[kygirl]

Jamie,

I still think maybe the counseling might be a good idea. You say it won't work, but at the same time, don't you feel like you owe it to yourself, to your son, and to your spouse to at least make the effort? If you do it for a couple months and you do not see any improvement, then maybe you should leave. You are going to have to deal with people changing (to some extent) in any relationship you are in. Perhaps your spouse doesn't realize you are unhappy to the point of leaving. Telling him you don't get jealous anymore is WAY different than telling him that you are very unhappy, have lost respect, and are not sure if your marriage will work long term. Sometimes men can be a little slow in that regard. You need to tell him exactly what you have told us. Don't beat around the bush. Be honest. Try to remain calm, explain to him how you feel and suggest going to counseling. See what happens. I think you'll be glad that you did regardless of the outcome.

Best of luck to you!!

[jamie27]

I guess the counseling will make it.."real" It's out there in the open and it's something we have to actually work hard and deal with until we see a result. I don't know if I have the energy for that.. maybe I don't want to waste the time and energy for him specifically..but I think this is something I should do for my son. I don't want him to have to go through having two unstable homes just because of me and my issues with my husband.

[kygirl]

Any relationship will be work. You are two different people. Having to work on it might seem exhausting and maybe you will have to work on it harder than some people, but think of it this way... *maybe* you will discover things about each other which will really improve your marriage. *maybe* you'll learn how to better communicate with each other so it doesn't seem so hard all the time. I don't know every single detail of your relationship, and it's hard to ever truly know being an outsider, but I can tell you that if you just run away because it seems hard, you'll have the same issues again down the line. Much better to face them head-on now and give you a chance at being a family than to just give up.

You obviously thought he was worth your time and energy at one point. You just have to get back there. It's worth the shot, even if it seems difficult. Like I said before...if you try and THEN you still don't think it's worth it...then you can move on knowing you gave it your best shot. No regrets.

[stressed]

if you try and THEN you still don't think it's worth it...then you can move on knowing you gave it your best shot. No regrets.

I fully agree with this. Never give up before giving your best. You will regret it.

[jamie27]

Well, I've tried everything on my part so anybody know of any good divorce lawyers in Maryland? He insults me, curses at me, sometimes uses violence but no surprise there, his father is a wife beater and so is his brother. He's never beat me but he has pushed my arm so that it swings backwards and also he's pushed me up against a wall before. I always told myself, once he lays a finger on me, that's it. It's over. He drinks way too much, he's stubborn as a horse and he's a cold hearted jerk. Do you guys still want to root for us to work things out? = )

[kygirl]

Look. No one is saying to stay with someone who gets physical with you. We were saying, based on what you disclosed previously and on the original post, that you shouldn't leave without trying. We can only go on the information that we know. If he is getting physical and/or being abusive emotionally, then you really should consider your options and get your child into a better environment now while he is still young.

The fact is, that regardless of what we think based on what we know, you are the one that has to live with the decision. You are going to have to decide to leave and get out of the situation. Also, you should be able to find a divorce lawyer in the yellowpages. I would suggest being separated and living in different places first before you file. If you own property and with a child, the process can get messy if he objects. If you don't have money, try to see if your parents or a close friend might be able to help you. Most attorneys require a $2,000 retainer or more to take on a case that is contested. You may also contact your local legal aid office and see if you are eligible for free assistance.

[sourpuss]

Well, I've tried everything on my part so anybody know of any good divorce lawyers in Maryland? He insults me, curses at me, sometimes uses violence but no surprise there, his father is a wife beater and so is his brother. He's never beat me but he has pushed my arm so that it swings backwards and also he's pushed me up against a wall before. I always told myself, once he lays a finger on me, that's it. It's over. He drinks way too much, he's stubborn as a horse and he's a cold hearted jerk. Do you guys still want to root for us to work things out? = )

Easy there. Like kygirl said, everyone was giving advice on the information you gave. Still, if it is that bad, that's the reason you should leave, NOT because you still have a thing for your ex.

[wednesdaymorning]

Wow! I have a very similar situation! I met a guy about five years ago. Regardless of the fact that he was 23 and I was 17, I fell crazy in love for him. Nothing really came of it. I mean, we spent a lot of time together and on New Years one year, he kissed me and it pretty much made my life. But we never got together because he was the type of guy that was afraid of relationships. As well as dealing with PTSD which made it kind of hard to get close to someone.

Anyway, throughout the past 5 years, we have crossed paths a LOT. He never had a cell phone or anything, so I never attempted to get ahold of him and I stopped talking to our common friend, but somehow, I'd stumble in on him on his first day at a new job and just happen to catch him on his lunch breaks three times a week. And then there would be nothing. I would hear from him for months. Then it would happen again. I'd walk in to a store, and literally run in to him. I.E. face-to-chest. I most recently saw him three weeks ago after 9 months of nothing. And every time I do see him, I get that crazy butterfly feeling.

Do you feel like it's fate the same way I do? I seem to run in to him right at the crux of something crucial in my life. Almost like he's some metaphorical angel or something. I think the reason we think about them so often and in such good light is because, in all the time that has passed, we can only see the good things that were between us. We're blinded by the reasons it didn't work out and the things that drove us crazy. Every time we see them, it begins and ends on a good note and it's hard to come up with anything bad about this person.

As well as what everyone else is saying, that you are dissatisfied (currently) with your marriage, and it leaves your mind to wander. Think, for a second, if you ran in to him at a time when you're marriage was perfect. Would you be so inclined to think about him and dream about him? Probably not. It's like we're looking for something better, to prove to ourselves that it's okay that we're unhappy. Anyone would be with all the good we're missing out on. You know? I suggest you have another talk with your husband and give it a lot of thought to your happiness and what that entails.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Jamie, it's funny.

I didn't see you having a go at us, over our suggestions, rather you finally getting angry, with hatred for this man, and expressing.

There seems to be motions you go through until you get to the end of your tether..

You started with thinking of someone else, instead of your husband. Then you progressed, to seeing any man sexy really, a realization to yourself something was dramatically missing from your life, then to the thought can you save it? The realization that there are deep hidden things you haven't bought forward to yourself before, allowing it to be in the background, the alcohol, abuse, and physical and now your at that end of the motions, anger, hatred for him...

Usually that spells, you have nothing left to give.

I want to ask you though, you say it's a pattern of his family, father, brother...

Have you ever asked him why he drinks? What is making him down? It seems to be the alcohol that makes him abusive...

But ultimately, you may find that he is who he is, not someone with a positive attitude that with the right woman, can curb his ways, for her.. He seems to hold his money to himself, and not be concerned for family items that are really needed. He seems to live day by day . Was he always like that?

CW

[jamie27]

Oh no~ I wasn't angry with anyone on this forum. I apologize if anyone thought I was lashing out on them. I was just upset with my husband and that was my sarcastic side I guess.. I would never get upset with anyone here..you guys have helped me out so much. You opened your heart to a complete stranger because you genuinely cared. I really appreciate that and will never forget it.