[Lonesomedove]

My husband has become good friends with his female co worker. He started job in Oct 2011 and at first he was quiet as he usually is. He is usually not a people person. He is not shy but finds it hard to talk to people.
the female co-worker is catholic and very nice and friendly. she poked and proded until My husband spoke and now good friends. My husband and i have been having marital problems for 3 years now and we don't communicate very well and in fact im jealous of her and we don't have sex. Now because i am jealous i friended her on facebook and since then have chatted and become friends ourselves.
She has told me she comes from a very strict chinese family and cannot date a white man and she she told me she is not the type to ruin relationships or be a mistress and to trust her. i believe they are not having sexual relations but i am jealous that they get along a lot better than my husband and myself does.
He says shes funny and friendly and thats why he likes her. i dont know how to shake this jealous feeling and stop worrying he going to leave me due to iour problems and find someone else. he reassures me that he loves me and doesnt want anyone else but how he makes me feel sometimes makes me so insecure. when i talk about my feelings he looks as though he is not bothered.
i mean i understand that because i did nag him a lot because i was insecure and talked a lot about how he makes me feel and jealous stuff. i love him to death but i feel im the one who is doing all the compromising and he is barely trying. i show him affection, i offer sex, i make his lunch and dinner, i try my hardest to keep my feelings to myself and i stopped nagging him about looking at ****ty womans profiles on facebook. all i ask is for some moral support, to actually help me when im insecure and need to talk about my feelings and not roll your eyes. the female co worker is trying to help me out and tell him to treat me better or he will lose me but doesnt seem to help.
i am being to over the top with this. they sit so close together at work, spend 8 hours a day together. get along so well. they text every now and then but he doesnt hide his phone. he spends all of his off time with me, he doesnt go anywhere. i am prettier than her. he says he will not stop being friends with her because of me being a jealous freak. if she was all over him and flirting than yes he would. am i over reacting?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My husband and i have been having marital problems for 3 years now and we don't communicate very well

we don't have sex

I dont know how to shake this jealous feeling and stop worrying he going to leave me due to iour problems and find someone else. he reassures me that he loves me and doesnt want anyone else but how he makes me feel sometimes makes me so insecure. when i talk about my feelings he looks as though he is not bothered.

i offer sex

i try my hardest to keep my feelings to myself and i stopped nagging him about looking at ****ty womans profiles on facebook

i am being to over the top with this

he doesnt go anywhere. i am prettier than her. he says he will not stop being friends with her because of me being a jealous freak. if she was all over him and flirting than yes he would. am i over reacting?

I think that you have to seriousy look at what you wrote and welcome to the Forum.

Three years is a long time to have on-going problems in a marriage. You say you don't have sex, in addition, no intimacy, bonding yet you say you offer sex... Why then is there no sex?

Do you believe that people's "spaces" are exactly that? Their own space and that whilst married, there should be trust? I'd be peeved if you were checking my facebook and I was your husband but I'm also disturbed that you view those women as ****ty..

You say you are better looking than the co-worker, so you are viewing all women associated with your husband and putting them into a catagory, yes sweet, that is very in-secure but that may stem from 3 years of not having a proper marriage and little or no sex so to me? The problem at hand is not the co-worker , it's solving your marriage..

If you believe that you are better looking then why get jealous, why nag, why call associated friends of his names probably to him and why is there no trust in your marriage...

You have to work on your insecurity and you have to "both" work on your marriage... He is right, she is not all over him, flirting and you are friends with her as well, it's "ok" to have opposite sex as friends, it's healthy..

You say he's always with you if not at work, do you get out? Do you have friends? Or now that you are married you are stuck at home and feel threatened?

I suggest that you join something where you can interact as well with people, make new friends, make a promise to him that you trust him and will work on this jealousy, nagging, in-security and also communicate that a woman needs love, to fuel good emotions so he needs to make an effort to have date nights, to laugh, to hold you, hug you and be intimate as well with you, so you don't go off feeling the way you do on-going which eventually will ruin the marriage anyway as there won't be one, it will be two people living together.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Your feelings are pretty normal in my opinion. You and your husband aren't getting along well and he's getting along just fine with a single female that he see's daily and has befriended. I think any woman would feel concerned with that. But instead of befriending her too in hopes of diverting her (1. That doesn't work, women can be very shady and 2. You aren't married to her, she's not the one you need to concern yourself with) instead of all that you should focus on your relationship and communication and figure out why you guys aren't getting along.

Compromises need to be made so that you can feel more secure and so that he can feel like you arent breathing down his neck. CW's suggestions are awesome. You need your own friends, your own hobbies... something else to do so that you don't just sit and obssess over every little thing he does.

Understand, and take comfort in, the fact that you have NO control over whether or not he cheats, leaves you etc. So why worry yourself? If he is going to cheat, or leave... he will do it whether your sick over it or not. And if he's a good faithful man and loves you... all your accusations are going to just make him feel unworthy of your trust, resentful and bitter. So its just no point. Don't look for things that aren't there.

I'm not saying close your eyes to something you think is going on... but if he's not acting shady, don't sweat him. The more you freak out, the more secrets he will keep. Don't punish him for his honesty or guess what... that will go out the window.

Let him know without arguing, what you need him to do, in words, actual words... to make you feel loved and special. Don't just say ' you don't make me feel special'. Say... it would make me feel so special if you did xyz, I really feel loved by you when you abc... etc. Ask him what makes him feel special and loved and try do what it takes to make him happy if he's meeting you halfway.

