[orlyjr]

I'm not a woman, but i figured I could get the advise from the experts! Maybe your advise will give me so insight into my wife's mind.

My wife moved out about 2wks ago after a bad fight. She had previously moved out on 3 occasions after fights with our 8mo old son. typically she's run home to her family, about 6hrs away. She's 21 and I'm 31 and have previously been married. She say's our marriage has been the biggest commitment/relationship she's ever had. We've been married 11mo. She's said that she's never loved as she loves me and I feel the same way. I'm completely in love with her.

At this point she's completely set on divorce and has hurt me badly with words and actions...she hasn't worn her wedding ring since the fight. We go to the same university and last week i saw her with someone. i watched as he walked her to her car with our son and they gave eachother a hug. I walked up to them and asked the particulars of the situation. he clamed they were just classmates and nothing more. she said they were just friends as well but that she started talking to him about our problems because she had nobody else to talk to. I was concerned because it looked to me like more than friendship but I had no choice but to trust her.

Last night i was on campus and I saw her again with him this time i just observed. they sat together while my son watched them talk. she leaned on him and he did as well...there was physical contact. when she leaned over to give my son something he rubbed her side below her hip, then he was getting ready to leave and leaned in to kiss her. he leaned in twice. I was directly behind them and saw it through a window. he left and I waited for her and talked to her. I asked how she could replace me so soon and how it was that she could be kissing someone.

She denied it at first and said that i didn't see that, she said that i didn't know what i saw. I asked how long she had been seeing him. she said she was not seeing him that he was just a friend and that he was there for her. I asked how it was that she could be kissing a friend. she said that tonight was the first time it happened. I asked her to take a walk with me and we talked for about 2 hours. I asked her for honesty and i asked if she had slept with him.

she said that no, that she couldn't do that becasue she knew it wasn't right. but she admitted that she was emotionally attached to him. when she realized it was going past frienship she said that she told him they couldn't see eachother in that way. that was two days ago. but she said all it took was him to ask me about my morning yesterday and i started talking to him again and ended up meeting with him last night. they are in a class together and even in the same group...they will be for the next 5wks and will see eachother at least in class twice a week.

As a man, i know his intentions are to pursue her until he sleeps with her. I don't know if she really understands that, i know she's not expierienced in relationships to understand. she thinks that he's there an will not hurt her but that's where she's wrong. she told me that at least he cares and thats all she wants....someone to care and not fight with her. yes, we have some issues that need to be resolved with counseling but she has just given up on me. but she says, that she's not giving up that she simply does not have the strenght within her to fix things.

she says she still loves me and always will but she feels that I won't change. I was failing her in ways that i didn't even realize and it wasn't until this separation that i found some letters she wrote and read them that i really understood. she was upset that i read them but i told her that there was no way i would have ever known how she felt if i hadn't read that. she has a problem with communicating with me. she internalizes so much and feels that she'd rather not say anything in order to avoid a fight or argument. that has killed us and it's both. she's so cold and i know she's still hurt but should i give up now especially with what i saw last night?

Please help.

[Hopeless Dork]

For some more insight on this would you mind talking about what these fights you had in the past were over? Where she left and stayed with family? And what was the final fight over , where she took of her ring... what was the argument based on that lead up to that?

Is she feeling emotionally or sexually neglected by you? Do you feel you have been giving her adequate attention and making her feel special? Not doing so isn't a justification for falling for another man... obviously its better to end a relationship than cheat... but most women won't fall to another mans 'woo-ing' when they are being 'woo-ed' at home.

What I mean is some guys can take their wife/gf for granted , not tell her how pretty she is, how funny she is, how smart, how charming... and most women need to hear those things, need to feel those things... and if they aren't getting it from the man they love, there are other men out there constantly offering those compliments, offering that attention.

I feel so emotionally connected to my boyfriend, he always makes me feel special and adored and when guys attempt to 'know' me... talk to me, to charm me, it FAILS. I pay no attention to it, I don't need it from them. But there have been times where he is ignoring me in that department where if I were of weaker character I could have succumed to someone elses attention.

[Ashlee T.]

She's an adult, she has a child with a man she's married to, a man she took a vow to be faithful to. She made a CHOICE to commit to you. In relationships, there are times for all of us that we take our partner for granted. There are times for all of us that the communication is lacking so maybe you're not giving someone what THEY need but you're not even realizing it because they're not communicating with you about what they truly want. When you're with someone you LOVE, you sit down with that person and talk to them about what's bothering you, why you're having these feelings. And if you can't resolve the differences, you agree to move on and divorce.

You WATCHED this woman cheat on you. You watched your wife kiss another man, be touched by another man, have your child around another man. Yet she says she still loves you? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Whether you've done right or wrong, she's cheating and that is not acceptable. If she's not happy with you, she needs to divorce you rather than cheating on you. I think it's time to put your foot down. You do not deserve this and she shouldn't be able to run around having her fling and then fall back on you when it doesn't work out.

[BabyGirl]

It sounds like you are really trying to solve the issue. I'm not sure I should be one to give " advice " but I am one whom a married man, had an affair with me for a year.... more so on the Emotional relationship he lacked from home. though we did attempt the sexual affair also.

