... treated more like a bad drug habit than the love of his life.

Hi! That's hands down the best line that I've ever read!

[rcoreyus]

Difficult and complicated situation.

Would it make you happy to spend you life with this man?

[BabyGirl]

Difficult and complicated situation.

Would it make you happy to spend you life with this man?

Actually, the strange part is , is that I don't want to live with him or marry him at least not at this point. And what may be even stranger is that I have offered him sugestions, like marriage counseling, him seeing a Dr about the impotency, her seeking help with her problems. She also drinks alot, so I've sugessted she get in patient alcohol treatment.She already has a DWI and just last week ended up in ER from being drunk and falling and cracking a rib.

He has about given up on their marriage, making any effort to repair it. But he also is not willing to instigate ending it. and if she ended it, then maybe I would be more inclined to think about a future with him. But for now, Status Quo is good enough for me.

The point is he is very unhappy, but feels obligated to keep his commitment, at least the marriage part of taking care of her. And I respect and love him for that.

I'd like to reply to CW in another post as there is debth to what she is saying

[WildChild]

Sounds like you are settling. Why not just get your divorce? He's not coming to the US, you no longer love him, just free yourself. You make an attempt to locate him and file and get it over with.
This man is caught up in fuzzy thinking, he feels he need to keep the commitment of marriage to a woman he doesn't love but doesn't see a problem with having or attempting to have an affair?

Sounds like you both have a deep feeling that you don't deserve to be happy in a free, open relationship. You and I are pretty much the same age and this should be a time of your life opening to new possiblities in many directions, instead you have bundled yourself up with a non-husband, husband and a married non-lover, lover. Why?
Let this one be a freind and only a friend - that's what he is anyway. It isn't your place to be a relief valve for his untenantable marriage, he needs to have to face and deal with it. You need to free yourself of both the ghost husband and the idea that you are an emotional mistress and find what will really light up your life.

[Hopeless Dork]

You spent a LONG time waiting on your husband to be able to come to you, and had resigned yourself to spending even longer without him had he not ended contact with you , you may not have even gotten involved with this man.

You are now with a man that can only give you so little, He doesn't like his marriage... but will not end it.

Again you wait, maybe one day she'll get tired of him and leave, maybe she wont... but until then he's going nowhere and you know it.

You say you are happy with the status quo. But it seems your last 2 serious relationship were with unavailable men... including your own husband because of red tape with immigration.

Do you think you are a seeking a situation in which you don't have to give all of yourself to on the off chance your husband came around again?

I'm a bit confused with the affair.... you mention that he is impotent... so is he technically not even cheating with you? You mention steamy but ... but I don't know if you mean just making out etc..

And if thats the case... do you not ever feel the urge to be in a normal sexual relationship? I could understand being supportive with impotency if you were his wife...

But to sneak around and have an affair with someone that is impotent seems... a lot of risk and heartache for not a lot of "action".

Are you leaving yourself open to meeting other, single, available men? Open to being the one for someone? You are 50, not 100! You have plenty of time to enjoy life to the fullest... I hope you are considering doing that?!

[BabyGirl]

To CW,

You seem to be very wise and experienced and have also gone thru tough times and relationships.

You are correct in many of your assesments. Yes We are Friends, first and foremost. But more than that we are (or feel) we are Soulmates. It is not just the sex or attempts thereof, there is the connection or bond as you called it.

It is much deeper than just friends. Example: we mostly keep in touch by Txt on the cells. We will be thinking of the other and one of us seem to " feel " it. One of us will txt the other and sometimes both txt at the same time. We seem to "feel" it when the other is down or not happy.

When we do meet, it is more of the talking, walking hand in hand, stopping for some passionate kisses. We go to the woods on weekend days, sit by the river, watch the Eagles and other wildlife. And Yes get very Romantic and attempt to make love. We both get a bit frustrated and then just go back to our shared enjoyment of Nature and each other.

Our frustration is explained on his side partially as " he feels he is being unfaithful to his vows" even though he gets none (sex or loving emotions or kisses) at home. It still weighs on his mind that desiring another woman is wrong. My frustration is as you said, I love and can love and should be made love to by the one I love.

