[Ashlee T.]

My friends son is 5. We've been friends for about 10 years, but somewhere in the 10 years she got married, had a child, and we just grew apart. Now she's going through a divorce and she has come back into my life. Back around Christmas, we got together for the first time in several years. This was before she started going through the divorce, but she wanted to see me and do some shopping etc. The bad idea, was bringing her 4 year old. (Now he's 5). He is the epitomy of rotten. Keep in mind this is a kid who hadn't been around me since he was two, and the second he walked in my house he's throwing metal cars down on my hardwood flooring, banging them up against my walls, throwing them and hitting glass tables, spinning in barstools, going through my pantry and refrigerator etc. She never even reprimanded him. Then, during dinner he wanted something that was on my plate (some toothpicks holding my sandwich together). Because I wouldn't give them to him, he would get up from his seat, walk over and put his hands in my plate. I told him to stop and would push his hand back, but then it became a game to him. She politely told him to stop a few times, but when he didn't listen...she did nothing. Then, shopping was AWFUL. He was running constantly, getting into the displays in store windows, pulling on things. At one point he took off running because she told him we didn't have time for him to ride the little car rides. So he took off and ran to them, got in one, and instead of her reprimanding him, she said "Ok....one ride then we have to go". One ride turned into 3 and even then he threw a total tantrum when we left (even though we were leaving to go to Toys R Us). He threw a tantrum and kicked the back of my seat the entire trip (I was driving). She ignored him. Had it been me, Toys R Us would have been totally OUT of the question at that point. But no.........we went. By the time we got out of there and got back to my place, we were both at our wits end, literally almost sweating. This is when he demanded he was hungry again and no matter what I offered him he declined. (Apparently I don't have food that kids like). That's what he went through my pantry, cabinets, and refrig. This resulted in tantrum #550 for the evening. After an hour of him crying and his mom saying "I'm sorry sweetie, there's nothing for you to eat", I offered him MY leftovers because he didn't want his own. That seemed to do the trick.

Now, I tell you all this so you'll understand why I feel the way I do. Now, she's going through a divorce, so every other weekend she doesn't have him. She came and stayed one weekend on a weekend he was at his dads. Now she messages me this morning and asks "what are you plans for the weekend?" , I respond "I don't know yet. I 'm sick, feel awful...so I may just stay in and rest. Don't you have (sons name) this weekend anyway?" She said "Yeah, I just thought maybe if you wanted some company we could come down and stay with you?". I responded "I don't know, by the way things are looking I'm gonna need nothing but r&r this weekend". She didn't respond.

Why on Earth would she think that's how I would want to spend my weekend after working all week? I love kids, I have a blast with kids.........kids that are respectful and made to behave. But there's not much worse than having to tolerate a badly behaving child whose parent will do nothing about it. Based on some of the stories she's told me lately, it seems the divorce has only made him worse. IMO, she's being totally selfish by even asking me to have them as house guests all weekend.

Have any of you ever been in this situation? I want to be able to do things with her, and I'm not opposed to even doing things with her son some, but asking me to come stay the weekend at my house with him is a little much. I know eventually this is going to hurt her feelings....and I'm just not sure the best way to handle it.

[sourpuss]

I have friends like that, so I completely understand. She may have asked you because she actually needs a break from him.
It's such a touchy situation, people NEVER take well to others telling them how to parent. The only advice I can offer is limit your time with the kid and when he is around, continue to tell him no when he's misbehaving, hopefully she'll get the hint.

[KMonte85]

I honestly think you handled the situation the best way possible... declining her offer to spend the weekend together (at your house? kinda odd of someone to invite themselves and their kid over for a weekend!) by telling her you weren't feeling well instead of declining and telling her it is because of that pint sized monster she'd be carting along.

There's nothing good about the situation. The kid is a brat, and it seems mom is too tired/defeated/oblivious to intervene and you know if you said something you would be the bad guy, nobody wants to be told how to be a better parent, especially by those who do not have their own kids.. since apparently not having children = being clueless about how to get them to behave properly (bull pucky as far as I'm concerned).

