[CHANDLERS WISH]

newdewd,

It doesn't matter what your question is, it's a question that obviously has bugged you and so you came here...the thing is that question as with all other questions, are a string of different questions, all leading to the same problem, and all leading to the same answer, if you think about it....as the Member's are trying to tell you...

No one is annoyed with you, they are giving you "tough love", desperate in other words for you to see....

I will never find someone without a past. It just doesn't work that way. I need to grow up, and fast. , I'm the one who's been married. She has to deal with that. That must be harder than what I'm dealing with.

She "chose" you..Isn't that amazing.....you stated you settled, in your previous marriage, yet she's the smart one she never did....And guess what? SHE is with YOU....think about that.

She's done nothing. I just bumped into/found things that i've had a hard time with. An old apology mix cd her ex made her. Pictures from their one and only trip. I bumped into all three of them several times. That's all.

Pictures from their one and only trip....got to be happy with that too don't you? ONE and only.......and she's with you.

Pretzel

If you firmly believe that you're the self-confident person who knows deep down that you are capable of loving someone and that you've actually found someone who you want to share your life with then you need to start believing that and look forward, not backward. Life doesn't go backwards, it only moves forward.

Re-read the above....
Allie

newdewd Keep posting even if you go back and forth, writing and expressing yourself and trying to change your thought patterns to more adaptive ones in not a linear process

Glad you took Allie's advice, as she's stated it's helped her...just to vent, or talk or clarify..so yes, we can help, it may just take some time for it all to sink in......


mdraven

I kind of unerstand how you feel although my case is different in the sense that I'm the female jealouse of my BF's past.

Have you considered that jealousy equals fear and fear equals in-security and then a whole lot of things going through your mind, that aren't true, which creates havoc.....

The word jealousy should never have been able to be placed in a dictionary, and exist...In other words, deal with (1) jealousy to counteract all other things that are happening.... In-cluding possibly snooping and finding things that are past, in the past and should be left in the past...

CW

[Guest]

I am trying counseling. So far so good. I guess this post helped me get a realistic view of my unwarranted neurosis. From actual experiences, I could get an idea of reality rather than filling it in for myself. Researching on the net - always a mistake -led me to the conclusion that tall/football player meant huge, well, you know. I know it's stupid. And irrational. But I admit, I felt and still feel a tad inferior. A first for me as I've always been very self-assured. Then I thought - she must only be into that "type". It spiraled into many neurotic thoughts. That's how my head works sometimes. Hard to understand but true. Thanks for your patience and help. I know i can be frustrating - both to myself and others.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Not at all...

If you can't come to a Forum to express, or ask questions then is it a Forum?

You know, we actually choose a man, for many reasons..the idea he's a sports person, policeman, one in uniform, or he reminds us of Daddy, or we can feel like a little girl, he's taller....or he's 5 foot 10, cute, and has a great heart, is self-assured It's called INITIAL ATTRACTION....

Your manly hood has nothing to do with why we choose you because, we don't get to see that at the initial attraction stage now do we?

So, that makes sense......therefore, she didn't choose him cause he may have a large penis, and she didn't choose you because you may have an average, normal penis.....

I'm glad your getting councelling.... but you really have to not just read, but take in what is written.....

Tell us how you met, the first date, what she does for a living, what you do, how tall she is, why she fell for you, why you fell for her.....


Give us a picture In other words
CW

[Tem]

Newdewd, I read through the thread and didn't see this mentioned. Forgive me is someone has already brought it up. Is it possible you are looking for reasons to end the relationship before you fear she does? In other words, do you feel she is out of your league and will eventually dump you? Are you afraid that you won't be able to take it if the relationship continues and then ends when you are even more in love with her? Is this a case of, "I'll reject her before she has a chance to reject me?" I could be very wrong, but your concerns seem so irrational. The only conclusion I can come to is that you are afraid of getting hurt.

[BabyGirl]

I have a question Newdewd...

If all of her Ex boyfriends were only 5'6 would you have the same Complex ?

Would you worry that she favored shorter men and was just with you now because she had bad relationships with short men, so she's decided to try a taller man ?

What if they were Short, Chubby with a larger than *Normal* penis and a very long fat thick Tongue that worked wonders on her, but she just didn't like the way they treated her ?

Or even the Drastic difference with her being her height and the men being shorter than her, like "Small People " you know, The Munchkins type from the Wizard of Oz .. Would you still be so Insecure of yourself and your Relationship and Love for her ?

Can you see how Senseless and Silly my questions or Scenarios are ?

It seems you need to start to Love yourself, before you will be able to Love anyone else. You need to Let Go of Your Past, Her Past and just Live and Love for Today.

It is Imperative to recognize and accept the past as a Learning Experience and Understand that if you Live In The Past... There is No Way to Build a Future...