Then I look at it this way.. If he and I were married and he had E.D. ( Impotency) would it take away or diminish the non sexual act of Loving him ?

Could I, would I still love him if he was handicapped, in a wheelchair, lost a limb, ill with a deadly disease ? Would the Physical act of sex, change my love ?

The answer is No!!! No It wouldn't. I would still love him, desire him, want to be with him.. So it is not just a Sexual relationship. It's Soul Deep, Mentally Deep. Hard to Explain...

Would I like to wake up with a man in the morning ? Yes I would. Do I Deserve to ? Yes I do. I deserve the husband I married in 2003, but that is not how things go. Something I accept and cannot change.

To simplify this , I am not nor ever will ask him to leave his commitment, His promise to take care of his wife. He loves her, he loved her when he married her. He loves me in a different kind of love. As CW said ( I believe) I give him the Emotional love, the feeling like a Man that is loved. Not sexually loved, but whole person loved. He does the same for me.

Other than waking up each day together, We are Bonded, share the same things in common, interests, desires.. We both say, if only before you. If only we met sooner. If Only !!!! So for now it is what it is.

I will get to the " Risky" part of my first post later. Right now I have to go to work. I do want to thank all of you for caring enough to ask the questions and try to help.

**** Note to the person who said I was like a bad drug** Well all I can say is , there are good drugs too. Ones that enhance your life, make it better, make it longer, make it less painful. But you usually have to find and pay for those from a physician.

But the most Powerfull " Drug" is Love. And I'm proud to be his " Drug" and have him Mine .

[BabyGirl]

To Hopeless..

Wow , you also have good questions. Sorry I didn't post the one to CW faster.

It may have enlightened you on a few of them.
Hopefully I can take one of your questions at a time and at least attempt to answer them.

1) Yes I have waited a long time. And Seriously I do not know if he is even alive or remarried in his Country/ Countries, as he is Dual Citizenship.

Yes I married a man that I loved and cared for, even though he was NOT from the USA. We tried, we went thru the hoops ,We decided to not have our marriage here in the USA, be one that would haunt us/him every day he was here illegally. This is not political , this is the law of our Land. Not of Our Hearts or Love.

2) Again I wait. Wow, yes I do. I wait and wait and waited. And I let myself fall for someone other than my husband. As I am still legally Married by law in the good Ole USA. I found someone whom I care deeply for. Who completes me, Compatible to my personal, my desires, opinions and views.

Yes he is married.And so am I. Is he happy in his marriage ? No!!! And I happy in my marriage, No.!!! Did we both (all 4 of us) Promise to Take care of each other, support each other thru sickness, health, financial responsibility, ( wedding Vows ) Yes we all did.

Are we all doing that ??? Not that I can see. Not in my own Personal relationships. I cannot keep Every Promise, But I can Try to.

2) My last two relationships are men I cannot have or am unwilling to put in 100% ? That is an amazing and interesting thought.
I have been married twice, I am/ Was a WIDOW from my first husband of 15 years. I am not sure if I am a widow again, ( read the other post on the no contact agreement and the 7 years comming up and the Santiago Chile, where I last thought he was ).

3) Technically , Cheating is defined on Promises and Contracts. A marriage licence is a Contract in our Country ( not sure where you are from).
You make a promise, you keep it or brake it.
As it is . I am Cheating on my Husband ( unknown whereabouts) and My love is cheating o his wife. And we are both Cheating on each other.. As in Promises to each other. Which are limited to 1 hour lunch time dates, txt when we can and a weeknd day to meet for a couple of hours. A promise to always be there, a Promise to try not to Hurt the other involved. A Promise from my Man to help find my Husband . My man, who is RET Military and has resources that I cannot get ) Is hoping that we locate my Husband.

Why ? because he wants me Happy !!
To the one that said .. Why would I Love a man or person that cannot Sexually fulfill me ? They make Toy's and movies and gave us all humans things to have SEX with. SEX is more than Penetration. Just look up my "Idols" Christoper Reeves and his wife Dana. Not that is LOVE !!