Best thing is to do what you've been doing I think. Spend more time with her when she doesn't have her son.. occasionally have (short) visits with her when she does have her son, and preferably in a neutral place if possible - not your home- so anything he destroys will be your friend's problem. If/when she suggests a weekend adventure with her, you, and the monster - be conveniently busy.. eventually she'll get the hint, and if she doesn't or asks you why you're only busy when she's got her boy - well, then it might be time to try to have an open, and gentle conversation about your concerns with her son's behaviour at your house....

[sourpuss]

I suppose if you're brave, next time you could decline because "you're too tired to handle the stress of her little kid...because sometimes he's a bit out of control"
Might be too direct, or not direct enough, but I think a statement like that would at least make her step back and think about it for a moment.

I guess you have to decide if your friendship is worth it or not. Because saying something could really blow up in your face. If it were me, I would assume that saying anything would go bad and then decided if taking the risk of saying something is worth the hassle.

[LanaBear]

Oh man... I have a 5 year old boy and I honestly could not ever ever imagine him acting like that, he KNOWS better even at 5.

It has a lot to do with the parenting. Unfortunately, the behavior and the child are direct byproducts of her, her discipline (or lack thereof) and lack of respect. As easy as it is to blame the kid, most of the blame should be placed on her.

I think you handled the situation well and like sp said, I'd be going for the direct approach next time. She needs some parenting classes, without them, this situation may just get worse and worse.

[Ashlee T.]

Lana - thats what I thought. Most 5 year olds I know aren't allowed to get by with that kind of behavior. He knows he can walk all over her.

Most definitely that is her fault. His father is a bit demonic (okay maybe that's harsh...) so I watch the little one and think "wonder if he will have these same tendencies as his father?". I know all kids are different. My bro and I were daylight and dark, with the same exact parents. BUT, you're right, and I do blame her for his behaviour....thats why it shocks me even more that she is SO blind to it she'd think I'd want to spend the weekend with them!?!

SP - Obviously I care about our friendship. She's not one of my closest friends though we go way back. She doesn't contact me often unless things aren't going well. Nonetheless, I don't want to hurt her. And I can imagine that being too direct about this would hurt her, especially considering the divorce she's going through.

KMonte - I think the biggest prob for me is having him here at my home, like you said. When he's slamming metal cars into my walls and scratching them across my floor, I'm thinking "is she going to fix this?" , and the answer would be no...because to her it's nothing because she's used to it. But I'm 27 and don't have children, and it shouldn't just be expected that I'm ok with any behaviour he throws along. I'm serious, I make my dog be more respectful than she makes her son be. I guess all I can do is try to make sure on weekends I know (or at least think I know) she has him, to be occupied and then open up the window of opportunity on weekends she's solo. I mean if she called and said "hey we're coming down and gonna go to the water park, want to go with us?" I'd very likely do that. If he acted like he normally does, it'd probably be torture, but at least I'd know they'd be going home afterwards. Calling and inviting you and your 5 year old into my home for the weekend, different story!

[PJhavinfunagain]

I also would NOT permit my 5year old (or my older child) act or treat anyone that way. Totally UNACCEPTABLE!

[Ashlee T.]

PJ - I totally agree. I'm serious when I say that I do not even allow my dog to behave that way, in my home or anyone elses.

She's called me twice since then. I've been very sick and have almost totally lost my voice, so I've been avoiding all calls. I guess with her, I feel like a lot of times she's using me cause she wants something to do....and I find it incredibly selfish for her to invite herself and her 5 year old into my home for the weekend. You'd think on a weekend she has her son, she'd rather plan something fun to do with him. I'm just not going to allow that to happen. If she wants to plan to come down one Saturday and take him to the water park or somewhere fun in the area, I'm fine with that. But not to sleepover and have my entire weekend revolve around that chaos. And I've already decided that next time I'm around them and he acts like he did last time, I will voice my displeasure more. It's a touchy situation. I don't want to tell her how to parent, but I can say "If he's going to act like this, I think it's best I go home" or something like that.

