[pretzel]

I just don't see the potential. I'm very intellectual, but I'm not a snob. She doesn't seem intellectually minded. Plus, we don't even speak the same mother language. Conversation is very important to me, but I don't think we have what it takes to make a good conversation.

I'm just getting into this relationship because I think it will be stressful to keep resisting her.

No offense intended, but there is a hint of hypocrasy on your part that I think is somewhat disrespectful to the young lady in question.

You see no hope in any type of non-sexual relationshop and view her as somewhat inferior to you intellectually with the added constraint of a language barrier. At the same time you want to have a relationship with her because you find her irrestistable. What is it about her that is doing this. Is it just the physical attractiveness of her? Or is it a combination of personality and physical beauty?

You either do or you don't want to persue a relationship with her. If you do, you take her for who she is. If not, then you need to be honest with her and yourself in wanting someone closer to your standards.

[bob_smith]

update: ok, it's wednesday and we have our date friday. since we went dancing she's really changed. now she's very nervous and excited around me and it's obvious that she is very attracted to me. her smile is much more stronger and her eyes much more glowing when we talk. at the same time, she seems afraid to talk to me. we spoke less than 30 words to each other on sunday, monday and tuesday. i think that lack of communication will be a sign of things to come. anyway, i was real excited saturday when i asked her out and sunday i had a real difficult time functioning because of her but around monday i noticed that i'm becoming normal again. it's as if i'm so certain that she likes me that i'm too confident. i want to be crazy and obsessed not normal, but right now i'm just normal and i don't like it.

in answer to pretzel's statement: "You either do or you don't want to persue a relationship with her. If you do, you take her for who she is. If not, then you need to be honest with her and yourself in wanting someone closer to your standards." i find that statement very hard to believe. many people have both wanted and not wanted a relationship. many couples break up and get back together again. let me quote the roman poet catullus

I hate and I love. Why do I do it, perchance you might ask?
I don't know, but I feel it happening to me and I'm burning up.

i don't hate my roommate but i do hate the fact that i cannot resist her.

[pretzel]

bob, we seem to be going in circles.

My question stands, what do you want. If you want to start a relationship with her and from what you've said so far it seems that both of you are attracted to each other. There are no guarantees in life and especially in relationships. They are growing, evolving, maturing processes. No one is ever guaranteed a sure thing first time out.

Your last post described both her reactions from the other nite dancing and how she sees you just a little differently from before. Isn't that what you hoped her reaction would be? You asked her out because you are attracted to her also. The two of you have a date Friday.

I said earlier that if you don't see this evolving into a relationship then I feel it important to let her know that but that you do enjoy her company and if it's just casual dating then I think she deserves to know that up front and let her be able to make her own decision as to what she wants to do. There is nothing wrong with that.

Right now I'm not sure what it is you hope to get out of this. If it's just the fun of dating and going out with someone who's company you enjoy or is it that you feel that dating should be a prelude to a relationship and that it is purely the first step to the end result?

[bob_smith]

Ok, I asked her today if she still wanted to go out and she said she had to study, which is a very clear sign that she does not want to get involved. Just to be sure I asked her if she wanted to do it the next day and she said she had a party to go to, but I think she meant a volleyball tournament. In any case, if she really wanted to go out with me she would have said I can't Saturday but I would love to Sunday. She didn't say that. I really suspected she would do this and it does not come as a surprise. She's clearly attracted to me but she is also trying really hard to avoid me. Ever since I asked her out she has probably said less than 50 words to me in five days. She has also been extremely awkward in my presence, even spooked.

I have very mixed emotions. On the one hand, I really wanted us to spend some time together, enjoy our company and perhaps even kiss and embrace but nothing further. On the other hand, I knew getting involved would not be a good idea but I couldn't resist her. I'm not going to opt for the fox routine and say that the grapes are bitter when he realizes he can no longer eat them. No, I'm genuinely upset. At the same time, I've been through these feelings about 30 times before. Since I'm dedicated to only dating women that I think I will marry, I have to pull myself away from exciting flirtations about 3 to 5 times a year, especially because I'm very good looking. I know what this feels like and after a time the pain goes away.

I'm not going to do anything until she makes another move. I always try to leave the ball in the woman's court. I don't want to be 40 years old, unmarried, and thinking about all those balls in my court that I did not hit back. I want the woman to be 40 years old and regretting all those balls in her court that she did not hit back. I often hit back a second time just to be on the safe side, but probably not this time. I can't tell you how many times on OKcupid has it happened that I write a woman, she writes back very excited, I write back to that email and then she disappears.

