[Ashlee T.]

It seems like marriage is a gamble.....sort of like playing the stock market....except in the stock market you'd never put ALL your money into one stock. And the reason you wouldn't, is because past is not an adequate predictor of what the stock will do in the future. Your stock will change, depending on the circumstances.

Okay...so people are not stocks...I get that. But with what I encounter on a daily basis, I wonder more and more why people are so eager to marry. It IS about compromise, but it seems ever too common that as people encounter problems in their marriages, they lose their empathy and compassion for the other person. It becomes about survival, not about happiness and enjoying life. Had they dated for longer than the standard 1-2 years before marriage....maybe they would have encountered these problems before locking themselves into a marriage and feeling trapped. And much as sourpuss addresses, had they not married at all, they would work through their problems if the WANTED to, but not because they felt like they HAD to.

Scary it is. People are complex creatures. Why do we think we "know" someone after a year? I think we need to realize that people are ever changing beings, and IF we choose to marry, it must be for reasons far deeper than "he's affectionate", "he takes good care of me", "he has a good job", "he wants a family". People who marry for reasons like those are going to be disappointed, because people change....and we cannot expect to house can and preserve this human being. I think you must love their soul........ but the problem is, as a society we're so hung up on what is surface level, what is superficial....that we often never get to know our own soul, much less anyone elses.

[BasketCase]

I am getting married in December. And I have had the same thoughts. On the one hand I love this man and do want to spend the rest of my life with him, on the other the odds do seem to be aginst us. I have heard stats like 50-50 divorce rate and the number would be higher if most people didn't just seperate for years before divorce. Or couples that are unhappy and stay together for the kids. I will admit it has been hard to keep the faith at times. If it doesn't work out for whatever reason I can't see myself doing it all again. (not just because wedding planning is a nightmare). But for now I really think we have something great that will last. But I expect it to take a whole lot of work at times. And a whole lotta love and forgivness.

[Olympia]

Compromise....
Give and take, for both! YES...
But when it is only one.. well... you have read it here in abundance..

[Ashlee T.]

BasketCase - I think in the world we live in, with all the things you hear and see in marriages, it's normal to feel scared about it. I'm not engaged, but the thought of it scares me. But don't get me wrong...... I do believe happy marriages exist, they are possible......I just believe that so many of us go about it the wrong way.

Being scared because marriage is a big step, is one thing...very normal. Feeling scared because you're fighting alot, not getting what you need out of the relationship, feeling unloved, unwanted, etc.......well that's a whole different story. I see many women who feel this way go through with a wedding just for the sake of having the wedding with the thought that things will be better once the wedding is over. It doesn't.

Don't let the downfalls in our society steal your thunder. If you're in love and you're happy.....then relish in that, enjoy it. If you're not.....then you have to find a way to deal with that that doesn't include making a lifelong commitment to someone.

[rcoreyus]

A lot depends on your attitude though. If you are the sort of person who could leave a marriage if it goes bad beyond repair, then you are not really risking that much. You have love and happiness while it lasts -maybe for the rest of your life. If it fails, if you are able to leave before it turns bitter, maybe it is OK.

It seems like marriage is a gamble.....sort of like playing the stock market....except in the stock market you'd never put ALL your money into one stock. And the reason you wouldn't, is because past is not an adequate predictor of what the stock will do in the future. Your stock will change, depending on the circumstances.

.

[BasketCase]

BasketCase - I think in the world we live in, with all the things you hear and see in marriages, it's normal to feel scared about it. I'm not engaged, but the thought of it scares me. But don't get me wrong...... I do believe happy marriages exist, they are possible......I just believe that so many of us go about it the wrong way.

Being scared because marriage is a big step, is one thing...very normal. Feeling scared because you're fighting alot, not getting what you need out of the relationship, feeling unloved, unwanted, etc.......well that's a whole different story. I see many women who feel this way go through with a wedding just for the sake of having the wedding with the thought that things will be better once the wedding is over. It doesn't.

Don't let the downfalls in our society steal your thunder. If you're in love and you're happy.....then relish in that, enjoy it. If you're not.....then you have to find a way to deal with that that doesn't include making a lifelong commitment to someone.

Thanks BD I am trying to remain positive. I like to think the odds are there to be beated and that's when you have really acomplished something special.

[rhiannon34]

I think a lot of people get married with the best intentions, but people change with time. Their ideas of what is important, their interests etc. If you think about it, its amazing that marriages last as long as they do - people are so different at 50 than at 18.


Maybe sometimes people just fall out of love. Maybe sometimes they fall in love with what they hope their partner will be, not what they are.

