[Mes T]

Ahh I see where you're coming from now.

I'm (sort of) friends with a couple who has been together for 10 years, not married. I mean they're CLEARLY not going to be with anyone else, ever, so why not get married? I guess one reason is they might be afraid of the same thing, of falling into a certain new pattern that they hadn't anticipated.

[pretzel]

Well BD, at least we all know the dog will love unconditionally.

There's certain aspects in everyone's posts that ring true as generalities,

First and foremost, no matter what the circumstances, any relationship whether it be a marital one or not will always have points in time where you're not always on the same page. Imagine being with yourself in a relationship. Finding the right person doesn't mean finding someone exactly like you. This is the part where rcorey is right in that we get married and have a perception of what marriage should be but not necessarily is, and where others have said that marriage is work which in a sense it is since you're dealing with another person and their own feelings and perceptions.

We spent Friday nite with one of my best friends and his wife. I've known him close to 30 years and her about 27. They are as polar opposite people in personalities that you'd ever want to meet. But they're getting ready to celebrate their 25th anniversary where every one of us who were in our group of friends have been divorced at least once. None of us thought they'd last let alone this long. But the truth is that it works and it works well for them. They have the trust and love and friendship (which is I think key) that has made it successful. They found the balance of those things that many of us don't for whatever reason. That is what I think is key, finding the balance of love, trust, respect and friendship where neither person loses their identity to the point of resentment.

[sourpuss]

Ahh I see where you're coming from now.

I'm (sort of) friends with a couple who has been together for 10 years, not married. I mean they're CLEARLY not going to be with anyone else, ever, so why not get married? I guess one reason is they might be afraid of the same thing, of falling into a certain new pattern that they hadn't anticipated.

Every couple I know that I'm sure are going to be together forever....are not married. Most have kids, own a home together and for all intents and purposes....are married.

In my opinion, the reason I think it works better, not being married, is that everything is negotiated and constantly adjusted to make it work. When you're married, the little things are viewed as 'what? are they going to divorce me over something so small?' No, because divorce is a giant, expensive pain in the ****. Those little things pile up in to bigger and bigger things and tons of resentment and feelings of being trapped form. When you're 'just together', your partner can up and leave any time they aren't happy for whatever reason so you try that much harder to not be complacent and make it work for the both of you.

...just my opinion

[Ashlee T.]

Pretzel - I do think opposites can work...but like you said, friendship is key, along with mutual respect, trust, loyalty, etc etc etc. For me, true friendship is key...then all the other things are just a given if you have that. It hurts me to see couples where the husband goes to his best guy friend to talk about the things he should be talking with his wife about (and vice versa...I always make sure to say that. lol) I see that lack of friendship in so many relationships...

Sourpuss - Quite an interesting opinion, but I think you're right on the money. I think it is in our very nature not to be confined. Though it shouldn't, marriage for many turns into a sense of confinement "I can't get out. I can't afford it. I can't leave my kids. I can't sell this house. I can't face my family and friends. I can't go through a divorce.". Many end up with the feeling of "I'm stuck", "I'm trapped". And by nature, that makes us want to fight for our freedom. Not being married, takes that away because you're right, you can leave, and you know your partner can leave at any time. Makes a big difference.....


I believe it was WC......or wait, maybe it was me....no it was her.... I don't remember, LOL........ that once posed the question, wonder how many people would choose to stay married if they could choose to be unmarried without having to go through divorce or pain/trauma of divorce and without judgement? I thought about that...alot....and I asked a lot of people....many of which had to really think about it and still didn't give straight forth answers. If you KNEW you could walk away....no strings attached....no legal or financial obligations....no mention of it ever again...........would YOU stay in your marriage? The way people responded to that was scary to me.

[hizenberg]

true to that girl, but its a 2 way street and my partners granparents ahve been together 56yrs and they have said it is a lot of hard work and its definately a 2way thing,well obviousley!lol but they also said that you have to keep talking,find time to do things alone,share interest blah blah blah,oh n they said sex comes and it go's in a marriage,it is not a negative thing and i think most who do get married early and dont think rationaley are getting married because it feels right at the time, but just get lazy and loose interest to fight and work at their relationship. the trick is finding someone you can be %100 certain arent going to get lazy n 'give up', society have to learn to push themselfs harder in marriage, and use common sense, in my opinion

[hizenberg]

oh definateley good reply beutiful disaster, i agree with your theory also, 'prisoner' theory, thats a good point

[pretzel]

BD, opposites most certainly can work and work extremely well given one very simple yet important caveat - compromise. When one partner (or both for that matter) are unwilling to do that, then no matter what is done, the tension created will ultimately doom any relationship whether married or not.

Lord knows (and most of you do too) that being married puts a different spin on the "I can't get out..............." syndrome. I'm there now but even though I can make a list a mile long as to why I should get out, I haven't simply because I haven't lost hope. It's very true that there are alot of insecurities and concerns over a divorce many of them already listed. I don't have them but I'm still not leaving yet. That to me is an easy way out that is taken more times than need be. I'm in no way saying that it shouldn't be done, it's just that people that I know who have divorced after a relatively short time (say 5 years or so) seem to do it because of an inability to compromise.

(sorry if this doesn't make sense. it did to me when I wrote it and proofed it)

[WildChild]

I think the points about compromise are true, however what I often see is one person doing most of the 'compromising', while the other pretty much controls. That's accomodation, enabling, abuse - depending on the level. It takes a balanced compromise with both giving and receiving.

[pretzel]

I think the points about compromise are true, however what I often see is one person doing most of the 'compromising', while the other pretty much controls. That's accomodation, enabling, abuse - depending on the level. It takes a balanced compromise with both giving and receiving.

Boy, don't we know that one. And oh so true.

[Olympia]

Agreed,... When one compromises... it becomes the norm. taken for granted. In that, leads to disrespect. Breakdown of communication because one person is being left out. It spirals...