[Little]

As much as I support the idea of not losing contact with people in your life, even if they are exes ...
Your man is being seriously shady.
He's lying to you (and her, by omitting you from his life!) And this has been going on for a year? He must have some seriously redeemable qualities to put up with that for this long.
While it's nice that he doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, you're describing him as dumb. Do you really think he's dumb? That's kind of a harsh word for somebody you love.
And if it's 100% accurate, do you want a dumb man for a partner?
WC said it point blank: Only you can decide what is a deal breaker!
And only you can decide what is worth compromising, but he has made it clear that talking to her is uncompromisable.

[miffed23]

Oh I'm confused.

Aw Mes *hugs*

Like WC said, only you can decide what the dealbreaker is. Let me tell you my story - I was with someone for 4 years, we broke up amicably, i moved on too quickly and I did what your boyfriend is doing to you (not proud btw) I kept in touch with him, not as often as your boyfriend is but all the same I was in touch, I didnt want to loose contact with him because he was very special to me (this was how i justified it back then)

Obviously, the current squeeze back then was quite rightly unhappy about this, he asked the same questions that you are and I gave the same replies that your boyfriend is. The truth is, I still had feelings for him. I wasnt ready to let him go completely.

"I dont want to hurt her feelings" is a very clever excuse, because youre not going to argue with this or else you'd appear to be the bad guy. I used this one too - although, if you think about it, its actually more hurtful to the other person keeping that bond.

How long were they together for? How long was he single for before he met you? I think these would be good indicators and will help us to give you more advice.

[Mes T]

"In response to the second poster...there is NO way that I am still in a relationship with my ex~the whole thing has been a disaster from my point of view. I am just so annoyed...I'm trying so hard to do the right thing~I know, it took ages to send that terminal message~but as for those pictures cropping up~I could have sworn I had deleted them COMPLETELY ages ago...what is the point of "delete" or "trash" if it doesn't do what it says...if you think I was hoarding them in anyway, you are wrong. I'm not seeking attention from anyone else~you are (more than) enough for me...too much at the moment~I'm so angry with myself that you would think otherwise.
It boils down to I was cowardly & wrong, caring too much about what others think about me instead of only what the only important person (you) does...I hate this. I should be with you now, especially at this time. Please come & get me tomorrow~I hate being here while you fume at me. If I had any inclinations towards my ex, I wouldn't be as miserable as I am now."



Okay. That's his reply to the first lot of responses I sent to him in an email.

My first instinct is to believe what he says! But then I come here and read the next lot of posts, of very VALID points and questions, and I'm back to wondering.

I don't know exactly why they broke up. I've asked, gotten vague responses. Basically the last year they were together they were drifting apart. They also lived separately for the last year and despite still doing everything together, had no sexual contact. He didn't understand what was going on. Then she left the country with another man and he was very upset. That's all he's ever told me. I have a hard time comprehending this... How can you live separately from your partner, after years of living together, and not DISCUSS what is HAPPENING in your relationship? Either they had zero communication, or he's not telling me the full story.

They were together a total of 5 years, he must have been single for 1 year. The first thing I asked, when we started dating, is "Are you sure you're ready to be in a relationship again?" He said yes yes yes, and since then there have been plenty of times I've doubted this.

I don't know what he could possibly have been missing from me, when this was at its peak. We were happy, giddy, together all the time, things were great in the bedroom, we were active in life... I don't know.

[Mes T]

Oh and here's the kicker.

SHE at times had asked about ME! She's asked, in a friendly way, how I was doing... She's sent him a Christmas card that had both of our names on it (WHICH HE HID FROM ME, thinking I'd be upset).

So in my book this girl is absolutely nothing to worry about. It's just him that I need to figure out.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

5 years, and she left him with zilch sexlife, left him after living with him but kept it on a string for a year, then left entirely and with another man.

There is your answer, for him he never got closure of why?

If a man ditches a woman and moves on it is usually fine, but if she ditches and moves on he has a hard time with that.

I have no doubt that he loves you Mes... But, it is closure he needs, and if they didn't have the communication for that closure he is still not communicating with you, so you have to get him to open up, release, let go and work on the communication in your relationship so he can have his closure and move on in a much better surrounds this time around and not have you nick off in a year yourself

[kristalyn_04]

Just a thought, Mes... but it could be that he had his heart broken by this woman, and he never got the closure he needed to move on. Maybe he does still have some feelings for her, but not in the sense of wanting to be in a relationship with her, if that makes sense. It's very, very hard to let go of something (or someone) when you don't get the closure you need to move on. I'm not at all making excuses for him, the way he's handling this is definitely wrong. I think it's unfair to you that you get caught up in the aftermath of a possibly painful break-up, if he wasn't ready to let go of this woman he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being friends with an ex, IF and only if both have had closure and have come to an understanding. Some people don't work well as a couple but are great as friends. But the fact that he has been lying about this, keeping things from both you and her, is concerning.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Haha, that but make two of us thinking the same CLOSURE x

[kristalyn_04]

Haha, that but make two of us thinking the same CLOSURE x

Lol CW you had posted before I was even done writing my response... how do you always do that?

Anyways, Mes, I think this is fixable, but it's going to take some work and self-realization on his part.

[Mes T]

I've sent him the next lot of posts, ha! As you guys are phrasing exactly what I am thinking, and I really need him to explain himself on every point raised. I also said if he's not going to communicate about this to the extent I need, he may as well not come home. Too harsh? Nah... I don't think so.

I feel good about making a "stand." Too often we've fought and quickly made up only to fight again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You go girl, somehow I can see you smiling in what? Victory over this one Better not send him that post lols


Kristalyn two great minds work alike
Two great typists type at the same speed