[WildChild]

I'm not going to do anything until she makes another move. I always try to leave the ball in the woman's court. I don't want to be 40 years old, unmarried, and thinking about all those balls in my court that I did not hit back. I want the woman to be 40 years old and regretting all those balls in her court that she did not hit back. I often hit back a second time just to be on the safe side, but probably not this time. I can't tell you how many times on OKcupid has it happened that I write a woman, she writes back very excited, I write back to that email and then she disappears.

Your ambivalence comes through. Flirting. playing, dating, making out, having sex are all ways of exploring how deeply we want to let someone into our lives. Compatibility rests on a host of factors. You have chosen a belief system that has rules you can't follow (no normal, healthy person can) and you are playing a game of deception with yourself and others because of it.

You still haven't answered Pretzel's question. What do you want? If as you stated you only date women you think you marriage is a possiblity with and as you have given reasons why marriage isn't likely with this woman - what are you doing? And why? Why do you want to date her? You don't find her intelligent enough then you state that you don't share a native tongue - for all you know she is dumbing down to talk with you because you have a limited understanding of her language.

Flat out you are a physically healthy human and you want connection and sex. That is perfectly normal. That is how people are. Why not just be up front about that and go with it? Drop the mind games, obviously women are seeing through them, just as we see them in your posts. You are trying to reconcile the unreconcilable. Either get fully into your chosen belief system and find a woman who shares it and marry her or drop it and find out what really works for you in life.You can't mix water and oil.

[bob_smith]

You have chosen a belief system that has rules you can't follow (no normal, healthy person can)

If I followed it for 10 years, I can keep going for another 5. Maybe around 37 I will think about marrying someone I'm less than excited about. But I admit that much of my success is because women just aren't pushy and forceful. If my roommate for example really wanted to seduce me, it probably would not take that much effort. Luckily, it seems women only want to seduce men with money and power. I actually used to have a lot of money, not now, but when I did, no one would have ever suspected it.

and you are playing a game of deception with yourself and others because of it.

No, I like not being in relationships that make me feel guilty. I've been in two relationships in the last ten years. In one, I didn't love the woman that much, I was just doing it because I wanted to know what a Jordanian woman was like (I was living in Jordan). The second I really did have strong feelings for her, and I broke up with her and got back together with her about 10 times in two months. Clearly I was not happy.

You still haven't answered Pretzel's question. What do you want?
If as you stated you only date women you think you marriage is a possiblity with and as you have given reasons why marriage isn't likely with this woman - what are you doing? And why? Why do you want to date her? You don't find her intelligent enough then you state that you don't share a native tongue - for all you know she is dumbing down to talk with you because you have a limited understanding of her language.

Actually I can understand just about every word of spoken German. As for what I want, I want to get married, I don't want a relationship with no future. However, of course people can want two contradictory things, just ask anyone who is overweight. I also like a good kiss now and then. I hate being lonely. Of course I have sexual desires, I've already admitted to that.

Flat out you are a physically healthy human and you want connection and sex. That is perfectly normal. That is how people are. Why not just be up front about that and go with it?

Normal people also divorce at the rate of about 40%. I'm not interested in being normal. I'm interested in being above normal.

get fully into your chosen belief system and find a woman who shares it and marry her

Easier said than done. I've been trying that for 10 years and I've barely come close.

[Allie602]

This really is gulling and creepy.

"No, I like not being in relationships that make me feel guilty. I've been in two relationships in the last ten years. In one, I didn't love the woman that much, I was just doing it because I wanted to know what a Jordanian woman was like (I was living in Jordan). The second I really did have strong feelings for her, and I broke up with her and got back together with her about 10 times in two months. Clearly I was not happy."

I find this statement interesting, you had a relationship with a woman because you were curious about what a Jordanian woman was like. Did I read that right from a Christian man. Did she know you were just dabbling because your were curious about her like an object with no feelings? You seem to think the locus of control for your behavior are the women you slaver over, not yourself. How does that fit into your theology? If you were a true believer you would not be able to use anyone. What mental gymnastics does it take for a righteous, virtuous person like yourself, to behave in so callous fashion towards any woman who incites your lust. Your careless statement reveals much about you, I think that you don't like women and you blame them for exciting you. Where you hurt by a woman or did you never like woman?

