[WildChild]

Good idea, ask her out for a drink. However, that doesn't address your delima. You have chosen to believe that sex without marriage is a bad thing. You are finding that your natural biology is trying to override your ideology. I don't know about your roommate but getting sexually involved with someone who has a lot of hang ups and who will feel guilty about it is not fun. Do be careful of her feelings in this. If she chooses to share her body with you, you owe her respect for that gift and the joy of sharing it.

[bob_smith]

Do be careful of her feelings in this. If she chooses to share her body with you, you owe her respect for that gift and the joy of sharing it.

Very good point. I will try. Thank you for sharing this idea with me.

Anyway, update. Last night we went dancing. I didn't ask her out and she didn't ask me out, but she had two friends with her and they asked me out, so I agreed. Ok, when I dance, I know this is hard to believe, but I'm usually the best dancer in the club. Last night was much more successful than usual because there was a stage and I got up and danced on it and was able to attract a real strong applause when I got off.

Unfortunately my roommate was too embarrassed to dance with me but that's ok because I understand that sort of thing. I did make a mistake in that i left early. i should have stayed until she left because then i could have escorted her home where we could have tightened our bond. but it doesn't matter that much because there will be more opportunities.

as i walked home i really started to think about her a lot and when i went to sleep even more so.

i'm not going to fight this desire anymore. it will cause me too much stress. even though getting into a relationship with an incompatible woman will also cause me stress. i'm in a lose lose situation so i'm just going to try to make the most of a bad situation. i like to write poems and yesterday i started to write a poem about her but i couldn't finish it. that's a very clear sign that i have crossed the point of no return because since about 2006 i decided i was writing too many poems about women and that that would make my wife feel less special when i got married so since then i have always tried to keep the poem writing to a minimum.

[bob_smith]

ok, i asked her out for coffee and she said yes, but i'm a little concerned that she put it off to friday, four days from now. maybe she's trying to play it cool. in any case, i have a lot of anxiety that she will eventually accept me but i suppose that's good because love (or women, at least) should make you irrational and worried. i prefer drama to no drama. after i asked her out i went back into my room and started shaking uncontrollably for a good five minutes. i haven't felt that way before in a long time. i'm glad that at least a woman is affecting my emotions. even if she does eventually disappoint me and doesn't want me, i'm still happy that i'm feeling strong emotions.

[Ashlee T.]

It's always fun, the butterflies you feel when you're around that person you're crushing on. I'm still not sure the readers of this thread will understand though because your original thread is talking about how you are celibate, and how you are attracted to this girl but do not see yourself with her in an actual relationship. And now you're saying you're not going to try to fight the desire. Just for purposes of understanding, could you clarify? Are you actually pursuing this gal for a relationship, or for just a sexual fling?

Either way, glad she said yes to the drink and kudos for getting up and dancing your booty off. Lots of guys won't do that.

[bob_smith]

Are you actually pursuing this gal for a relationship, or for just a sexual fling?

A relationship. I like to kiss and snuggle just as much as anyone. I think in the last 10 years I've managed to kiss about 10 women, that's about once a year, then I manage to back out of the relationship before I get sucked in. However, in principle I don't believe in entering a relationship unless I think it will end in marriage. As I said about once a year I violate my principles, this is one of those cases. This case however will be very difficult BECAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!

I think it will be more stressful to fight this desire than to give in to it, though both will cause me stress. If she gets really upset about my celibacy and gets real angry about it, then I might be persuaded to give in but I don't know how I will react.

[Ashlee T.]

Ok I see, that makes more sense. From a readers perspective I'm seeing this post about your celibacy and this hot roomie.....then you're saying you can't fight the desire and are going to give in to it. So at that point I'm reading that you're going to have sex with her. Then you post another post about why you shouldn't have sex before marriage, and I'm going WTF!?!?!? haha!!!

Maybe you've prejudged her. Sort of hard to know if someone is marriage material right off the bat. Once you get to know her more, maybe you'll see she's more marriage material than you originally thought. I think at this point, you're just lusting after her anyway. It's an infatuation, a physical desire, a lust and that's why you don't see her as a marriage candidate.

