[CHANDLERS WISH]

Now these maybe normal things in a relationship but I have met such horrible people in the past that never gave me these things but they means much to me now that I have them.

But again then...Isn't it the want and desire to have a good relationship that is keeping you in this one, hoping it's "the one" and trying to solve the problems?

Life is a journey...Each relationship you learn from, and you learn what you won't accept and what you are after in a relationship...You've progressed and been shown other things you missed before that now you have...And, therefore, let's say you left this relationship, you wouldn't settle now for those past relationships and you'd settle for this "style" of relationship but not with the issues you have at hand, you'd realise you now also want communication to be added to it....

Marriage is two souls, that feel such a connection, can talk about anything, laugh, share, love with no arguements because they can communicate a spat here and there but no one goes to bed angry....

How often do you see each other, I'm feeling maybe 3, 4 times in 12 months..But daily communication and fights occur, is there trust in your relationship, does he have a trust factor, as you are so far away....

The questions are not to judge, it's to try to ascertain if there are other answers that can help in changing "things" as we've said you can't change him...

CW

[Brokenwings]

It's not just about having those things in a relationship, I have never ever loved someone as much as I do him, but again I've tolerated more in this relationshipthan ever.

It's small bickering that gets to me now as I can't even think straight anymore and I have got to the stage I always think I am wrong.

[jns]

If you decide to make a break, when the smoke clears you will ask yourself why you let it go so far. Initially it will be hard because you will no longer be getting your brain chemically stimulated from the good times of love. This will probably be depressing. It will get better with time as you break the chemical dependency. Start by learning to love yourself as an independent individual.

[BabyGirl]

I stopped him being disrespectful as I told him I would leave. Yes we both are working professionals and have friends.

We both live in two different states let's say, and because of our culture and religion we can't see each other much but he tries to see me when we can and he makes the effort to see me, he never wants me to travel on my own and always picks me up and takes me where I want. He pays for things and he made our anniversary so enjoyable and brought me nice things.
He makes a lot of effort to contact me when he can.

Now these maybe normal things in a relationship but I have met such horrible people in the past that never gave me these things but they means much to me now that I have them.

Confused Just a bit here..

You stopped him from being Disrespectful by threatening to Leave ?

Which means that you took Control and stood up for yourself.
How did he react ? He pouted like a spoiled child and refused to talk to you until you contacted him and apologized for Standing up for yourself. Which means he took back Control, albeit in a very sneaky way, he was still controlling you and making you feel bad and wrong.

You live in different States and your Cultures and Religions are different ?

If it makes it difficult to spend time with each other how do you think it would be if married ? Who is going to give up their life in their State, Their job, their friends and family and Move to marry the other ?

He always come to get you, not wanting you to travel alone ?

Have you ever been to his home ? Met his Friends or Family or is it always that you stay in your State and do things in your area when you meet ?
If you have never been to his place, met his friends or family,I would be very worried that something is Fishy here. When you are in Love and have found " The One " you want to show them off, Show how happy you are. He'd come get you and take you home to meet everyone.

You say " he makes a lot of effort to contact me when he can " ..

That is so Contrary to the Truth. It is not when he Can, because he wouldn't ignore you for days when he's upset with you. Make you beg him and admit you were in the wrong, even when you aren't in the wrong.
He Contacts you when He Feels Like it, when he's in control.

What exactly is he giving you that means so much to you ?
Is it the Anniversary gifts ? Is it his time when he can, when he feels like it if he's not upset with you ?

You deserve so much more. You deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved even with your faults, every relationship has ups and downs, and arguments, but the good relationships get though it with communication, compassion, forgiveness, On Both sides.. Not with Controlling the other .

[Brokenwings]

Yes I have met his friends and they are very nice people.
No we are the same in terms of culture and religion.

I have been feeling like I want to let go for a long time but things always get back to being great again and I can't let go and I have so much determination to make it work.

My head and heart conflict with each other because we dis break up one time and it caused me to have an emotional break down.

I guess I need some think time.

Thank you everyone for all your help, much appreciated.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

[jns]

Yes I have met his friends and they are very nice people.
No we are the same in terms of culture and religion.

I have been feeling like I want to let go for a long time but things always get back to being great again and I can't let go and I have so much determination to make it work.

My head and heart conflict with each other because we dis break up one time and it caused me to have an emotional break down.

I guess I need some think time.

Thank you everyone for all your help, much appreciated.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

He is manipulating you to maintain control. He makes sure there are good times that keep you trapped. He is in charge of making those times good and other times bad.

[BabyGirl]

I am relieved that you have met his friends. As I was temped to believe that he may have had another relationship in the State he lives in and that you were just Back-up for when that one was on the outs.
Still, I feel when Someone Loves another, going several days without contact when one is upset with the other, shows an Immaturity and or a Controlling personality.

What you might try, since you say you have felt like letting go for a long time...
Is have a talk with him, explain how you want this to work, that you Love him, but also you feel that you 2 should take a short break in order to have some reflection time on the Future of the relationship.

You can do as CW offered.
Tell him you want to work on bettering yourself, since you seem to make alot of Mistakes or are so wrong in your actions or thoughts, that it has him feel unwilling to have contact with you for days..

He will either agree readily ( which is not too good ) or start realizing what he is doing.. The controlling of your feelings. You can be honest and tell him that when he doesn't communicate with you for days.. That it makes you feel that you need some Self Improvement, so when and if you do marry, you will not have to go days without Communicating with each other.

So Take a Week straight, ,7 whole Days....agree to no contact on BOTH Sides.
*** A Test to see how much he misses you ( we already know how You Feel ). But don't tell him this is what you are doing ( Testing Him)

But then after that week is over, wait until he contacts you. If he does That's Awesome and a Positive Action of his Improvement..

Then tell him how much you missed him but you kept Busy with your life, your work, your friends. This in a sense teaches him , though you don't want to end the relationship and you'd rather work together on Improving it..

That you can survive without him.. The Key to this Not being Your Controlling Him or Him Controlling you, Is to actually do things with others during that week.
Keep Busy, Start Early Spring Cleaning, go Shopping, read a good book ( maybe on Self Improvement or Self Esteem or Relationship Building ), Volunteer at a Church or Food bank..

If He doesn't contact you on that 8th day, Continue to keep Busy and know in your Heart that You Can Survive without him and that it may be painful, but you are Bettering your life, Your Self Just by having Self Control and Self Respect.

This will also teach you a little more about him.
Is he Stubborn and Selfish, does he think of only his wants and wishes and of him being the only on who can be Right ?
Or is he able and willing to see and Correct his own actions when he knows it causes someone he loves Pain ? Is he willing to merge the gap and make it a " Couple" that works on the Relationship together, instead of One Controlling the Other ?

Time Will Tell

[Brokenwings]

Thank you so much for your replies. All advice given has helped. I will see how we get on and our next bickering and see what happens, but I am getting to that point I do want to be with him then again I dont