[lucybelle]

Well I hate to sound cynical, but it seems as though you truly have you mind set as to what you're doing. Every time someone suggests that you end this relationship, move forward, or anything you defend yourself saying that you two love each other. So it seems to me that you're not willing to change your situation. You're not completely happy, but for you the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. I feel like no matter what anyone says you will continue in this relationship until one or both of you gets caught. I am not here to judge anyone or their choice of life, so I do hope you're happy with the path that you set for yourself. Because you and ONLY YOU can chose what you're going to do. Best of luck!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I firstly want to say that It's nice to get to know you.

Secondly, "It's getting steamy and I don't know what to do" is your sub-conscious talking and since posting that, your defence is filled with love, counter-acting your initial thoughts, the reason why you came here.

Soulmates. Bonds. You obviously believe in them as much as I do, that connection, your thinking of each other at the same time, text each other at the same time, finish each other's sentences, hang on to ever word, feel that bond, it's powerful, very powerful.

I believe that we meet people for a reason in life. I also believe that we meet people that we feel we have known all of our lives, yet we have never met, in this life.

I also believe in re-incarnation. That, in that, we will meet someone from our past life, that we have hurt or done wrong by and in this life, we correct that.

Interesting. My ex-husband and I were able to "mind read". I would warn him of things and true to word, they would happen and he'd ring me and tell me, or he would leave something somewhere and I would tell him where it was, he would go there and yep, it was there. We talked about simular things, values, things I believe in, which is more than just us "humans" on this earth, and we meshed with that.

Did I therefore think he was my soulmate? Yes. Was he? No.. In fact if there is a God and a Devil, he's playing on the Devil's side

Did I think any of my past relationships were soulful? No, bar one when I was 20. There was a connection, there was a love, but we were going in different directions and the love once left, remains as "best" but over, a reason why he came into my life.. Perhaps to show me that there is such a thing and you can be loved.

So, soulmate, this person with you. Yes, I believe that there is definately a soul connection. But, only time will tell what that connection is. Is it from a past, is it because you need each other, is it because, of what you've both gone through and the comfort and deepness of your souls, that you both have deepness and therefore, there is this bond of the two souls. Or is it soulmates, for life.

Soulmates for life. If you believe in soulmates, then as I said in my previous post, this may be your best friend, your soulmate, a bond, that can never be broken but one day, it may end, in the manner that it is in now, as its job has been done.

For instance, he finds your husband. And, your husband wants to be your husband, always wanted to be, has never stopped loving you. And, a way is found in which you can be together.

Point being, is understand that there is a connection, a bond, two souls. But understand, that also, it will be that fairy tale you are seeing, or it will end, in the way in which it is but with the knowledge that, that bond can never be broken. But, the job has been done and so, you will move on, or backwards to where you were.

It will go one way or the other, that much is a given.

I just want you to see that from my perspective, so that in the future if that ever occured, you see it.. And, understand the reason why this person entered your life and you his.

If, it goes the other way, it doesn't matter, your intuition was right.. But, you need to be prepared if it's not.

You've tried to guide this "soul"... He took on a woman and tried to guide "her"..

It hasn't worked either way... as far as I can tell from what you are saying, she won't and isn't getting help and nor is he, they are just living.

Would his wife leave? I don't think so... She is down and out, her pain from her injuries has driven her to drink as well as other things. She took the negative route, instead of beating it and fighting it. And, so she can't love, has no love for herself, but certainly has no reason to change things, she just is.

He will not leave her, he has stated this. He also feels that he's crossing the line, going against his morals, core values.

You also, feel the same.

I think again, that this is an emotional connection that is needed by both of you, and I do get the soul, you know that and I've stated my thoughts of different scenarios of where that will take you both.

Yes, we can satisfy ourselves, yes, love goes beyond sex, it also lies to us and tells us that what we have, is so deep we can't swim, it's real, it's beautiful and it's how it is.

If I was to predict the future? I would say, at some point that love will highten even more, to a level that will create pain. And, someone is going to let go as a result.

I liken things to this. "If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they're yours, if they don't they never were".

So, there I am saying... If this is love, if this is your soulmate, if this is the one, then one day, it will be no matter what is in your paths at present. No matter, if you leave, he leaves, you get on with your life... One day it will happen.

If not? Then, you connected with a soul, deeply and you will never forget it, always smile over it.

Be open to that.

Don't wear chrystal glasses, the connection is real, it's just a matter of where it goes.

CW