Feeling altogether naive and brainwashed

[holetoledo]

i feel like maybe i put physicality too much on a pedestal considering all the bad romance novels i got into in high school.

it was like YAY SEX EQUATES LOVE, AND LOVE EQUATES LOTS OF ORGASMS.

[holetoledo]

Yes, but his values are important to him also, so much so that he doesn't really want to let them go. If he did bend to something I wanted to do, he feels like he's just challenged and betrayed his own values. Though, to be honest, a relationship wherein I do not celebrate anniversaries have been A LOT cheaper, heh. His take on this is that you should treat your partner or spouse the same every day instead of just heaping all the special into one day that could possibly mean nothing after you've broken up, even though you might have been together for fifty years. That's why he doesn't like the temporal aspect of anniversaries.

He's done tons of things for me, which is why I feel bad when I want some sense of "normalcy" but really, he is not that normal... Together, we're pretty much a very countercultural couple. I don't believe in marriage; my body, though I am a woman, doesn't seem to be geared up for childbirth so we both have the same views on adopting, plus I see it as there are so many children out there who need parents. Doesn't seem fair to make a child biologically when there are other children out there waiting.

Though I try to respect his opinions, it seems more like we step on each other's toes more often than not...

[cocoa]

Yeah, that must be kinda annoying Sounds as if he is taking the philosophy of relationships too seriously. Whether or not these rituals are "real" or not in his eyes, the social benefits of romantic rituals for a relationships are enormous. If he really cares about how you feel then it shouldn't be that difficult to understand the importance of these rituals and to engage them out of respect and appreciation for you.

[holetoledo]

Right! Doesn't help that I'm dating a philosophy major who tears apart the definition of a 'relationship' all the time on a daily and unbiased basis.

[cocoa]

You sound so much like me. Can't say i've lost interest completely in the idea of romance, and I haven't had the requisite number of relationships to make judgment on what relationships should be or shouldn't be, but I have been questioning the whole nature or relationships and what I should or can expect realistically compared to what is often presented, and idealized in books, fairytales , or other fictional representations in the media. But probably won't know or understand it until I've had the chance to be in a "real" relationship, although i'm not sure what "real" will eventually mean.

[holetoledo]

I admit that I do not understand most of what goes on in my boyfriend's head. All I know is that this relationship has been entirely different from what I thought I had with others. Well -- other. Perhaps my only true relationship was with Jared, and that lasted for about three months. To be honest, though I did like him, I mostly dated him because I wanted to see how being in a relationship was like. I was a junior in high school and really had no other experience with long term relationships (meanwhile, my boyfriend's first relationship was when he was twelve and it lasted two years).

I can't say exactly where my ideas of intimate relationships have stemmed from. All I knew was what I remembered from fairy tales, books, and movies. Yes, I was naive. Possibly still am. I didn't know I could have different principles concerning relationships until I started dating Jimmy. At first I was aghast that he would go against everything I knew: celebrating anniversaries, routinely showing -- minimal -- public displays of affection, celebrating Valentine's Day, buying or making gifts.

Nope. Doesn't believe in anniversaries because the temporal aspect of it is meaningless to him, doesn't believe in the importance or hype of celebrating birthdays (at least his own), doesn't put physical affection on a pedestal. I thought that maybe he's being unfair in not participating in these things with me, and perhaps he is, but he's him and what he is is unchangeable, at least in these respects.

But that doesn't mean he's deprived me of anything, which makes me wonder why I feel it's unfair that he doesn't participate in at least some of these normal relationship "rituals". Maybe it's because it's what I've come to expect because that's what I was shown. And I have a hard time breaking away from expecting what I was shown, which makes it difficult for both he and I respectively. He sees an intimate relationship where two individuals still manage to be independent.

I often see intimate relationships as utterly romanticized. It's disgusting to me now. The man's ideals are completely obliterated, the "woman's" heavily highlighted. The woman is the recipient of the man's utmost attention and blind devotion. The man is strong mentally and physically, but still manages to be perfectly emotional. The man has no goals but to monogamously remain with his woman and often sweeps her off her feet.

Disgusting.

What to do? I've been brainwashed.