[Hopeless Dork]

I think with her history of abuse, and in light of this new situation that happened... the push pull game has to end -- unless you guys set aside some real firm ground rules, safe words etc... you could find yourself in the doghouse again and again and she could find herself feeling violated when it was so obviously not your intention.

[I_Am_A_Man]

this is all great advice, folks - thank you. I know that over-apologizing is a bad thing, and I have actually refrained from doing that. I also know that the key to this is getting her to agree that we just need to start over. It's coming up on a full week since I have seen her and last night when she knew that I wanted to talk to her, she chose to go out with her friend. I called her out on this and saying I felt like I at least deserved the right to talk to/see her and work things out and she said that she had that night planned all week, but never told me.

I know people have to deal with things at their own pace so I think I'm gonna stop pushing for a "meeting" and let it happen when she's ready. The elephant in the room has been acknowledged and is on the table. The ball is now in her court and I think I am going to cut off all communication, unless she initiates it first. Then we can go from there. Is this a good idea?

[Hopeless Dork]

Yep... I think persuing a person that has already felt "threatned" is treading into a territory that you won't feel comfortable being in. She had some sort of flashback, or felt violated in some way.. she understands that you meant no harm so let her come to you. Breathing down her neck at this point will only re-stir feelings of being 'controlled' or 'coerced' as innocent as your intentions now are. So just to keep yourself on the 'safe' person list -- dont push... you let her know that you will be there when she's ready to talk to you and leave it at that. Maybe she is embarrased by her reaction and not wanting to deal with that.

A lot of women feel guilt or feel like a freak for reactions to things that they really have no control over... maybe she wants it to blow over... maybe she doesn't want to talk about it and just wants things to go back to normal... but leave that to her, give her space, let her come to you... I think thats the right thing.

[I_Am_A_Man]

That's exactly what I'm going to do - I'm not going to invite her out to do anything or to initiate even a meeting. I'm going to let her set the terms and have her make the effort to call/text me and set up a meeting (lol, this sounds so professional but I lack for a better term). She knows where I stand.

I just hope it's sooner rather than later, as we have already gone a full week without seein each other.

I will let you all know what happens. Thank you.

[I_Am_A_Man]

Ok, still have not seen or verbally spoken to her, but we have had some text exchanges and clearly she still wants to keep her distance:

Me: Hey! hope your day went well! doing anything tonight?
her: Hi! My day was good..pretty uneventful. How was urs? (she ignored my comment about her plans tonight)

Me: It was ok. This awkward tension is really getting to me and I just wanna talk soon. Can we please do that?

her: I guess I just don't feel the tension as much as you do. But ya sure. I dunno what you wanna talk about though.

Me: Really? I guess I just want to start over. I enjoy spending time with you is all and we have been distant lately, and I know that's my fault

Her: I think the distance thing is probably more my fault.

ME: I feel like I caused it. I feel bad about it all the time but I was hoping we could move on. I feel like we had a good thing going is all

Her: Dont feel bad about it...I mean u cant change what happened. It's not like I'm mad at you for it, but Im just still freaked out by it.

Me: Ok I understand. I hope you will be comfortable around me soon again. I just want you to be aware that it is important to me. Can we do dinner this week?

no answer back and that was last night. She only likes to text for some reason and that's how we have been communicating. I didn't talk to her at all Sunday and yesterday I just wanted to get the communication going even though I said I would not talk to her AT ALL. I guess I just cant completely sever communication like I thought.

It is clear that she doesn't wanna meet up and see me but she is also not mad. I just dont know what to do at this point. How long should I give her to figure things out? I havent seen her in over a week now and it's really eating me up that I cant see or even talk to her and I want her so badly. I really screwed things up, but one mistake should be able to be hurdled and we should be able to move on. It's a matter of her personal comfort and she is not ready for things to be normal again - I'm not sure she will ever be.

[Guest]

Like you said....no more communication until she initiates it.

She knows how you feel and what you want to do, as you made that perfectly clear.

Honestly, you sound a little "clingy" at this point (IMO).

If your dog gets out and you chase after it, it will continue to run from you thinking it's a game. However, if you make eye contact with that same dog and turn and walk away, the dog realizes that it's not a game and that it needs to return home.

You've made contact, you've clearly stated your position, now return home and go on with your life. IF it's meant to be, she will return to you, if it's not, she won't. STOP pushing the issue. Each time you do, she continues to "run" (IMO).

[I_Am_A_Man]

Thanks, Seeker - you give good advice. That was my original intent, but given her aversion to speaking (verbally) and meeting up with me, I felt I had to get some things off my chest so a text was the only way to do it. I know that I could be pushing her away, but this time - and I MEAN IT!- I will not contact her at all until she contacts me. I realize I seemed "clingy" but there were things I HAD to say before I could mentally "Move on with my life."

I needed her to know that I just wanted to "start over" and that was the main thing. Now she knows that, and I know she isn't interested in seeing me right now, I can move on. I hope at some point she does re-initiate contact, but I will move on as if she doesn't exist. I think the only time I will text her is if she texts me first.

[I_Am_A_Man]

update

OK, three days and still no contact. I did congratulate her on her new job but that's it. I know she worked hard to get it and I wanted her to know I was happy for her. We have gone 10 days without seeing each other and until today, we went 2 full days without even texting - which is huge for this girl.

I had to congratulate her because I truly was happy for her. I will not text her anymore, but felt like I had to because I helped her get the job.

[Guest]

A card would have done the same thing, maybe meant more because it took some effort, and would have avoided "contact".

You justify your actions. That is a concern (IMO). Makes me think "clingy" again.

The "dog" (in the context from above) is going to continue to "run" as long as you chase (contact) it. The same "dog" will only consider returning home once it realizes you have stopped chasing it and only if it wants to.

Stop chasing.... Stop justifying your actions.... Stop making excuses....

[Guest]

People that are too clingy ALWAYS have an excuse or justification for their actions...