I'm confident that "giving in" to your infatuation wouldn't be a bad thing for you. I sort of think that if this gal is not someone you can see yourself with, then pursuing a "relationship" is sorta pointless and a waste of both of your time. If it were me, I'd either accept the fact that this is just lust, move on and not pursue it. or act on it to satisfy the urge and then move on. But I don't think I'd attempt a relationship with someone I could not see any potential with...... that's sort of just playing with someones heart for nothing.

[pretzel]

A litt bit confused?

You are very attracted to someone living in the same house with you and have asked her out which she accepted. Your hope is to build a relationship with her, intimate but not necessarily sexual given you views on premarital sex. Am I on the same page so far?

Here's where I'm confused. You mentioned in a post upthread in which you said you've kissed 10 young women over the last 10 years but then quickly back out because you don't want to get sucked into a relationship? That being because you don't want to get into a relationship unless you feel that it will lead to marriage?

To me there seems to be a contradiction in your views. You know that you want a relationship but then at first sight of one you run because you don't want to get sucked into a relationship.

We all want to be in a wonderful, caring relationship that may end up in either a long term commitment or even marriage. But you can't have one until you start one. At some point, you have to start. It's the biggest exception to the rule that love at first sight exists. Relationships take time, evolve, mature. Sometimes they even end. You have to accept that.

[Allie602]

Ok, first off I'm a guy. Anyway, I've managed to go without full sex for 10 years because I'm very religious and I don't believe in sex before marriage. I have gotten a few blowjobs, maybe 5 since then but thankfully i have always been able to resist sex, even when we're in bed together. now, i'm a situation that i just don't see how i can escape from. i've got a very sex roommate and she likes me. pretty much from the first sight i started thinking about her. she occupies a lot of my thoughts. i know in my heart that we would not make a good married couple. she likes sports and isn't very intellectual whereas i love nothing more to do than study. she's also german and i really want to marry someone who is a native english speaker. (i'm living in Germany). i just don't see how i can fight this. i automatically do things that will bring us closer together. yesterday i thought she was going to ask me for help on english and she never did, so i went to bed rather sad about it, but luckily today she asked for my help and i had a great time helping her out. then whenever we're in a conversation i try to drag out as long as i can. now i've even discovered a new trick, during the conversation i can just think of something that we should both look up on the internet together and that leads her into my room where the excitement really happens. i have put a lot of effort into maintaining celibacy for 10 years and it has been very hard. i've to give up all kinds of fun flirts, but i don't see how i can escape from this one.

You have not been celibate for 10 years you had oral sex, yes, that's sex in the eyes of man and God. You had an orgasm using someone's mouth instead of their vagina.

[Calicorado83]

Honestly, I think you're being a little too picky. I would never base the reasoning for marriage on things like whether you are anti-war or pro-war and stuff like that. Being able to have differences within a relationship about stuff like that can be a very good thing (having the same views on marriage, family, etc a little more different) You're feeling a connection with this woman, and although you have your judgments of her, (like she likes sports, and isn't intellectual) how well can you say you really know her to be basing anything on those judgments? Naturally, the first step towards any marriage or relationship is going to be physical attractiveness, that's what drives you towards that person. So why go against nature? In my opinion I think it goes against nature to also deny yourself of sexual relations with people you are attracted too because getting involved sexually is a very sensual, intimate, private, and powerful way to connect. There is physical chemistry between humans that we can't just ignore until our brains say, "Okay, this is right because this and this and that adds up, and she fits all of my criteria," NO. It's just not the way it works. You have to realize that you have needs to in areas of your life that you have tried to deny, and to meet those needs in ways that contribute to good things in the long run rather than abusing it isn't a bad thing. But kudos to you i guess for doing what you feel is right.

[bob_smith]

To me there seems to be a contradiction in your views. You know that you want a relationship but then at first sight of one you run because you don't want to get sucked into a relationship.

We all want to be in a wonderful, caring relationship that may end up in either a long term commitment or even marriage. But you can't have one until you start one. At some point, you have to start. It's the biggest exception to the rule that love at first sight exists. Relationships take time, evolve, mature. Sometimes they even end. You have to accept that.

I just don't see the potential. I'm very intellectual, but I'm not a snob. She doesn't seem intellectually minded. Plus, we don't even speak the same mother language. Conversation is very important to me, but I don't think we have what it takes to make a good conversation.

I'm just getting into this relationship because I think it will be stressful to keep resisting her.