[Ashlee T.]

Any of you here that know me, know this is something I think about alot. Marriage...what I believe it truly is/should be....how I think society views it...how the vast difference in these two things is horribly scary to me.

I don't want to live with rose colored glasses on....and I don't think I do, but it just seems like I'm CONSTANTLY hearing about divorce, marriage troubles, seeing friends in unhappy marriages but feeling "stuck" because they took a vow, etc. The more I see, and the more I hear, the more I think "Oh Lord...I could never do this.".

On here, it seems more and more frequent I'm seeing post after post about "my wife doesn't have sex with me enough".... (and vice versa). For some that means "we only have sex once a week", and for others "we only have sex once every couple months". Sometimes it's because the spouse has lost their sex drive and simply doesn't know what to do about it. Other times its because the spouse isn't happy in the marriage, isn't being fulfilled. And a multitude of other reasons. No matter the reason, it seems to be grounds for divorce. I don't want to be scrutinized if I masturbate, or if I decide that some days I'd rather do some landscaping/writing/painting than spend time pleasing my husband. I don't want my life to be under a microscope by someone that is supposed to love me. Or vice versa.

And it's not just sex....it's lots of things. It scares me. I want to think that if I ever marry, I'll be worth more than that to my husband. I want to think that there'll be so much more to our relationship and our love for each other that we'll be able to TALK about things that bother us and maintain a mutual respect. That it won't turn into a relationship full of harbored resentment, pressure, and incompatibility. But most of what I see, in reality, tells me that's what typically happens.

Then there was this post someone posted about "what do you love about your marriage". Did anyone but me notice how few people actually responded to that? I noticed.

So why does it seem like so many are so eager to get into something that in reality, seems SO stressful and so negative?

[mr.mansview]

seems you have really thot things thru and you know what you want and expect..i see nothing wrong with your expectations..find a man who shares the same goals as you..they are out there..not all men are self absorbed and thoughtless to what women want in a relationship.. is eternal happiness guaranteed in a marriage..?of course not..you marry a man expecting life long love and commitment and vice versa..it doesn't come easily..it takes work..

[Little.Chuck]

Then there was this post someone posted about "what do you love about your marriage". Did anyone but me notice how few people actually responded to that? I noticed.

So why does it seem like so many are so eager to get into something that in reality, seems SO stressful and so negative?

I noticed that too and it made me sad. People seem to think that getting married is a must. If your over 30 and not married you must be ugly or a B1tch. Nonsense. Me and my partner have been together for 2 years on August the 23rd, and although we have said we would like to spend the rest of our lives together, we have not really discussed marriage. We have said what each of us would see the perfect wedding as, where would the perfect honeymoon destination would be ECT. We have not said we will/wont/would like to/would not like to get married. My feelings wouldnt change for him just because we were married and I became his wife, he is the same person whether we get married or not.

[SaharaJim]

I would say that marriage is "TOUGH" based on what I see in other relationships...but i HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 3 YEARS and I consider myself extreemly lucky that my wife loves me. She and I work hard at it....we have ups and downs both emotionally and sexually...but we commit to working through because we DO love each other. I don't suggest that it is easy and that anyone shoulod "quit" the minute things get tough....but you have to LOVE each other. Not infatuation or lust ...LOVE. Then you can make it work if you want to. Don't give up...its out there!

[LanaBear]

I don't even know where to start with this... I know your reservations towards relationships and thankfully have not experienced them first hand.

I'm 32 and have been married to my hubby for 12 years, we've been together for 15. Like Jim up above, I feel that I am beyond lucky in my relationship. We both work beyond hard to make our marriage work. We both share interests, goals, dreams, ideals, everything. I honestly doubt there is another man more perfect for me than my hubby. However, it is not all peaches and cream. We went through quite a few years of tense relations. It would have been very very easy to throw in the towel and say this isn't working for us, but neither of us were willing to give up on each other.

I think many do take marriage too lightly and know, hey, if all else fails, there is always divorce. What if divorce wasn't an option? Would more couples put forth the effort to work through hiccups of a relationship rather than running for the closest lawyer?

You have to find the person who is right for you and don't settle for something you feel you may be able to get through life with. That is not what marriage is about. It is not about one person being studied under a microscope by the other, it's not about the other person controlling everything that you are. Marriage is a partnership.

FWIW, I didn't reply to the happy marriage thread because most of you know I'm in love and in a happy marriage, lol, and sometimes I feel that maybe my happy stories drive people nuts, so I'll keep my mouth shut at times. I hate the feeling that people may think I'm bragging about my relationship when I know there are so many unhappy ones out there.

[jns]

The highs of being married aren't usually discussed here as many who post are having difficulties or questions. If you are getting all the sex you want and the relationship is going fine, why would you post? You shouldn't use this forum as a societal norm, because it isn't.

I believe the thread was: https://www.womens-health.com/boards...g-married.html

[rcoreyus]

I think a lot of people get married with the best intentions, but people change with time. Their ideas of what is important, their interests etc. If you think about it, its amazing that marriages last as long as they do - people are so different at 50 than at 18.

I think that in a lot of cases here you get one side of the story. The person (like me) whose spouse won't sleep with them any more. What you don't hear is whatever the spouse would complain about. I'm sure my wife simply doesn't understand how important this is for me. Maybe there is something she has been bugging me about that I think is trivial but is really important to her (though I don't know what).

