[Ashlee T.]

Babygirl - Pppffffft.....that would be positive reinforcement for his whiney behavior. lol No way jose!!

He had a game tonight, said it was a rough one, didn't go well, they lost and he has bruises on his arm and a cut. I said "sounds like a rough game", and he goes on to tell me how he's the skinniest guy on the team but he's the roughest. Then I asked him if he was going to go to hot yoga with me Thursday and he said he'd have to see how his elbow is, he's going to ice it tonight he says. And I said "becauuuuuuuuse you're a WEENIE!!!!". He thought that was funny, as he normally does take things like that well, and then again started talking about how hardcore he is on the ball court. I'm secretly thinking "pfft, yeah right, this dude whines over EVERYTHING. He's either a total whiner for nothing, or he's fibbing about his bball activity.". I honestly think it's more the former rather than latter. I basically said "In the 6 months I've known you, I don't think there's been a day that something hasn't been wrong, somewhere on your body". His response was that he's just really rough when he plays ball, but I said "you've only been playing ball for about a month or two..... your back, your knees, your wrist, your foot, your elbow, your throat hurts, your nose is running, youre stuffy headed, you have a fever, ...........must I go on???" He thought it was funny...and said something about "if I fall and break my toe tomorrow you're going to feel bad for saying that!" and I said "Only if I have to hear you whine about it!!!" and he said "I won't say a word!" and I said "Good!! I ain't your momma!!!". It was all said in good humor, I mean hurting his feelings wasn't what I had in mind...but perhaps nonchalantly getting a point across was. I think I failed.

The funny part about it all is that he just sees it as funny and totally normal. He's clumbsy, so he just sees it all as normal. But, I hold to the fact that I don't think having something wrong THAT often is normal. I will not be convinced otherwise. lol

[Guest]

Having something wrong with any frequency is not normal. IMO, it's the opposite of normal. There are those that mentally maintain an inventory of aches and pains or itches and complains. I have difficulty with either one. I have members of my family, a sibling and a parent, who don't appear to be 'happy' unless they have something to groan and moan or itch and complain about...

I think you're on the right track BD and I would firm up the tone of your voice the next time you say "only if I have to hear you whine about it" so it's not so nonchalant.

Does your guy workout or just play Bball?

Hang in there BD.

[Ashlee T.]

So it turned out, that he wasn't really joking around afterall. He actually got mad when I razzed him about telling me he couldn't help me Sunday because he had to "save his energy" for the game. But he didn't tell me he was mad, he just gave me the cold shouder. I (of course...hehe) confronted it and said "umm...are you mad?" and he said he didn't understand why I couldn't understand that people get seriously injured while playing bball and that when he tore his ACL twice he never even shed a tear, and etc etc etc. I told him I know things like tearing your ACL (which he has done twice) is real, is serious, is awful pain and I admire anyone who goes through that and still wants to play. But I reiterated that it is not things like that I was referring to, it's the CONSTANT having something wrong and the frustration on my end never knowing whether it's serious or just another ache and pain. I also informed him that I grew up in a family of bball players (and football and baseball and track) and that I'm not ignorant to the sport. He said something to the effect of "And Sunday, I just don't get it. I had a game. I didn't want to waste my energy for the game. What do people normally do before a game? Rest, relax, and warm up. I'm totally lost here....." I suppose helping me would've been a "waste" of his energy. haha.

I explained to him that my way of dealing with this is to joke about it. And I did bring to his attention that this is not just something that has started since basketball. This is something I've picked on him about since the beginning because I noticed right off the bat that he seemed sick alot. Obviously we all get sick, and it's been a rough year for sickness, so I understood. But when that started being in combination with the "ouch"s and "OHHHH!!!!" and "AHhhh!!!!"'s, I started noticing it more and more. I NEVER know when to take it seriously.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being too hard on him. When I ended the conversation last night I made my mind up that I just don't see this working out. That we are just not right for each other. Of course, I feel less sure of myself after I sleep on something, I start doubting myself, "am I being too hard on him?", "am I subconsciously sabatoging this?"......I don't think I am, but I can't help but second guess myself.