I'm just not going to tolerate it.

[kygirl]

I think that it's sad that you have to, but you may have to handle it that way. I have friends (thankfully) whose children are well behaved, but I have been around (or out and about and seen) people's children who act like that. I cannot imagine what they act like at home if they've been allowed to act like that in public.... I don't blame you for not wanting them in your home. She may be lonely, but I think that is rude to expect that someone should have to have both you and your child in their home for the weekend... Maybe if you voice your thoughts the next time, she might realize what a terror he is truly being... She has to reel that in now before he gets older!

PS...Sorry you're sick... The last thing I'd want is a screaming, crazed child running around when I don't feel well!

[BabyGirl]

Gives B.D. a box of Loreal hair color to cover the greys .. Lol


Seriously though, I went thru something similar back in the late 70's..

My best friend had a son 2 years older than my son London. She stayed with us for about a week... Her "Terror" Mikey was just at 4 and London was just 2. She had broken up with her b/f and was waiting for her new place and i had a little place in the country. So she and Mikey came to stay with us.

Mikey was a Brat, no manners no disipline no conscience and no respect for authority.. And this was at 4.
London at 2, even though younger , by far had more of the above.. My friend Pam, would sleep in until noon, let Mikey " fend for himself ". The things that kid did were shocking ( to me) . Behavior was so out of line it was rediculous and nervewracking.

I'm an early riser, usually about 4:30- 5 am. One morning I got up walked out to my kitchen, passing Pam snoring on the couch and hearing noises from the kitchen. There was Mikey, sitting on my kitchen floor,surrounded by a huge puddle of ( it took me awhile to figure out ) his, Racetrack with mountains.

Yep there it was, Flour,Cocoa, Sugar, Orange Juice,Cherrios, Oatmeal, Milk, Coffee grounds and Eggs and gawd knows what else ? The kitchen was a mess, he was a mess and I was still half asleep and wanting my Coffee.. Which thankfully some was left in the canister.

Angry as I was, I simply told him "thank you for making breakfast, but he needed to pick it all up and put it in a pan or plate. And go give his mommy some breakfast. " Then you have to clean up your mess from breakfast, and then go take a bath , And Cars and trucks belong outside, just like the one your mommy has and I have."

Mikey proceded to throw a fit, " I'm HUNGRY ".. I told him he started breakfast and he should get his Mommy to help to finish it .. He took his dirty truck from his racetrack and started to run it along the floor, walls and into the livingroom (where they were sleeping ) He stopped and said that Mommy was sleeping and she's "grumpy" when woken up.

**** Not a Problem here, I saw and Felt what was going on.. asked him to help me make a special Mommy Wake up, if I cooked him Breakfast the right way .. He agreed... The Key word was Mommy & Special Together.****

He cleaned up, as best he could, the Mountain Race`track with the dustpan and spoon and put it in a pie tin.

I made him an egg, toast with jam, sat him at the kitchenette table and went and woke London up, put him in the highchair.. Fed my son & hers and then said Lets get " Mommy" that breakfast, she should get up earlier, It's her job to take care of YOU, But you can do special things for her too .

....
7:30 Am, Pam was served Breakfast in " Bed " Couch with a concoction of the above Mountain Racing Track. delivered by the Son that was always Hungry and left to do his Best to take care of himself on his own, when Mommy is distracted by other things. I, took my son to the sitter and went to work. When I got home Pam & Mikey were gone.

The next time I was asked about them staying was when Pam had a root canal comming up and could I watch him ?

YEPPERS, Let me have him , He can Cook, just needs a few different " Ingredients' for the...

Mountain Muddy Track" He was 7 , the next time I watched him.

~~~~~~
This is the truth about something that all Parents Can or will learn, Can or will put up with, Can teach even Basic to other that show respect. To Elders .. Where do you think I learned my Lessons of Life from ?