Accept Yourself, Love Yourself, Accept Her and Love Her for Who you both are Now !!!
And Be Thankful that she is Not with one of her Ex's and that You are Not with Your Ex. Otherwise you'd both be in " The Past " and would never have met and she would not be " The One " as you say.

So.. The next time you run into one of her Ex's or if you run into your Ex.. Just hug her tighter, Walk proudly and Smile that Satisfied " I Have The One " smile..

The only way you can Lose her is if you Refuse to let go of " The Past".. So Man Up Dewd !!!

[Guest]

Well, hard to really summarize our relationship in a few words, but I will try. After a very flawed marriage with my HS sweetheart, I set out on the single world for the 1st time since I was 15. Miraculously, I met my current fiance and clicked in ways I never dreamt possible. We just click. Conversationally. Morally. Physically. Spiritually. We finish each other's sentences and jokes. I truly believe that she is the one. I love her dearly.

Enter my immaturity. Part situational due to lack of experience and part due to my OCD. Having to compete with her past - I know it's not a competition, but my irrational head say it is - is new to me. Over time, I bumped into her exes. I found pics. By accident. Curiosity certainly killed this cat. They're all taller than me. Everyone. I can't help but feel a little inferior. It sucks and I want it to stop.

So that's that.

[pretzel]

Well, hard to really summarize our relationship in a few words, but I will try. After a very flawed marriage with my HS sweetheart, I set out on the single world for the 1st time since I was 15. Miraculously, I met my current fiance and clicked in ways I never dreamt possible. We just click. Conversationally. Morally. Physically. Spiritually. We finish each other's sentences and jokes. I truly believe that she is the one. I love her dearly.

A simple, honest question. Has she ever given you any indication that the feelings you've described toward her have not been reciprocated? From your description, I see someone who makes you want to make her happy and to live and enjoy a wonderful life together. You truely believe she is the one, does she truely believe you are the one and that she loves you dearly?

Enter my immaturity. Part situational due to lack of experience and part due to my OCD. Having to compete with her past - I know it's not a competition, but my irrational head say it is - is new to me. Over time, I bumped into her exes. I found pics. By accident. Curiosity certainly killed this cat. They're all taller than me. Everyone. I can't help but feel a little inferior. It sucks and I want it to stop.

So that's that.

Are you diagnosed OCD?

I don't know to be honest, but if you are, then either meds or behavioral therapy could help ease these fears. If not, then your perceived OCD is going to ruin something that could be very wonderful in short order.

[Guest]

A simple, honest question. Has she ever given you any indication that the feelings you've described toward her have not been reciprocated? From your description, I see someone who makes you want to make her happy and to live and enjoy a wonderful life together. You truely believe she is the one, does she truely believe you are the one and that she loves you dearly?





Are you diagnosed OCD?

I don't know to be honest, but if you are, then either meds or behavioral therapy could help ease these fears. If not, then your perceived OCD is going to ruin something that could be very wonderful in short order.

Diagnosed. It's just never manifested itself this way before. It's weird. What seems so illogical to everyone else, seems perfectly normal to me when I let my mind wander.

[pretzel]

Fair enough. Would still like an answer to my first question above.

Have you talked to your therapist about this. I'm not convinced (but I'm not in your shoes) that your fears and actions are attributed to your OCD. Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting your OCD, I'm just wandering if you're attributing your fears unwarrantedly to OCD instead of believing in the strength of your feelings for her and her for you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I was reading a magazine yesterday of a woman who curred her OCD...She was convinced bad things would happen to her family unless everything she did, she did 4 times. OCD tends to include cleaning, brushing teeth again, for instance...

She saw a therapist , who gave her techniques including breathing techniques to concentrate on instead of numbers and she no longer feels the need to do anything in fours.

I think, you had one love, in your opinion the wrong love, and that love from 15 years of age, coupled with up-bringing perhaps which gives you this, "you should have been my first wife" but she's not she could be your second....

Your fear is normal, you've fallen in love for the second time. You don't want to lose her ever and this in-security is seriously obsessive....I'd bet Pretzel is correct, that it is a different obsessive disorder...but I don't believe it is one you can not beat...

I do believe you should take 3 deep slow breathes everytime your mind starts to wonder, in the wrong direction and remind yourself, you have her because she fell in love with you...

You do need to understand, we don't own anyone, what will be will be.... But, your fear of one day maybe losing her, you weren't tall enough, think about that does that even make sense as to a reason? In any event, that fear will make you lose her because you can't be yourself your not secure mentally about this relationship however, want it so bad.

See someone....and work on your confidence, because you know generally your a confident person...

Just understand it's a different world, 15 years of age to now, but relationships this time can be even stronger than the last as you would have learnt from the last one.

CW