[Ashlee T.]

Does your guy workout or just play Bball?

He says he lifts weights at home and does situps and pushups, he just doesn't go to the gym. But that brings up the whole other issue of the fact that in 6 months, I've been to his apartment once.......so I truly have no idea how he lives his life when he's in the comforts of his own home.

I would never say this to him, cause it's not cool to bring up exes like that and all (hehe) but my most recent ex ran 3-6 miles a day, or ran 1-2 miles a day combined with heavy lifting and then come and push mow and weedeat my half acre lot without hesitation. And not just him, but I've truly never had a man in my life that claimed to have to save an entire days energy to play a bball game or something similar. I've always been one to push myself physically and it's just hard for me to comprehend I guess.

[pretzel]

This may well be my last word on this subject as it seems that this is becoming more of a serious issue even though the subject is in essence a bball game, the fact that it is causing you to think hard about the viability of the relationship is something I'd rather not voice any opinions on until needed (or asked for).

Two questions,

Can you get over his personality trait of being a complainer?

Are you willing to always second quess yourself on whether you're being too hard on him or not?

[Ashlee T.]

You can always get him an impromptu gift ?
Say Something like this ???

LOL!!! I have used that story as an example to him many times!

This may well be my last word on this subject as it seems that this is becoming more of a serious issue even though the subject is in essence a bball game, the fact that it is causing you to think hard about the viability of the relationship is something I'd rather not voice any opinions on until needed (or asked for).

*grumble* I don't like when you do that. You can't just leave me hanging. You're in this for the long haul like it or not pretzel!!! haha.

Can you get over his personality trait of being a complainer?

No, probably not. There will ALWAYS be aches and pains. And then there will be serious issues. After the age of 30, if we focused on each one of those, both serious and just ache and pain, we'd be CONSUMED all the time with our own physical health. I am a solver!

Are you willing to always second quess yourself on whether you're being too hard on him or not?

I second guess myself alot in relationships. I don't want to make the wrong decision and later regret it. So the second guessing isn't a result of him, it's a result of me.

[BabyGirl]

BD...
I know I joke alot about this, but is only to lighten the situation.
I do see the underlying worries you have of the future with his complaining so much.
Is there a way you can really sit down with him and without joking, just explain that you are there for him and if he is really hurt or hurting, of course you will try to help and help him find solutions.

But also that every little ache & pain that he reports, has you wondering if he may be headed to a serious decline in Health and Ability to do normal daily things and even Vacations and outings with you ?

Possibly have him get a lil notepad and write down every time he feels pain or aches, where and when it happens. Then he can go over it and see how many times he Complains, it might bring it to his attention that it is excessive ?

And of course have him keep track of the Happy things, the good feelings. Have him Compare the Good feelings in his life VS The Bad things ? Maybe he will attempt to balance it out to where the Good things are far Superior than the Bad ones.

Just a thought.

[Ashlee T.]

BG - Those are things I think would help him. But what I'd be helping him do is see things the way I do, the way I want him to see them. So in a sense, am I trying to change him? And, after my last relationship where I felt like the mother and counselor (therapist) to him SO often, I'm just not sure I'm up for it with this one. It's like I do all this work, then we break up, and some other girl reaps the rewards of all my efforts. I'm just not willing to be his therapist.

[pretzel]

BG - Those are things I think would help him. But what I'd be helping him do is see things the way I do, the way I want him to see them. So in a sense, am I trying to change him?(

yes, and there really isn't anything wrong with that. A person who cares for someone else and who wants to be committed with that person will take the time to listen, understand why it is important to that person, and would do their best to do what's necessary to make the other person happy with who they are and where they are going as a couple.

What's wrong with that?

[Texinator]

Next time he whines about something, tell him to go pop a Midol.