Maybe sometimes people just fall out of love. Maybe sometimes they fall in love with what they hope their partner will be, not what they are.

[Mes T]

BD, your post is all about this thread and that thread, and such-and-such post... What we have to remember is that a forum on the internet (even a popular one like this one) is NOT an accurate representation of society. It's just not. Think about it... how many happily married couples would google a forum like this one and post threads such as, "Please help, I'm too happy. What should I do?" If you catch my drift...?

I think to get a proper idea of marriage, you would have to ask a wide variety of people about it, gathering a sample that this forum simply doesn't provide.

You know who you are, you know what you want in a partner, and there's no reason you shouldn't be able to have a fantastic marriage if you ever decide to go down that path.

[Ashlee T.]

Maybe I should rephrase. I wasn't specifically talking of the posts on this thread. Much like myself, I know most people don't get on here to post about how happy their love lives are, and I certainly don't consider a forum the "norm". I used examples from here, because I figured you'd all be able to relate to what I was saying having read the same posts yourself. My thoughts on the topic come from every day life and from my own experiences, and are simply reinforced by what I see some people posting about. But certainly the posts are not the reasoning for my feelings. It comes from things like: seeing people around me smiling at friendly cookouts, but going home and feeling trapped and miserable in their marriage. From hearing people rave about their sex life, only to find out that they're rarely even having sex, but want to make it APPEAR as things are great. Friends who abandoned every friend (including me) that they had, to try to make a marriage work, only to find out an exhausted 10 years later there was no fixing it. From listening to a friend this weekend who is engaged but recently called off her wedding due to some relationship problems, say to me "We've just got to lay out our ground rules". And I'm thinking "What is this...the 10 commandments or something?" Why does there need to be groundrules? Shouldn't the man who loves you (or woman who loves you) know the difference between right and wrong? And if he truly isn't capable of thinking something through enough to distinguish between the two, why are you with him? Lying is wrong, cheating is wrong, doing something you KNOW would make you upset if the other person was doing to you, is wrong. Must I go on? Ground rules..... I have enough "rules" in my life.

As the youngest person my office, I look around and I see 52 year old woman married 30+ years = divorced and had to start her life over, 40 year old woman who waited to get married until age 35, husband cheated on her, now she's divorced. Another woman in her 40's, divorced. Then the ones who are married (with the exception of 2 of them) are very vocal about how lucky I am to be single, how hard marriage is, and one even said that out of all the things in her life her marriage is the most stressful. And it scares me. I cling to my independence like an armed soldier and if someone crosses that line, I fill them full of lead...so to speak.

Lana - I admire your relationship. I know you spent many years of working very hard to get to the point you are now and wouldn't trade it for anything. You should be very proud of that, and I know you are even though you try not to "rub it in anyones face".

Sahara - Congrats on your 3 years. And I'm also very glad to hear that you are in a happy marriage. I think you're right, you have to REALLY love that person. And if you want to make it work, you can....but the key is both people agreeing on WANTING to make it work.

And Rcoryeous - I think you hit the nail on the head. People fall in love with what they think they will have, not what they have. Or even, what they HAD for the first couple months of dating....not what they truly have.

Thank you all for your posts. You're all very insightful. I think sometimes because I am 27 and not married (and not wanting to be married), I wonder to myself if I'll ever be able to trust someone enough to marry them? And if I do marry them believing them to be my forever mate, and they change into Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, will I stay in a miserable marriage just to avoid the big D word? Scary thoughts.

I think I'll just continue to snuggle my dog at nights.

[kygirl]

BD,

I understand a lot of your fears. I still have those fears and my BF having been married before really has those fears as well. My mother was married a few times, my brother has been married a few times, and even my grandparents who I think have really done a good job of showing me how to work through things and stick it out were both divorced prior to their marriage. I think a LOT of things come into play here. Marriage being idealized.. Women being too caught up in the idea of a wedding and not realizing what comes after... People thinking they will always have the same spark they had the first six months of dating... I'm not saying you can't still love being around the person, but it changes, develops and you have to work at it.

I wonder every day whether I'm being a bit idealistic in thinking that I won't ever get divorced. I mean, I've waited this far (now 29) because the times before I *knew* it wasn't right. I think some people know that or sense that but go through it anyway. They think "we've been together 3 years or 4 years or whatever" and they don't realize it would be better to work through it and/or leave before getting married. If people go into a marriage thinking it's going to fix anything, I think most people get a HUGE reality shock. Marriage isn't a fix all. To me, it's about making (what used to be at least) the ultimate commitment. It's an announcement to the world that you love your SO, you are committing to being with them forever, and that you choose this person to make it work with.

Unfortunately too many of the romantic stories in Hollywood end off way before reality kicks in But don't lose hope. A marriage is as strong as the two people in it. If you both realize going in that it's hard and both truly decide to communicate and ride out the "bumps" together, I do believe it can work, but it's a sacrifice. You just have to decide if that sacrifice is more important to you than always getting what you want because sometimes in a relationship, no matter how much you want it to be, it can't be all about you. There are times I wish it could be all about me But as I've gotten older I've realized that the tradeoff is worth it to me.