[Robbed]

Hi every one. It has taken me awhile to write all this and admit there is this problem.

During the time my husband and I were having our own very precious children, he had an affair with a girl from work that I am convinced he loved more than me at the time and could not help himself as she threw herself at him too.

It went on for years with me suspecting and asking and of course him lying --I wont go in to it all here as you would need a week to read it--

It all got to the point where she was making him choose between me and my children and her.He then told me about it all and said he wanted desparately to stay with us as we have a very close family and he clamined to love me and wanted our children to grow up with both parents.

he did admit at the time that it was suspected that one of her children was in fact his and that when she told him she was pregnant she told him she wanted to keep it and would claim it to be her own husbands. --I still spin out when I think about it---

All I could think at the time was that this woman was not getting my life partner and the father of my children and that we would not be robbed of a "normal" life. They split.


then several months later she went to a solicitor to get my husband to sign a form stating he was the childs father, and to get us to pay child payments. I was the one that went to another solicitor who told us not to sign anything without scientific proof that he was the father.

She spat it and told her husband he was not the father and the solicitors went back and forwards with us ending up offering her a private agreement re money for the child even with out blood tests.

Husband was pretty sure he was in fact the father. she did not want that --Just wanted him to sign and I supect to split us up. -

It all stopped dead and we never heard from her again as far as I know and that was fifteen years ago. I have not trusted my husband at all and he tell me he adores me but we hardly speak about it much but have manage to bring up our children in a loving close environment and they are doing so well in life but they have NO IDEA.

I have not spoken to another soul about it either. It is all inside but I am amazingly stable I think.

Waht I want to ask all of you is your opinion on wehter or not to tell my children now. they are teens and we still all live in the same town. I see the other child occasionally. God it cuts--- the child is a freind of one of my childrens friends and I know they will come across one another at some stage.

I have no idea what she child has been told re her real father or if she has been told anthing at all.

Should I tell my children. I dont want to hurt them. they think we are all perfect Will it tip them over the edge. I am willing to suffer for ever if it means protecting my babies. i adore them moe than life itself.

This news wuld shock everybody we know as everybody thinks my husband and I are perfect. all my family included.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole world knows and I am living in a dream wold where everyone is protecting me by not talking of it. I hve no idea. My husband and i are very close and will never split. What do I do re the children though. Would love your thoughts ---advice--- please. Thanks Robbed amazingly stable I think.

[Robbed]

Woah sorry about the spelling and lack of editing above. Computer was playing up and would not let me correct and I did not want to type it all again.

[WildChild]

No tests were done. You don't know he is the father. Leave it alone.

[Julietpinkrose]

No tests were done. You don't know he is the father. Leave it alone.

yep i agree

[Ashlee T.]

So sorry you've been battling this inside yourself for so many years.

I sort of think that by staying in the marriage, you agreed to put this behind you all. Just because your kids are older now doesn't mean they still don't need the stable home life you wanted them to grow up with. Telling them this now will turn their world upside down, they'll feel like they've lived a lie and that you and their father have been keeping this from them for years. I think telling them this now will affect them in a very negative way and I do not believe it would do any good whatsoever.

The other option would have been to leave him upon the affair, and let the children grow up knowing the truth, but also knowing that their father and mother both love them dearly but just not in the same home. To me, that was your only other option.. and because you decided to stay, it's not fair to uproot their lives with all this info at this point.

And I agree with WC, you'd be telling them something you don't even know to be true because a test was never done. (Which baffles me!).

Sorry you're going through this. Have you thought about seeking some counseling...so you can talk about this stuff and learn how to best deal with it? What happens when the kids are grown and out of the home? Are you still going to want to stay married to this man?

[rhiannon34]

Wow! You have endured a lot, and it sounds like you have handled it very well, and I hope that you and your husband do have a good relationship now. Did you ever find out why he had the affair? Do you trust him completely now? It sounds like you are stable, but you do obviously have a few unresolved issues bugging you, and you would probably benefit from counseling. It's very obvious you adore your children and they may be the entire reason you put up with all that from your husband, but if it werent for them, what would you want for yourself?

[stressed]

You still see the other child, and this child is a friend of a friend of your child. You still live in the same town. I have the feeling that, like you said, one day they might meet each other. It would be even more of a shock then than before.

If you are considering telling them then you must have this discussion with your husband first. I'm not very keen on the idea of not ever telling them about it. They have a brother/sister out there somewhere, I believe they deserve to know that. It was something that happened 15 years ago and no matter how they would react they will always love you both, because you are their parents and they cannot hate either of you for something that happened so long ago. Maybe not while they are still teens, but I feel they deserve to know at some point in their lives. I would want to know.

Plus, whether we know by blood test or not matters not. Your husband lives believing that he has another child. If he had any doubts he'd ask for a test. He didn't. The last thing he'd want is to be accused of having a child when it is not his. Since he never asked for a test he must have known that there are very good chances that it is in fact his own.

[Ashlee T.]

but I feel they deserve to know at some point in their lives. I would want to know.

I agree with this....I just don't think at this point in their lives its wise to tell them. I'm assuming they're teenagers. Teenagers battle so much emotional/internal strife anyway. This will confuse them and make them feel betrayed...in my opinion.

And I do think paternity matters. If the kids believe this is their brother/sister and then a few years down the road the kid says "I want a paternity test" it could get super confusing for the kids if the kid turned out not to be his. To me....better to either get it all out on the table, be open and honest about it, get paternity, try to include this kid in your life.... or leave it alone totally at least until they are adults.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I note you say "should I tell the children"... does that mean that you don't intend to ask your husband and decide that together? Or if you were to tell them, you've both decided you should do that...

I ask because, this has eaten you up and yes you've made a stabble 15 year marriage and you should be very proud of yourself and I feel your pain/hurt from all of those years ago..

But, listen to what people are saying, she refused a paternity test why? She, tried to get money out of your husband but ended up dropping it, why? She then disappeared and never tried again, why?

I think she used it to keep him there at that time, I think perhaps she doesn't, didn't know herself and maybe didn't love her husband and therefore used that for him to leave, or she never said that to her husband, just claimed to have said it. The money side happened when your husband ended things... Revenge.

I think that you can not tell anything to anyone, unless they are facts, proven facts...

This is all hearsay and I think it's time for you to totally let go of what happened, enjoy your life, your children, there is nothing to tell.

There are no facts.

CW

[Robbed]

Thank you all so much

I feel so much better just having spoken (typed) to you all and to hear that none of you are going to bag my husband is so important to me. I typed out a huge reply to you all but have had a lot of trouble getting the post submitted. No doubt something I am doing wrong--(great mother, not good on computers) but I will work on it when I get some private computer time next week. You have all helped me so much more than you could imagine. You are the only councilors I will ever need. I thank you so much for being here for me. Chandlers wish-- you have hit it all in one swipe. Revenge was definitely on her list and I was not impressed that she was using the child as a weapon. My last letter to the solicitor was those words, and that is when it all stopped. I will get on with enjoying my beautiful family and husband and deal with what ever the future holds when it happens, if it happens. Love Robby xx