[A Concerned Friend]

I have a friend who is in a VERY controlling relationship. I so badly want to help her because I'm concerned about her safety. Besides being there for her what else can I do? He controls everything she does, who she can talk to, where she can go, even when she can turn on the a/c or heat. There have been times that he has been physical with her as well. Right now his mother isn't doing well and he is using that to control her. She is a very kind person and does realize what is going on but doesn't want to leave him with this going on. I've told her there is 'never a right time' to leave and regardless of what's going on in him life he's going to react the same way. What can I do? How can I help her get away from such a dangerous situation?

[Ashlee T.]

As her friend, you can encourage her, you can bring resources to her attention that may aid her, but you can't make her leave. And I know you wish you could...I've been there and it's a very helpless feeling.

Is her family aware that she's in an abusive dangerous relationship?

If she has any private moments at all or access to a computer outside of her home, perhaps you could encourage her to join the site here and talk to us.

If she WANTS out, but is scared he'll hurt her, get the police involved and have her stay at your local safe space until things cool down a bit. He can't get to her there.

Does she want out? She needs to realize she may lose her life before she finds the "right" time. There is no better time than now.

[A Concerned Friend]

It is a very helpless feeling! I hate it! She does want out but is scared. She's not the only one affected by this either she has children (teens from another relationship) that he is very controlling with too. I'm going to point her in this direction.....maybe getting advice from others will give her the ability to be strong enough to leave. She keeps asking me if she's crazy, if it's all in her head, because that's what he tells her. I reassure her that it's him and not her over and over again. I wish I could give her my strength because if it were me I would have left a long time ago. I've been in a abusive relationship so I know where she's coming from. I know the helpless feeling she has and the doubt. I know the "am I the cause of this" feeling she has and I just want to grab her and pull her away. Keep her safe so she doesn't have to go though it. I know I can't "make" her leave. I just wish there was a way I could convince her to leave.

[spurzzz]

Hi, welcome to WH. She is lucky to have such a good friend like yourself

It is so difficult for the person getting abused to see or think clearly due to the vast amounts of conflicting emotions involved, and so we can never lift their hands for them, that she will have to find the strength to do on her own....

There are sooooo many reasons people stay within abusivie relationships it really is staggering. I think the key thing you can do is to open her mind up to what an abusive relationship is all about and the signs to look out for, but also the damage a relationship like hers can do in the long term.
If she has a moment free, ask her to look up toxic relationships and research into the signs, the symptoms and the help that is available for people in her situation. Of course, you can forward her here also, but additional reading is recommended on her part so she can do some soul searching....

A controllive abuser will always create a scenario where it is never easy to leave them. They will use every trick in the book to control your mind and play on every single fear that you have, many of which they have created themselves by advocating their insecurities onto the vicitm. The idea is to have the victim so helplessly dependent on him that they cannot leave as they need him - this is how they feed their insecurities of abandonment and ease their tension. Very sad indeed.

It is in the end a battle of the minds and right now her mind is not focused. If you can get her to see someone local and professional for advice and guidance and perhaps print her off material to read up on that will open her mind to the reality that is her life at the moment.

Good luck, keep us posted

[jns]

Try introducing her to WH so she can ask questions directly. Maybe more opinions will convince her to leave.

[A Concerned Friend]

I talked with her today and mentioned this site. Things have only gotten worse for her. She is stuck in MI right now and he is trying to get her to move there. We live in AZ and his mother was sick so he went there to help her out. Being the kind person she is she went there to help and be supportive and now it has gone from staying for a little bit to him saying they are moving there. She has had no say in this decision and he has himself convinced that they are moving.

The scary thing is that he is from there and knows everyone. She knows no one there. He (in my mind) is try to get her away from her support system. He is trying to get her to a place where he can have eyes on her at all times. I know he doesn't like me and he knows that she talks to me. When her and I were on the phone he called her about 10 times within an hour. He has to know where she is at all times and be in her ear every second so that she can't think for herself.

I told her today that the reason he is freaking out and calling so much is because he knows that if he isn't there to be "in her ear" that she will be able to think for herself and in his eyes that can't happen. Maybe I shouldn't have said that but she agreed with me. It's getting hard for me to sit back and watch this happen to her. I fear for her everyday. When I don't hear back from her it scares me. I know it's because he's controlling every thing she's doing.

Anyways, I told her about this site and I'm going to email her the link (I know she has a secure email that he can't get into). Please pray for her as I am everyday! Thanks for all your advice and I will keep you updated.

[pretzel]

I know the distance is now a major issue. Her being away from her home has compounded the problem. If I can add one thing, there is more than likely a real and great fear that her husband may find out about any possible plans to get out of situation. That is most definately the worst case scenario for her.

Are you willing to do the leg work and act as her intermediary in setting up all she needs? Money, safety for both her and her kids, making sure she's safe even after she's left him?

She'll need help and alot of it.

[A Concerned Friend]

She knows she is more then welcome to come stay with my boyfriend and I. I've told her numerous times to pack up her and her son and stay with us. Her other son lives on his own with friends. I'm here for her 200% and she knows that as well. Right now she's trying to think of any possible way to get home even if that means leaving her car there.

[pretzel]

She knows she is more then welcome to come stay with my boyfriend and I. I've told her numerous times to pack up her and her son and stay with us. Her other son lives on his own with friends. I'm here for her 200% and she knows that as well. Right now she's trying to think of any possible way to get home even if that means leaving her car there.

Can you send her bus or train tix without her husband finding out? That may be necessary.

[Ashlee T.]

You are an awesome friend for being there for her and being concerned for her safety. You are right in fearing for her, both mentally and physically.

Do some research and find a safe space in her area for domestic violence victims. Send her the info and tell her to gradually pack herself a small bag of necessities. The first chance she gets, she needs to get out of that house and get to the safe space. Then, while there she can gather her thoughts, get herself a bus or plane ticket home.

If she's willing, you can help her get out of there.

Good for you for being such a great friend.