[kygirl]

I think sometimes men (obviously) are more physical... Your physical presence, physical closeness, etc and as long as they have that, they don't focus on the other issues that need to be resolved. I wouldn't think of not inviting him as "rejecting" him. Any person (especially with doubts) needs some alone time to think and to figure out what they need to do. It does seem like he is overlooking what is right in front of him, but perhaps, the only way to do see is to spend less time together. It may be best to be open with him. Just tell him that you aren't unhappy just because he's around, but you do need some time to really focus on you and make sure that you are truly able to work through the issues.

Until you can really have that time, I don't think you're going to be able to figure this out. That's not your fault or his fault or PMS's fault. You need to be able to determine whether he is going to be able to be what you need and able to work through this without ignoring things... If he's doing this now, how will things be in 3 years or 5 years or 10 years??

Obviously you know that there are issues to be resolved. Hopefully he will realize that too... Does he have his own friends he spends time with??

[Ashlee T.]

Does he have his own friends he spends time with??

Well....sort of yeah...but different than me. He has acquaintences he works with that will sometimes invite him to a cookout or something like that. And he hangs out with his dad some, like some nights after he leaves my house when I go to bed, he'll go out and have a drink with his dad or if his roomate calls and asks him to he will. But what I've noticed is that his social life is always initiated by someone else. If I'm busy, like last Saturday having a friends bridal shower, he will make sure he's got something to do, but like in that case, he went out with my cousins husband (since she was also at the bridal shower). He ended up getting drunk (though said he wasn't going to cause he had to work the next day), had someone come pick him up from the sports bar they were at and take him to some cookout someone from work was having, and then had to call his roomate to come get him and take him home. Then he complained all day the next day cause he had to work and didn't feel good. hehehe.

[sourpuss]

So what are the 'issues' and what are the positives?

[Ashlee T.]

You mean what are the pros and cons about him as my partner? Or what are the pros and cons of our relationship?

[sourpuss]

Both (list form please)

[Ashlee T.]

Well they might be sort of mixed together but here goes :

Positives:
He's kind.
He's very sweet-natured.
He loves my dog and I love his.
He is accommodating.
He accepts me.
He wants to be involved with my family and I've been very involved in his family.
He's willing to learn and accepts constructive criticism well.
He's extremely giving.
He always shows his appreciation when I do things for him.
He's social and likeable amongst my friends as I am to his.


Negatives:

He is very inexperienced in relationships (or that's the word I've decided fits best)
He's impressionable.
For a big part of this first year, I have played the "mother" role to him.
He's very passive.
He does not think important things through on his own and has depended heavily on me for that.
He's much more clingy/needy than I.
I can't seem to get interested in sex with him again.
He takes no leadership when we ARE having sex.
He doesn't plan things for us. In a year we've taken one short trip, and that was to visit his family in FL.
He says things he doesn't mean and then doesn't take responsibility for what he says.

And being very different, don't know if thats a positive or a negative..and I can see it as being both, so I refrained on that one.

I'm sure there are MANY more things I could think of on both, but those are the ones that stood out in my mind.

[Hopeless Dork]

Can you make the same list of yourself... composing it of what he may see as positives and negatives you bring to the relationship? It might help give you some perspective of where both of you guys are likely making consessions and if some compromises can bet met.

[sourpuss]

Good idea HD.
From my perspecitve, the positives are very positive, not just little things to be over looked. And the negative things are more just personality quirks. He's laid back and passive, that's not necessarily negative, it's just who he is. I get that it annoys you, so for you it's a negative but I think in the grand scheme of things the positives that he possesses are big deal-breakers that most women would need from a man, and you have them right at your feet with no effort.

I'm going to be honest here, you saying that he is willing to learn and accepts constructive criticism kind of gives the impression that you're trying to change him. I think if you both love one another as people, the little things can be over looked. You don't need someone you 'need to fix' and he doesn't need someone trying to 'fix' him. Just my two cents. I think you've had reservations about this relationship for a long time now. What if you were able to 'fix' all the things you didn't like about him? Would you be happy then, or would something else pop up? I've been that person before, constantly trying to make my bf 'better'. But in the end all it does is make them feel bad about who they are, because they are never good enough. I think it boils down to the fact that you like him as a person but you don't like his personality. When you are in a relationship, you're in it for the whole package, good and bad. It's never perfect, never exactly the way you want it. (on both sides) But it's not fair to try to change someone. If you were one of my close girlfriends, I'd tell you to let him go and find a 'manly man' who is more of a go getter and better suits your type. Your boyfriend seems like a nice guy that doesn't need 'fixing', and he deserves a nice gal who appreciates that. Because right now he's just driving you crazy, eventually there will be so much resentment there that no matter what he does, you'll be irritated with him.

