[Despina83]

Needless to say I'm feeling pretty down. A little background: In grade school I was teased and bullied because I was so shy, awkward, and different. I was always a really quiet, sweet, obediant kid that the teachers liked. Until 5th grade when the teasing and bullying got severe and I coped with it very badly-by turning into a trouble maker and an attention seeker. On more than one occasion the whole class would be teasing me and I'd storm out of the classroom, yell "Everyone here hates me anyway!!" and slam the door as hard as I could. And then I'd get in trouble. I was in the principal's office constantly and even the janitor would yell at me "You got sent out in the hall AGAIN?!" Almost every night I'd come home crying and angry. Sometimes I'd even tell my parents I wanted to shoot everyone in school. I was becoming very depressed and hateful.

In sixth grade the teasing got more physically abusive. That was when my parents had become so worried about me that they fufilled my wishes and took me out of school, and began homeschooling me. My mom would drive me to homeschool group get togethers at all kinds of different places, but I was still to shy and never fit in with any of those kids. They were, you know, really religious, conservative kids not allowed to read all different kinds of books, and I just didn't fit in with that crowd. So, still no friends.

I became pretty sheltered being homeschooled. My parents felt bad for me, and I admit I was spoiled and had it too easy. I didn't even get my first job until I was 19, nearly 20. And when I did, I was terrified. Two YEARS later I was fired for not being social enough with the customers (I was a cashier). Customers would always mistake my shyness and trouble looking them in the eye for rudeness, being stuck up, whatever. A month later I got a new job next door, where I still am.

In 2005 I had started taking college courses off campus. Everyone told me I'd make friends then, but it never happened. It didn't help that some of my classes were telecourse and online classes. I did this because I live so far from campus, it was much easier. I graduated in 2008, still no friends.
So at this point I'm 23, and have no real friends that I can go out and do anything with. No one. And I've never been on a date. Lately I get really upset and cry about it more than I used to. I'm also currently stuck in a job that I hate and when I'm there I'm miserable. Not to mention incredibly sore because I still have social anxiety and I have terrible back tension at work. I can't get through a shift without gulping down pain pills, and sometimes it hurts so bad I just want to rage and start throwing things off the shelves. So at work I'm unhappy. At home when I get days off, I'm happy at first to have time to myself, but then I end up depressed and angry because I have no social life. I'm either at work, or I'm at home, lonely. If I want to go shopping or see a movie, I go with my mom. I have about 80 friends on Facebook, but none of them are real friends that I actually go out with or talk to on the phone. They're just co-workers and ex-coworkers or people I chat with online that live on the other side of the country or on another continent.

My mom seriously thinks that girls are jealous of me and guys are intimidated by me because I'm so pretty. I call on that one. Anyone who really IS that pretty is not going to be a 23 year old friendless virgin who's never been on a date. I feel like no matter how much I joke with and chat with co-workers, they make friends with eachother and never me. I guess I have no idea how to make friends. I guess I just repel people. All I can say is that it's getting really, really depressing. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of nervous breakdown, when you couple my job with my lack of social life. I guess I might as well start collecting cats now.

[Despina83]

On that last paragraph I meant to type "I call bull on that one". I can't edit my post because my PC is having some sort of meltdown and has just been freaking out trying to type on here.

[sourpuss]

*sigh* I feel for you. I can see how you've gotten to this place. I live in a town that is super hard to make friends, I don't know why, it just is. Everyone says it. And it's a small college town, you'd think it would be easy.
Everyone that I am friends with I met at work, or through a hobby. I even met my boyfriend through the boxing club I belong to, as well as my closest friends. I've never went out to a bar and made a friend, that I can say.

If you don't like your job, why not look for something else. One that is really social, like a coffee shop or busy restaurant. One where you're forced to come out of your shell and talk to people. Can you join a city rec sort of team sport? I've made several good friends doing that. It's something where you have to interact with the same people on a regular basis and you're there to have fun. It's hard not to make friends in that situation. What about signing up for a softball team?

[jns]

Try volunteering at a home for old people in your spare time. They will be interested in you and may give you some tips on how to act around others. Many times they are lonely and welcome new people to socialize with. You will have to put yourself out a bit to start, but it won't take long before you are comfortable there.

[rcoreyus]

If you are really pretty it is quite possible that you are considered unapproachable. If you don't talk to guys first, a lot of them will feel nervous about starting a conversation with a pretty girl that they don't know well. Then your nervousness may come off as lack of interest.

You need to meet people in non-romantic situations first. Do you ever go to lunch with your co-workers? Have you tried asking them - ask several people, you aren't looking for a date, just to go places with people.

I don't know what your job is, so the next is just random guesses (if you let me know what sort of job you have, I might have better suggestions):

Bring a bag of bagels (doughnuts, whatever) to work and hand out to people in the break room.

Next time you need to go into someone's office for work, find an excuse for a quick social interaction: Where is that picture on your wall from?

Put something interesting in your office / cube / workspace (if allowed). An odd picture, some unusual item. Something that will give others an excuse to say something to you.

Often it is just a case of providing an excuse to break the ice. Then, don't think romance at all - just generally being social. Talk with people a bit. As you are seen as more open and friendly, there will be more excuses to talk to people. Try to be happy - smile - its no fun being around someone who is unhappy.

You will of course run into jerks - but they are pretty unusual once you are out of high school.

Keep your eyes open for other people in the same situation who are sitting in their offices just wishing someone would come talk to them. (I was like this in high school and know how it feels. Everyone thought I was stuck-up when actually I just couldn't get the nerve up to talk to anyone else - and wished they would talk to me).

[Ashlee T.]

