[kygirl]

My SO has this friend who he has known from work for some time. I have not gotten to meet her because the couple of times we've tried, something has come up... She has invited him to a fundraiser as her date on July 3rd. She is married and has a newborn. Now, her husband has to work, so I understand that she doesn't want to go alone, but do you find that odd at all?

At first it didn't strike me as strange because I realize they are friends, but the more I think about it, the more it disturbs me a bit... I just can't imagine agreeing to go somewhere (even just as friends) with someone without mentioning it before I agreed? Especially on a weekend when I am waiting to find out when I'm leaving for India....

Am I overanalyzing this?

[kygirl]

Also wanted to add... the more I think about it... I'm not sure it's really as big that he said yes as that she asked. Idk... I mean I have a ton of guy friends, but I don't know that I'd ask someone to go to a big evening dinner party that is married? And if I were married, I think I would feel odd as well? Usually I ask one of my gal pals for those sorts of things??

[pretzel]

Without knowing alot more about the type of fundraiser, is it possible that she's giving him the chance to hobnob with important people at work and important people in the community?

Maybe the language being used as in "date" is innappropriate, but maybe the underlying reason for her asking him may be truely beneficial?

[kygirl]

Yeah is a possibility... I just honestly feel like I'd feel better about the situation if I knew her...does that make sense? I mean, I hate to say it but part of me hopes it is just what you said. I hate the thought that she's going to be using him as her "fill-in" everytime her husband is unavailable... Especially not knowing her.

[Ashlee T.]

Need some more details..... he knows her from work, but do they actually work together to where he'll be familiar with the people at the dinner?

I wonder does her husband know she has asked another man to be her date for this dinner? As a woman, I would think that if I were married, hubby was out of town, I'd go to the dinner solo or with a girlfriend who was going also just out of respect for my marriage. I guess I'd feel sort of odd showing up to a dinner with someone other than my husband. Are she and your SO extremely close?

I mean, honestly it's not something I would do if I were in her shoes I don't think. I'm sure it means nothing to him, but yeah it would have been nice if he'd gotten your opinion on it prior to agreeing....just out of respect for your relationship. I think if the situation were reversed, he'd probably feel a tinge of discomfort about it as well.

So yeah....more details please.

[kygirl]

Need some more details..... he knows her from work, but do they actually work together to where he'll be familiar with the people at the dinner?

I wonder does her husband know she has asked another man to be her date for this dinner? As a woman, I would think that if I were married, hubby was out of town, I'd go to the dinner solo or with a girlfriend who was going also just out of respect for my marriage. I guess I'd feel sort of odd showing up to a dinner with someone other than my husband. Are she and your SO extremely close?

I mean, honestly it's not something I would do if I were in her shoes I don't think. I'm sure it means nothing to him, but yeah it would have been nice if he'd gotten your opinion on it prior to agreeing....just out of respect for your relationship. I think if the situation were reversed, he'd probably feel a tinge of discomfort about it as well.

So yeah....more details please.

They *used* to work together. She works in the same field but at a different business now. From what I've gathered, he, her and two other guys used to be good friends prior to her getting married. Then, he and one of the other guys went to this new place. He talks to her hardly ever, but some of that is probably due to the baby and marriage, etc. They worked together about 5 1/2 years or so before she went to the new job. I guess they used to hang out quite a bit with work and stuff but they haven't hung out in the last 6 months so it's not like they are super close (by my definition of close)

I mean, I get the having friends of the opposite sex... I really do but it just doesn't seem like something you do... and although he might run into some business people who might be there, you're right. I wish he'd gauged my reaction prior to doing it instead of after because now I feel like no matter what, I'm the bad guy.

[Ashlee T.]

Yeah...there's not a lot you can do about it now. It's probably not worth causing a big stink over. Because you're right, then he'd have to back out her on cause "my girlfriend got upset about me going with you" and then you'd look like the jealous girlfriend.

And for you I don't really think it has anything to do with not trusting him, or being a jealous girlfriend......I just think you feel a bit disrespected by her for even asking him, and by him for not considering your feelings in it prior to agreeing.

So...if it were me...and we all know I don't always make the right decisions so take it for what its worth....I'd have to talk to him about it at a time when I could be totally non emotional about it and not get upset. And I'd have to tell him how the situation made me feel. Communication is key....but at the same time, gotta choose your battles.

But truth is...like I said, I'd feel a bit disregarded.

[kygirl]

Yeah I agree. Now is not the weekend to talk to him about it But you hit the nail on the head... I felt like an after thought... It's a holiday weekend and a Saturday night and I felt like all I got was an "oh yeah I'm going to this thing with X on Saturday." Definitely didn't make me feel good at all about it.

Not worth throwing a big fit over which is part of the reason I wanted to vent here first, but maybe I can run by him. Just nice to know these things upfront. I mean, if she's asking him then I'm sure she would be willing to wait a day for him to get back with her.

Oh and I didn't respond but no, not leaving KY just moving across town to my own apartment for a while. I'm over the roommates... Just trying to write a paper, pack, figure out when he's going to India, make sure apartment stuff is straight, etc and have all of it coming up in the next 13 days! STRESSFUL

[Hopeless Dork]

Yeah, I can see how that would bother but ... its a done deal so any complaints you have about it now will possibly cause him to react, decide not to go and make you feel bad and look bad to her. Not worth it. She's married, new baby, I doubt she's hankering for a hot peice of action. But I know this isn't a cheating worry, this is a basic repect worry... like wanting your feelings to be considered in decisions he's making, especially "dates" he's accepting.

At some point after the event... (not directly after lol, don't wait at home with arms crossed ! but at some point when he's already gone, just talk to him. don't slam him, just be honest with what made you uncomfy with the whole thing. Trust is key especially if he will be travelling for work soon and dinner out with a friend might be more common... so it will be a good jumping off point for discussion on how the two of you will feel about those things , bounderies etc, while on a distance.

[kygirl]

That's a great idea HD... You're right, I'm not concerned that there is anything going on necessarily but it'd be nice to be considered when making these kinds of decisions rather than just being like "eh, I'm doing it" And I don't think he thought about so it's not like I want to be mad at him because I don't think he did but I like to be treated with the same considerations someone would want of me.

We'll give it a couple weeks