[stariana]

What if you approached a discussion about what it is that you truly miss about "her" . . . the woman before the tragedies, the woman you fell in love with in the first place. And ask if you could spend the cabin weekend with that girl, who had no worries, who had to sorrow, who had no "issues". Letting her know that you miss that aspect of your relationship, and letting her know that if she can't provide that "intimacy" you long for, then the relationship needs attention, you need the attention. Would she be willing to forgo the dinners out, the shopping? Have you come right out and asked her? You can keep the toys, etc. a secret, and it might be fun, if you communicate directly with her prior to finalizing plans. Let her know why you want a weekend away, just the two of you. Sometimes we assume another's reaction, only to find out later that our assumption was incorrect, had we given them the chance.

And for me, if I know my partner "expects" something (sex, dinner ready when he walks in, his laundry done, whatever. . . .) and I DON"T have "it" ready for him, even if he doesn't say something and I know I've let him down, I feel like a failure. I don't like to feel that way, so then I become resentful because I feel his expectations may exceed my capability on that given task, whichever it may be. This becomes a pattern - stress to fulfill expectations, stress when I don't. Maybe her withholding from her sexual desires is because she knows she has let you down in the past, so rather than open herself up for more hurt & feeling like more of a failure, she avoids it completely.

[caster]

Stariana, the whole situation is kinda of strange for us. Could just be everything has piled up. It hasn't been that long since we've gone through multiple funerals for loved ones, trying to reconnect between us may just be different timing. Maybe I'm ready and she's not? Fear? Remorse? Survivors guilt? Could be anything.
But her lack of sexual insterest vs mine is long standing though, getting worse over the years, but from these forums I see that's a pretty common theme.
It has come to a head recently though.

Of course you definitely know your wife and your relationship better than we do, but there's usually something serious going on among couples who never argue.

Oh yeah, we've been together for 28 years, and never had an arguement, must be something seriously wrong.

[Ashlee T.]

Oh yeah, we've been together for 28 years, and never had an arguement, must be something seriously wrong.

I must say, your condescending responses to people who have taken time out of their day to read your situation and try to give honest open minded helpful responses, speaks volumes. Best of luck to you.

[WildChild]

But her lack of sexual insterest vs mine is long standing though, getting worse over the years, but from these forums I see that's a pretty common theme.

I do hope you are noting that it is a common relationship theme and that in many cases it is the man who has a lack of interest. It's not about one gender or the other so much as it is about how people interact, their expectations and communication.

Being denied sexual and intimate interaction is damaging on many levels. I understand that you are very frustrated but I encourage you to give some thought to the no arguements observation. There are knock down drag out kinds of arguing which I think are unhealthy and immature but a deep conversation or fairly intense exchange can help clear the air in a positive way without being damaging. If the two of you have fallen into a pattern of interaction where subjects are avoided, issues are not brought up, differences are dealt with by capituation without conversation, if one is a much more powerful personality and the other has gotten into the habit of a passive acceptance or passive aggressive response, you have some work to do and it amy require some help from a trained 3rd party. Even if your wife won't go with you, you should consider interviewing some counselors and finding one you are comfortable working with. This is not a lifetime commitment, often times just a few sessions can give you the tools you need to see positive change.

[caster]

Update: She emailed at work yesterday about getting away for just a day so I asked where she'd like to go. She said where ever I were taking her. I told her that's a two day trip and we need to be doing better first, but we could do an overnighter this weekend closer to home. She agreed.
Got home from work and she's waiting in bed, she hadn't done that in quite awhile. Nice, um, time ensued.

While dinner was cooking we had some wine on the porch and talked a bit, our favorite thing to do, told her I felt she was distancing herself and losing focus on what's important in our relationship, she agreed. We decided to have a date weekend at home instead of going away this weekend.
I think she now realizes we need to, and she wants to, reconnect, so we'll start with this. I can still do the cabin later as things progress.

New toys came in, but she hasn't seen them yet. Nosey woman saw the Amazon . com box though and started asking questions... Think I ducked that one for now but the CC bill will be another story.

The disparity in libido goes both ways no doubt. You read a Mens forum, it's the woman, you read a womens and it's the men.

BD:
Not being condensending toward anyone, but some replies just insinuate way to much. Not enough info on our relationship to make that type remark.
Some couples love to fight, some never argue at all. Doesn't mean we don't disagree, but to argue a point is pointless. Each already has their view, if I can't get her to agree to mine, or vise versa, by discussion, then what's the point of arguing?

[Ashlee T.]

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction.

BD:
Not being condensending toward anyone, but some replies just insinuate way to much. Not enough info on our relationship to make that type remark.
Some couples love to fight, some never argue at all. Doesn't mean we don't disagree, but to argue a point is pointless. Each already has their view, if I can't get her to agree to mine, or vise versa, by discussion, then what's the point of arguing

I just think you should be careful when someone is really reading and TRYING to get as good of a picture as they can of your situation and give you advice accordingly. It's okay to disagree with the advice given, but a simple "thanks for your thoughts on my situation" is simple enough, not leading to argument, but not sounding like a total you know what either. The fact is, when someone is typing about their situation, the readers get bits and pieces of the story along the way, that's just natural. In the process, there will be some assumptions, some speculation. It's unavoidable. But if your response sounds like way to make what the poster said look like an ID10T then well, people will stop responding.

Now, back to your original post, I'm glad she has acknowledged some things she needs to work on and hopefully if there are things you can work on to make the relationship stronger, you will work on those too. Best of luck to you and your lady!

[stariana]

glad to hear the communication has started! see? i knew it would . . .