I don't think this has anything to do with your physical appearance at all. I think it has to do with what is in your mind. The person you've decided that you are, is holding back the person you truly are and the person you can be.

While I don't want to minimize what you went through as a child, because I think that kids can be very mean and bullying is a horrible thing.....I do think that bullying and being made fun of is something many of us experienced. It affects us all differently, but you're grown now. When do you leave that little girl behind and tell her you've grown up now and don't need her bringing you down anymore?

My suggestion, perhaps some therapy if you're willing, to help you work through your childhood so that you can leave it behind. We all have our childhood demons, but we'd never make it anywhere in life if we held on to them. My other suggestion is do something nice for yourself. Go get yourself a new hair cut or color, a new outfit or two, etc. If you hate your job, keep it but look for another one in the meantime. Join a local gym. Go regularly and try to attend some aerobics classes. Be friendly, strike up conversations with people, find some common interests, and start befriending them. You cannot sit around and wait for people to befriend you. You CAN find people that start out as acquaintances and may perhaps end up as friends that you can plan things with. If you're religious, consider visitng churches that have "singles" classes. There are also "young professional" groups in alot of areas.

And as for your back, I went through that. The BEST thing I ever did was start going to a chiropractor. He has helped me immensely. Trust me, I know how hard it is to be in a good friendly mood when your back aches and is uncomfortable. But you're young and there's no reason you can't get it taken care of. Get into a chiropractor and get yourself all fixed up.

You're overanalyzing yourself. You're not the little girl that got made fun of anymore. You're not her, she's gone. You are a woman, an attractive intelligent person, a college graduate, someone worthy of happiness and love. So what are you waiting for?

[Despina83]

First of all, thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond.

First of all, I'd love to go to the chiropractor, but there's no way on earth I could afford it. And my parents are always saying that they're not going to be able to do a thing for me. I'd go to a regular doctor maybe, but with my crappy insurance, it'll cost a fortune just for the visit, and then they'll want to do all these x-rays and tests. I'd go back to therapy,(I was gthere when I was a child and have taken Prozac ever since), but again, I can't afford it. I just have too many problems and not enough money to fix any of them.

I work at a store that's similar to Wal-Mart. I straighten stuff on the shelves and put stuff back. That pretty much sums up the job. And it is unbelievably difficult to be in a good mood when you're doing a job like that, with your back hurting. I live in Michigan, so finding a better job in our economy isn't as easy as it should be.

It annoys me that people think that I have to be the one to approach everyone and make friends. Why is it all up to me? Other people can make a bit of an effort too. It shouldn't be all up to me.

I don't want to snap at you guys, I know you're trying to help, but I'm fustrated. I do get fustrated when people say "It was in the past, you're responsible for what's happened since." By running me out of school they derailed my life, and I haven't been able to get it back on track. No, I haven't forgiven them. And yes, I am bitter. It's not just them I had to deal with. Many of my childhood memories of my father are of him screaming at me and being verbally abusive. When I was 14 he told me that my birth was a sick joke. While he's better now, we still don't get along well and he has his moments sometimes. I have a lot of anger inside me because of this stuff, and I actually yell and thrash in my sleep every night. EVne when I don't remember dreaming about anything bad, I'm yelling angrily in my sleep.

I don't know what I'm trying to convey here, but I get upset when people say "Ah, we've all been bullied, but we deal it and don't take it into adulthood." I want to say, well good for you guys. Maybe your experiences were different than mine. Again, I don't want to sound angry. But when people think I'm blowing things out of proportion, I want to tell them that there are plenty of people who, were they in my situation, would have killed themselves at some point past. I personally would not do sucha thing, but the fact remains.

[Despina83]

What's holding me back? Social anxiety, I suppose. And the fact that not only do I have difficulty talking to people, they usually make no effort to talk to me. And probably the fact that I am bitter about my situation, but again, who wouldn't be? By the way, I don't know why this site makes my PC freak out, but I can't edit posts to fix mistakes or anything without the cursor jumping all over the place. It's like my computer's posessed when I try to type on here.

[sourpuss]

Maybe people aren't approaching you or making an effort because you are so bitter. People can pick up on that attitude and those vibes and it's probably driving people away more than you know.

[Ashlee T.]

Agreeing with Sourpuss here. Your response to us, (people who are giving you selfless advice based on what you wrote about your situation) was angry, bitter, snappy, and defensive. If everything anyone suggests to you isn't feasible or is something you're not willing to try......then giving you advice becomes quite pointless, does it not?

You're in a job you don't like, your back hurts, and you have no friends. Tell me who in this world can do ANYTHING about that, if not you?

Why is it all up to you? Because it's what you want. For example: If you want a college degree, it's up to you to get one. (like you did...) If you want a different job, it's up to you to put yourself out there and find one. If you want to lose weight, it's up to you to diet and exercise. If you want to make friends, it's up to YOU to put yourself out there and show people that you're the type of person they should want to be friends with. Those are just facts.........and I'm sorry if you don't like them or if they annoy you.

No one minimized your situation or said it was blown out of proportion. Again, it was just explained to you that many people go through things similar to what you went through. We ALL have our pasts, but as adults, it becomes our CHOICE to move on from the past and make lives for ourselves. You're right, some people commit suicide over bullying. You didn't. You're still here. So what now?

So these people bullied you in school.......do you think they're still thinking about that? Absolutely not. But here you are, still letting it negatively affect your life. So once again, the bullies win. And you're letting them win.

I would normally say that you're someone who could definitely use some adult therapy. But I'm quite sure you'll just tell me either you can't afford it or you've already tried it and it doesn't work. I'm sorry sweetie, there are LOTS of great people here who can give you worlds of advice..........but you have to be receptive. Don't ask for advice if you're going to get upset when you get it.