[Guest]

What is she doing that is making it difficult for you? Can you discuss what ever it is with her?

She's done nothing. I just bumped into/found things that i've had a hard time with. An old apology mix cd her ex made her. Pictures from their one and only trip. I bumped into all three of them several times. That's all.

[Allie602]

Thank you for trying to understand a man who is, by all accounts, almost impossible to understand.

Complex men are inherently interesting, keeps a woman exploring his depths, a simpler man sometimes becomes boring after a while.

[Guest]

Complex men are inherently interesting, keeps a woman exploring his depths, a simpler man sometimes becomes boring after a while.

Interesting/ annoying.

[Guest]

love her so much. Just so hard to think of her with anyone else. BUT, this seems to be the reality for 99% of the population, so I either convince a nun to date me or stick it out. I will never find someone without a past. It just doesn't work that way. I need to grow up, and fast. , I'm the one who's been married. She has to deal with that. That must be harder than what I'm dealing with. 10 years of sex - technically I'm more experienced than she is. I tell myself all of this, yet the images an stress persists.

[pretzel]

I've been following the thread but haven't responded til now so bear with me.

The conflict as I see it obviously isn't with her past, it's your inability to decide who you are. In other posts you talk about how self confident you are not only in your personality but also in your ability to convey that to others, especially women. Then in other posts you talk about how your gf's past and the "types" of guys she's dated has left you in such a state of self doubt that you're literally driving yourself crazy. Self-confidence vs. self-doubt?

Personally, as others have said many times and much better than I can say, but you need to decide which side is going to dominate. Right now, it's the self doubt. If that's your true nature then it will always be an issue no matter who you date or get involved in.

If you firmly believe that you're the self-confident person who knows deep down that you are capable of loving someone and that you've actually found someone who you want to share your life with then you need to start believing that and look forward, not backward. Life doesn't go backwards, it only moves forward.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm the one who's been married. She has to deal with that. That must be harder than what I'm dealing with. 10 years of sex - technically I'm more experienced than she is.

Yes....YES YES YES!!! See, I've been in her shoes. I dated a man who had been married. It was hard, because though I didn't let him know it as I knew it was my own insecurity brewing, I always felt like I was second best. Like he picked her first. I frequently thought of the emotions he had to be feeling when he proposed to her, or the feelings of such love he felt for her on their wedding day. I imagined their honeymoon, wondered what her ring must've looked like, etc. I thought of her big fake boobs, her fake baked skin....she was one of those high maintenance girls and me, well I'm just more simple and plain. I compared myself.

In reality, they rushed into a wedding neither of them were comfortable with, and for all the wrong reasons. They weren't compatible. His family loathed her. They rarely if ever had sex. There was no passion, no chemistry, no love. I knew that...... I knew it..... but I still allowed my mind to torture me with all the thoughts I mentioned above. It had nothing to do with him. It had nothing to do with what this girl looked like. It had to do with me and how I had not yet gained control over my own thoughts. And if your girlfriend can get past her own thoughts.....the thoughts I'm sure she has of you and your previous marriage, then SO CAN YOU. Your girlfriend has very limited experience for someone her age. You're right....10 years of marriage....10 years of sleeping next to the same woman every night....10 years of sharing who you are with someone....you've got her experience beat BIG TIME. If she can love you enough to get past that.......so can you.

[Guest]

Well, it was actually 17 years together - 4 horrible years being married. Started dating at 15 ended our relationship, through divorce, at 32.

[Guest]

I am getting great insight and clarity through everyone here. This is the process I sometimes have to go through. As you can see, I understand how I SHOULD see things as I can write them out and express them, but my head still reverts back to its stubborn ways all the time. I can beat it as I know I have to and that I, in fact, am the exception to the rule. Throughout my former relationship, I can't count how many times people looked at me like I was crazy for not trying out other relationships before committing myself to marriage. Indeed, that, is much more bizarre than having 3 relationships by the age of 34. She is the smart one. I clearly wasn't. I settled out of fear, attachment and a strangle sense of comfort. Comfort with what I knew. But what I knew was not a good thing at all. Like my counselor once said, "how many shirts do you try on before finding the right fit or style? " Many. So why would someone not apply the same standards when looking for a partner? I need to internalize this. It's just how things work.

[Allie602]

newdewd Keep posting even if you go back and forth, writing and expressing yourself and trying to change your thought patterns to more adaptive ones in not a linear process.
I have learned a lot and changed allot since I started expressing things I would never say to anyone in my personal life. I foisted them on these good strangers. They have been kind and persistent ally to my better self, even when I get going on one of my hot button issues. My issues are getting more and more remote and easier to recognize that they are maladaptive. They will always be with me but now I know their ugly faces and can take them in or send them away. I now have a choice, I didn't even know I had that before. So when I get in a tangle with my demons, I can more often get the upper hand. I am stronger now and they have become weaker but desperate to survive, that's why they keep coming back. I am speaking metaphorically of course but that is the way I think of it so I can deal.

[mdraven380]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful, insightful and helpful message. This is a cry for help and is in no way an attempt to justify my irrational thought patterns. I hate that I'm this immature. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have the life experience to be at a more adult level in my thinking, but I can't. I am doing everything I can to beat this . This woman is the love of my life. Unfortunately, that's why I am so uneasy about her with anyone else. Stupid, but true.

I kind of unerstand how you feel although my case is different in the sense that I'm the female jealouse of my BF's past. I think it's because I have to face three of his ex's on almost a weekly basis. They all try to start fights with either me or him. It gets annoying to say the least. We are both jealous people and it causes a lot of problems between us. I think if I didn't have to face his ex's every week then it wouldn't be as hard to get over. It probably wouldn't bother me at all. It also bothers me that he talks about them a lot. Telling me how they left him and how hurt he was.
When we were first together he made a comment to me say "you know what really turns me on, tall women" Well I'm only 5'4" so that really made me feel like . I told him how that comment hurt me and he has since said he loves me and I wipped that out, but I don't believe him. He is controlling also and tell me that I shouldn't state my opinion if it is something he doesn't want to hear.