[Ashlee T.]

We talked about it some last night. And please understand that it's not my goal to "fix him". He will be the first one to acknowledge his inexperience and that over the past year he has learned alot about relationships, about how to treat someone, etc. Those things were not me trying to fix him so much as realizing that these certain things he did/does are a result of lack of EVER having a serious relationship before me. Passiveness is not necessarily a bad thing for everyone....but when it's to the point that it puts all the weight on the other persons shoulders 100% of the time, (partner #2 makes all the plans, does all the communicating, handles all the "issues", ) then it does turn negative for someone like me. (I'm sure not for everyone). Last night we were talking about it all, and not in any way do I communicate to him that he needs to change. I tell him (and told him again last night) that I think he's a great person and a wonderful man, and that I feel like because we're so different, I am cheating him out of what he truly wants. On the contrary, he seems to be waiting patiently for me to change... (here's sort of his "list") :

He wants me to be more affectionate (I'm not a very affectionate person).

He wants me to tell him I miss him if I haven't seen him for a day or two due to work. I'm not one of those people. I'm a realist. If he's at work for 2 days and I don't see him, but I talk to him continously on phone and text, then no...I do not "miss" him because I know that I'm going to see and spend time with him that very next day. I utilize that time to enjoy my solitude. And he doesn't understand that if he'd ease up on the constant contact, maybe I WOULD miss him....but how can I miss him when he's in some form, ALWAYS with me? Yes, I've told him that but he still feels the need to text me continuously if he: drinks a milkshake, has a headache, is tired, is busy, got new pants, is hungry, etc etc etc. Lol. Yet he wants me to miss him.

He wants me to talk with him about my dad. I've written previously about how I brought up my dad, and brought out a photo album to try to "include" him in that part of my life that really means alot to me. He shut me down, he ignored me, and I felt embarassed and hurt. I told him how it made me feel and never brought it up again. Now he says he regrets that so much, that he was just uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. At the same time, that was an instance where I did open up, I did try to let him in, and he shut me down.....and now I find myself clamming up at even the thought of "opening up" to him about it.

He wants me to talk more about my feelings and show more emotion. I'm sort of closed off like that. And on top of that character flaw in myself, he goes into depression mode every time I've ever tried to talk with him about things (unless they are favorable of course.). He sulls up, acts depressed, tells me the next day how he got NO sleep that night (after we talked), feels like dootie all day the next day from no sleep, feels depressed etc. Of course, that behavior makes me feel HORRIBLE and makes me regret opening up and talking to him. Sometimes I'm a very confused individual, I'm deep, and I think alot........and if I can't talk to him about that, who can I talk to? (you wonderful ladies OF COURSE! )

On the positive side, he thinks I'm very intelligent, beautiful, loyal, trustworthy, a go getter, but also composed and laid back. There are alot of things he likes about me. I sometimes struggle with the sincerity of it, because for instance last night before we talked, he's in this real mushy overly affectionate (in my opinion) mood and tells me "You make me so happy". Then 15 minutes later, he's telling me all the things above. He wants more affection. He wants more emotion. He wants more verbal stuff like "I miss you". So I can't help but wonder, if all these things you want, but are not getting.........how do I "make you so happy"? And how sincere was what you just said to me? Then, I'm more confused but if I say anything he'll insist i'm calling him a liar.

The positives are very positive about him, and I remind myself every day of those things so not to overlook them or take them for granted. Those positive things are what has kept me in this relationship. They are admirable qualities that are truly valuable in a partner. And they are what make it even harder to think of giving up on this relationship.

[pretzel]

BD, can I play Devil's Advocate for a minute?

Is his passivity in all aspects of his daily life or is more that he's afraid that if he makes a decision or suggests something that it would be frowned upon? Are you being overly critical of his decision making abilities?

I understand the constructive criticism concept. Isn't him explaining what he would like more out of from you (ie, affection, emotion, more involvement with your family (give him another chance here)) no different from you offering constructive cricitism to him to help make him and the relationship better? It sounds like neither one of you handle anything other than positive comments very well. Maybe take some of his comments to heart and both of you may open up more.

As for all the "missing you" stuff, tell him to grow up. It's not necessary.