I can't imagine from you post what the principals are that drive your celibacy. You don't seem to have a moral code. You sound as if everything you do and think is in reference to yourself - you are celibate, you are intellectual, you are looking for someone to suit you, you are horny, you were not happy, you are hurt, you are very handsome, you, you, you.

What is your interpretation of the Christian message relative to code of behavior towards their fellow man and woman? Why don't you leave this girl alone she is not interested in you. Besides why should she be available for your passing dalliance. Instead, why not go develop your character as a man an develop a capacity for empathy, kindness, and compassion, if you can.

Read the parable of the Sheep and Goats Matthew 25:31 - 46

Matthew 25:45 "Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't believe you've found yourself..

You were "certain" her eyes told you, her smile, that she was attracted to you... she barely spoke a few words..

You can speak German, but did you/do you speak it with her...

She blew you off that made you mad, you were so sure that she was attracted to you, yet, she wasn't the person you wanted to marry, you were lonley you liked her, you wanted her as your conquest, someone to kiss, company but still refrain, confuse her, make her want you but eventually walk away..

Guys like this, make women think there is something wrong with them, an if not them, the guy must surely be gay... It's a game, it's not a fair game, it's not equal...

You have a check list, boxes to tick, you see yourself very highly, you were successful financially but no one knew about it, you are good looking, you have saved yourself for "that" special one. You are intellectual.. But, no one has come to your standards, at what 32? No one exept one person whom you did like but over only a two month period you did the fishing rod, reeled her in, sent her away, reeled her in, sent her away....

The "no I am busy" from her has hurt your ego.. Nothing more.

You haven't found yourself... You see yourself as the "highest of the high" as men go, in my opinion, no faults, but there is no path either, just one thought, remaining a virgin.. But in that thought, no one will be suitable they will not be equal, they only have one or two things you like about them, because you haven't worked out who you are being, your inner self, and in that, you can be who ever you want, never judging other people, accepting people for who they are, teaching them in areas that you can help them with, but allowing them to be themselves and respecting that, admiring what qualities they have... and in that, yourself..

You have tried a dating site, they see your photo and you say your good looking, another " me, me" but then after talking to you they dissapear , your second discussion via email, would be simular to what you write here, about yourself, or showing no interest to their passions in life, their achievements, maybe talking more about you, or your beliefs, thoughts, no real interaction...

Your much like a poet, deep thinker, you play with words, dream dreams, love the oldern days, old movies, romance, quotes from intelligent people that have passed, then there is a "normal" side, the one that wants to come out and enjoy today, be in today's world but he can't because he's heck bent on holding back for the one and in that, he plays games to achieve the minimal he needs to get through it and then he does experience chemistry and almost talks himself into having a brief 1 month affair instead of strip clubs, porn, masterbation, or a bj, surely that's okay, no it's not, yes it has to be, no I can't, and in that conversation with yourself it comes across to the woman and she get's worried, scared even, as she can't work the person out, and backs off and he loses....

FIND yourself...

Stop, putting yourself on a pedistal that is unattainable.

Stop, believing that you have to get this right or you will be one of those statistics of 40% of Divorced people..

Life is about lessons, and those lessons to be learnt, for each person that comes into your life there is a reason, another lesson until you finally get to where you are meant to be in harmony, "got it right"...

Your going to continue going around in circles, continue to confuse and "use" women for the small needs that you can bare and your going to continue being lonely, and grow old, as you don't accept yourself rather praise yourself, and you don't accept others, their abilities, passions and smarts because they are beneath your intelligence...

If you believe in love, then start "listening" to people, when they talk, their passions, feel their passions for life, for their work, hobbies, what ever those passions are an you'll see they are intelligent after all...

[Ashlee T.]

Agree with Allie. I sense a strong lack of compassion towards women...almost like you're a hunter, analyzing the movements and behaviors of your game. It's as if you think you are constantly one step ahead of women, as if you know why they act the way they do towards you, etc. I think there's a good chance based on what you've said on here, that they are simply creeped out by some of the behaviors. There are plenty women out there who are trying to practice abstinence until marriage. I don't think your desire to remain celibate is keeping you from finding a woman. I think it's your lack of compassion and emotion for the opposite sex that is holding you back........all wrapped up and tied with a pretty bow called "Religion". But really.....this has little to do with religion.

I also have to ask, how old are you? I apologize if you've already stated it. But you mention how you were previously wealthy, and that would seem odd coming from someone in their 20's or early 30's.

[Allie602]

Meant to write "gauling" not "gulling".