I don't see the point of marriage at all. I don't see why you need to say vows of eternity to be committed to someone, or why it is benificial to people to have "ownership papers" on their so. I am perfectly happy being with someone and never being married. In my previous relationships, being married never made our relationship better in any way, it certainly didn't increase the faithfulness or committment levels. I just don't see the point of doing it. I think it's much more beautiful to have someone come home to you every day because they want to, not because they have to, or they don't believe in divorce, or whatever.

In regards to the quote above, this is why I just don't believe it is realistic to promise forever. Can you promise that you will have hair forever? That you will be employed or have all your limbs forever? No, because no one knows what the future holds and what will happen. I believe in making forever happen as it happens, but you just don't have it to promise.

[BasketCase]

I don't see the point of marriage at all. I don't see why you need to say vows of eternity to be committed to someone, or why it is benificial to people to have "ownership papers" on their so. I am perfectly happy being with someone and never being married. In my previous relationships, being married never made our relationship better in any way, it certainly didn't increase the faithfulness or committment levels. I just don't see the point of doing it. I think it's much more beautiful to have someone come home to you every day because they want to, not because they have to, or they don't believe in divorce, or whatever.

In regards to the quote above, this is why I just don't believe it is realistic to promise forever. Can you promise that you will have hair forever? That you will be employed or have all your limbs forever? No, because no one knows what the future holds and what will happen. I believe in making forever happen as it happens, but you just don't have it to promise.

People are really going to burn me for this one but it's the way I feel.

I see marriage as a technical part of it all. I am with my fiance because I love him and I intend to sprend the rest of my life with him. But I am marring him because I would like my family to all have the same last name. I would like to be able to morgage a house with him, I would like to be able to move with him when the military places him ect... I see marriage as a way of adding convenience and legal bonds to the great relationship I already have with him. If all of these things didn't play a part me and my fiance would be perfectly content just being together. With a verbal commitment vs a written commitment.

Before you cream me for admitting this really think about it...That kind of thing is the only difference marriage really makes in a relationship. (the legal purposes). If it were not for those things I doubt anyone would get married. Because I ,like you, don't need a written contract to know that I love him and he loves me.

[Julietpinkrose]

I use to be scared of marriage too.... untill i met my husband.

When i met him, marriage wasnt scarey, it was something i wanted to do because i love him and i want to grow old with him and have children with him and share every aspect of my life with him ..

No marriage is perfect and no relationship is perfect. There will be times where you will be annoyed angry and sad. Issues will come up.. stress with kids, parents, inlaws etc .. But its all worth it

[rhiannon34]

People are really going to burn me for this one but it's the way I feel.

I see marriage as a technical part of it all. I am with my fiance because I love him and I intend to sprend the rest of my life with him. But I am marring him because I would like my family to all have the same last name. I would like to be able to morgage a house with him, I would like to be able to move with him when the military places him ect... I see marriage as a way of adding convenience and legal bonds to the great relationship I already have with him. If all of these things didn't play a part me and my fiance would be perfectly content just being together. With a verbal commitment vs a written commitment.

Before you cream me for admitting this really think about it...That kind of thing is the only difference marriage really makes in a relationship. (the legal purposes). If it were not for those things I doubt anyone would get married. Because I ,like you, don't need a written contract to know that I love him and he loves me.

I think that essentially what you are getting at is it's for security?? It will make you feel more secure, I think that's why a lot of people do it. I myself don't see the security in it. Call me jaded from my last nightmare of a past marriage. But I just never did have the marriage fantasy in my head growing up. When I was a teen, when planning my life out (hehehe, what a laugh) I always said I would have a child at about 24 and then marry at around 28. I just never saw myself as needing to be married or apparently being ready for it as soon as I would be ready for motherhood. Never wanted to be the princess and wear a pretty wedding dress. I got married barefoot on a beach. I just think people cloudy up relationships with all the legal jargon and expectations. I am sure sometimes people do get some level of security from it, but it's a toss of the dice nowadays. You get more security in life from getting an education and aquiring financial security on your own. Relationship wise, there can be no real security. You cannot dictate the life of another person, no matter what you get signed by a judge. Your life, is in the hands of another human being, who is flawed, and emotional, and can change their mind or screw you whenever they feel like it. FYI, you can mortgage a house with someone without being married, you can follow him to Timbuctu if you want to too.
In my opinion I think another reason for people wanting to be married is they get a lot from the social status. Women especially I think have a tendency to base their identities a lot based on their sexual statuses. Having the title of Mrs. just means some accomplishment to alot of women, like they are somehow a better person to others because of it. And that I don't really get either.