[Agony_Aunt]

As some of you on here know I'm in an age gap relationship, and things have been a bit difficult regarding family and so on.

He had been away working and I hadn't seen him for 3 weeks, so obviously we were looking forward to seeing each. I seen him once last week since he has been back home. But on 2 occasions this week when I was supposed to see him, I had to let him down, because some of my friends are home for 2 weeks from college and I hadn't seen them since late August. So I was looking forward to seeing them also. He kind of got a bit mad/upset, saying that he was looking forward to seeing me and twice I've blown him off and went out to clubs with my friends.
After the first night out with friends, the next day I was a little hung over and I told him I wasn't feeling the best so I was going to relax at home and I'd see him the next day.
He again said about how we hadn't seen each other.
And stupidly because my head was pounding and I actually didn't want to listen to him, I kind of snapped and said "I'm not the one in my late 30's, I still can go to clubs with my friends".
I know this really hurt him because in the past he'd been worried if I had any issue's with the age, and I don't and always tried to make him feel better about it, but that was really the worst possible thing to say to him. I tried to explain that it just came out and was in the heat of the moment and I ment nothing by it. But he's having none of it.
We're not on speaking terms now. And I really don't know how to fix it and may think I have damaged the relationship and this has been a worry he has had about the age.
What do I do?

[pretzel]

Sadly, whether or not you intended it, you confirmed his worst fears. I'm not sure how this is fixable. You were both looking forward with great anticipation of being together since time is limited. Your choice of your friends at his exclusion I'm sure made him think hard about the commitment.

[WildChild]

We all set our priorities. What we do says more than what we say. It looks like you showed where yours are.

You could have gone out with the gfs and had just one or two drinks and then switched to soda or water. Then you'd have been bright eyed the next day and had energy to see him.

From his perspective it isn't a matter of you are young enough to go out to the pubs but maybe too young to choose to exersize self control?

[Agony_Aunt]

I know, I really feel so stupid for saying it. Because I really did confirm his fears. It was the worst thing I could ever had said to him, and I said it.

We had seen each other once since he was back and that day was great, we had really missed each other and enjoyed being together again. But I thought he would understand that my friends are only back for 2 weeks and that I also have a limited time with them. The business trip he took was a once off, he only lives 30 mins from me, so we see each other regularly. My friends are in college in England and I'm in Ireland, so it's harder for me to see them.
I kind of thought he was being un-fair getting upset about not spending time with him over my friends. And then during that argument I stupidly said that to him.
The reason we're not on speaking terms now though is not because I supposedly chose friends over him, but more the fact of what I said to him.

[sourpuss]

I think this is where the age/maturity/priority difference becomes obvious. Spending time with friends is important but in your late 30s it's less important than it is in your 20s. Like pretzel said, you confirmed his worst fears by your actions, not what you said. Maybe a lesser commitment with someone closer to your own age is better for both of you.

[sourpuss]

It's not what you said so much as what you did that hurt him.

[Agony_Aunt]

We all set our priorities. What we do says more than what we say. It looks like you showed where yours are.

You could have gone out with the gfs and had just one or two drinks and then switched to soda or water. Then you'd have been bright eyed the next day and had energy to see him.

From his perspective it isn't a matter of you are young enough to go out to the pubs but maybe too young to choose to exersize self control?

He had no problems with me going out with my friends, and it just happened to be one drink too many. We had went out and really enjoyed ourselves as I havn't seen them in ages and got a little drunk.
But because I was a bit under the weather the next day and I told him I was just going to relax at home, he just simply said how he had been looking forward to seeing me, and I snapped and said that. I kind of had no reason to say it but it felt like he was giving out about me going out with friends for the first time in ages and was making it sound like I had done something worng. So i snapped and said that.
I know then, after I had said it, he certainly wasn't expecting me to come out and say that.
He just replied to me, "Oh, well okay if that's what you want". I tried to explain on the phone that I didn't mean it and then I said I would meet him later and he just said no.

[Agony_Aunt]

I think this is where the age/maturity/priority difference becomes obvious. Spending time with friends is important but in your late 30s it's less important than it is in your 20s. Like pretzel said, you confirmed his worst fears by your actions, not what you said. Maybe a lesser commitment with someone closer to your own age is better for both of you.

Maybe I'm getting the wrong point across about the argument. The prevoius day I had told him, me and the girls were going out to this club and so on, and he said that was fine and to enjoy myself, he realises that because I'm younger I will still go out with my friends, and he was came out with us before to, but this time it was kind of "Girls Only".
He was fine with that. And some of teh other guys had gone to his for a poker night.
But the following day when he called, that is when I told him I was going to relax at home and I was tired. He then said, "Ok thats fine, but I was looking forward to seeing you".
I misunderstood it and took it as if he was giving out that I couldn't see him. and that is when I said more a less that "I'm still young, I can do this and I'm not the one in their late 30's".
I don't even understand why I snapped, and i badly hurt him by what I said.
Is their any way to fix this?

[WildChild]

Getting together with freinds is important at any age. You need to connect with them. This is not really about that. It's about the choices made and the balance struck. There is no reason you can't see your friends, get out with them and have fun. You made it an issue of age and did is as an attack.

I don't know if you can fix it. Perhaps in a few days he will feel calmer and be ready to talk? If you get panicy and pushy its less likely to happen. We all make mistakes and says things better left unsaid sometime. The question is, what is your real thinking? What you heedlessly blurted out? Or what you say when you are really considering your words?

[Agony_Aunt]

There has been times were he wanted to go to the pub with his friends, for a few drinks and games of pool, and we're fine with spending time with friends together or seperatly.
We havn't spoken since monday and we usually speak to each other every day.
Closer to the start of the relationship, we talked about and he wanted to know for sure that I didn't have any issue's with his age. And I really don;t. We've been together 14 months now, and apart from my family being against the relationship, that was the only real problem, and that has settled lately. The age had never come up as a problem between us as a couple before. I'd told him endless times before, I love him for who he is, and that his age is part of who he is, and I love everything about him.
I think I said it because, as you said WC it was like an attack, and I went for his soft spot, stupidly.
I hope in a few days when he has had time to think, we can talk about it and try to resolve it.