Though there is Right and Wrong, there is also Right FROM Wrong, what I learned and participated in with him, was Emotions. Needing, Wanting, Lack of..

So here's what he didn't get from his wife. Spontaneous Hugs and Touches, Praise, Talking about Dreams.
That In Love Welcome home Smile when he got home, that dropping everything for the kiss and hug and how was your day ?
He felt like a "Paycheck", Granted she had health probs, But he felt un appreciated and Drudgery to even go home.
He said, " shes a good wife, house is clean and I do love her "
But " she doesn't talk, she doesn't make an effort to just be together" It's always a Honey Do List, a I Need list . More a Negative list than a Positive list.

Now to be fair, that is most likely why they had troubles. He was working all day, expected a little love, then be served his dinner or the house perfect or the dogs well groomed & behaved ( they raised Pugs).


You say you are both in school ? You have Fights , over what ? Are they Her Chores and your Chores ?
Do you both share a 50/50 responibilty in the house or do you both just EXPECT certain things.
You mention your 8 month old son. How much of that sons life are you sharing with him & her.

Meaning if she has a late class, do you pick him up early ( if daycared) and take him home, spend time with him, try to have the home welcoming for her homecoming ?

Does she do the same , make sure your son is cared for and ready to spend Time with Daddy once you settle down after work ?

[respectstepmoms]

I beleive for whatever reason or circumstances in the past it appears she dont feel she can talk to you and you be there as a partner on her side. Its ok in a relationship I think to have different views but when you take vows you give yourself heart and solely to each other where both parties have to listen and care about the other persons feelings even if they may think there rediculous. Just because you dont feel something is wrong doesnt mean she doesnt. A relationship has to have 2 people that are willing to listen and care about how the other one feels if not there seems to be a lack of respect and if the 2 of you are fighting to the point that she is leaving then your not talking any longer it has become mere stubborness or a P***ing Matchbetween you too. So your not going to accomplish peace until you stop long enough to hear and then care about how your response is going to effect her. If she felt like she could turn to you and rely on you as a partner I dont feel she wouldbe turning to someone else, not that its right but its easy to feel unimportant and alot of women have to know they are heard and that who they are with really cares and is going to be there at any cost. I say this for I am too in very similar situation and my husband still dont hear me no matter how many times I have tried to talk about it and make him understand even through counseling for he just is viewing it from his side and he thinks everything is fine, Why? because im doing my part. Hope this helps

[orlyjr]

thank you all for responding so far....thank you so much. this is giving me clarity, much of which i need. I intend to answer all your questions but I have an appointment in 30min and there is no way i'll be able to accomplish that honestly and completely. The appointment by the way is with a therapist that I took the initiative of seeing so that I can first get help coping with this (before what I saw last night) and now last nights events. i know i'm not perfect and we both have unresolved issues we brought into our marriage last night, but at this point she has given up and was not even willing to seek counsling after our talk last night. She said, "I'll see a counselor with you but i'll tell them up front that I am not willing to save this marriage"...I mean ouch! that plus what i saw is truely killing me. I'll add more to this story in a few...thanks again.

[orlyjr]

I had a feeling there would be a lot of intelligent, mature women here that could give me objective perspective without bias.

[Awoman2]

Your wife's behaviour is nothing short of irresponsible.

If there are issues between the two of you, why is she cheating with this other man she claims she's not cheating with? She claims he'll listen to her. Has she ever heard of counselling? She can be listened to without compromising herself.

There are people who like to make excuses for women, but her behaviour is ridiculous considering she has a family: a husband AND a young child. But you know what, she is 21 years old. How responsible can she be expected to be?

The next thing she'll be doing is telling you that you have taken her life away by marrying her so young. Tsk tsk.

[Seniora]

Orlyjr - I agree with the blogger who said she is too young. Yes, 21 is far too young and irresponsible (in most cases; obviously not all!) to be married - especially with a child involved. I think you could have married somebody your own age or even older, as there are lots of 2nd-time-around lovely women with their own children! You have passed the age for a 21-year-old, honestly. Yes, if you love somebody etc. etc., but we need to think with our heads, not just our hearts. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I agree that your wife/partner acted inappropriately with a child in close proximity. This is grounds enough for you to get rid of her, IMHO!! There are legions of lovely, available women out there of your own age. Truly! But go ahead and get the counselling because your child is the most important person in this equation!! Then, move on and make a better decision to meet somebody your own age.

[Hopeless Dork]

I personally don't think 21 is so immature for a 31 year old... but if you guys have been together long enough to have a baby I assume she was in her late teens and you in your late 20's when you decided to commit to each other... and I don't know if you can think back to when you were 19...but a lot changes from 19 to 30. What you thought you wanted for your life fresh out of high school... is a heap different than what you end up wanting in your late 20's... theres a lot of development there.

I'm not saying people can't marry young and it can't be successful... but the difference here is you have a life experience she doesn't... its not as if you are both sacraficing that wild-party, seeing lots of people portion of your life together. You got to live it, and marry and then meet her ... and she skipped all that.

I'm not saying that is an excuse, I'm saying that the previous poster does have a point with the levels of committment that might be at play in this particular age/life experiences differences.