Work is work, as long as he isn't chatting her up to you... susie likes this, susie likes that, susie said something soooooo funny, susies so smart... etc, as long as he isnt making excuses to exclude you from social activities where she will be, as long as he isn't acting shady and secretive you have no real reason to worry about him cheating with her.

So honestly, your focus should be on saving your relationship, and not letting it grow stale. Keep the FUN in it. Don't make it miserable for either of you. Susie at work (im just making up a name obviously) is friendly and always happy to see him, she's in a good mood ... and you do not want to be the 'stick in the mud' at home thats always complaining. Enjoy your life more, and you'll enjoy your love more...

[darcdante]

So honestly, your focus should be on saving your relationship, and not letting it grow stale. Keep the FUN in it. Don't make it miserable for either of you. Susie at work (im just making up a name obviously) is friendly and always happy to see him, she's in a good mood ... and you do not want to be the 'stick in the mud' at home thats always complaining. Enjoy your life more, and you'll enjoy your love more...

PERFECT response! He sees her always at her best. She's made up for work, always happy, etc.

I think HD and CW are right that you need something to do. Do you go out at least once a week away from your husband? Doing so would free you from the stress your under at home for a bit and boost your confidence. It'd also help your husband to see that you're not 100% dependent on him for your needs.

That said, you're married and CW and HD are both right that you need to work on that marriage. Or rather, your husband needs to work on it, cause it sounds like you're doing almost everything you can. I recommend books like The 5 Love Languages or His Needs, Her Needs. Problem is, if only one person tries, it won't be enough. Your husband has to put forth the effort to help your marriage.

Hmm...make sure you do fun things. Go on a date a couple times a month, just the two of you, something you'll both enjoy. Like HD said, keep the fun in the marriage.

[Lonesomedove]

I lost trust in him when he went on Porn chat and lied about it and still to this day wont admit how long and what he exactly talked to her about. he lost trust in talking to me because i lost trust and became insecure due to no sex because he is 36 and says he doesnt feel horny so i question when he looks at woman on facebook not friends they are just application friends or just sexy woman to add. he doesnt talk to them just likes to look at pictures that have cleavage out. we are starting to get better now im am easing up and his friend the woman told him to do better too. she knows about both our problems. i felt better getting to know her more then to always worry if she was a man stealer or not. she def is not and her mom only allows her to date chinese men. that and she is catholic and would hate to be a mistress. in time im sure our marriage will get back at least i can hope. As long as he is open and honest with me and shows me affection and love i will be fine. Him lying to get himself out of trouble makes me lose trust in him. he has lied about the porn chat and going on a porn site then deleting it from history to hide it even tho i told him i dont mind him doing it i just want to know. so hopefully he wont lie anymore. Thanks again

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There are so many threads on this Forum relating to porn and how it is affecting women and their relationships, go to advanced search and type in porn and have a read.

Definately, this is a grown man who needs to understand that if something he does means it affects the marriage, such as porn then he needs to look at that instead of sweeping it under the carpet, by deleting history...

This is not about watching porn, or looking at clevage this is about, neglecting you sexually and in that, no bonding, intimacy that makes you feel loved and beautiful and instead brings you down, makes you question everything and makes you feel un-attractive and in-secure and this is about lies, how can you trust when lied to?

I said this once...

" Imagine, you are looking at other women's vaginas, then coming to bed with me, and I have to 1) question did you learn that from porn? And are you seeing them as you are with me? And, 2) how would you like it if I started checking out penises and masterbated to those and didn't want yours? Would you like me to start doing that? "

I don't mind anyone watching porn, but if it means I am being neglected then yes I mind.

Then comes this... Did it mean back then that I was neglecting him perhaps? And so, he chose that as he was sexual? If the answer is mmmm, yes I was, am....Then the vixen in you, the sexy woman that you are, the lover, the wife, needs to come out more....

CW

[Lonesomedove]

it happened when we had threesome and foursome which i pushed him into, i know my stupidity. i just like to make him happy and thought since he hasnt done it before i would give it a go. i was kind of hoping he would say no it would not be good for us but he enjoyed it but i didnt.

ever since then i would nag him and ask him all the time if he loved me if he still thinks im sexually attractive etc. we dont have sex much because he got depressed and lost his sex drive. he still to this day doesnt have it back snd its been 3 years. it makes me insecure and how he treats me now because i have nagged and get jealouse he doesnt show his feelings and he hides things cause he doesnt want to start conflict or for me to get into a conversation about our realtionship. i always offer sex and want it, he does not and when i ask he will say yes but he not horny and when we have sex he looks bored.

i know i have a lot to do with how he is but still he shouldnt say things and do the things he does and make me feel worse. he doesnt compliment me, we dont have much sex, we dont talk hardly esp about our relationship and how to fix it, he gets mad when i get jealous. he gets mad when he looks at ****ty woman he doesnt know on facebook just cause there cleavage is sticking out. i tell him how it makes me feel about him looking at woman when im insecure and he thinks im being stupid. i think he takes advantage of my kindness and thats why he walsk all over me the way he does. anytime i tell him how his actions make me feel and he rolls his eyes and gets upset, mad or quiet. he says he doesnt mind me talking about my feelings and stuff just not daily. thing is if he was doing things to make me feel better about myself i wouldnt talk a lot about my feelings. i am working hard on not talking everyday or often at all. (i left it for a month one time and he still got mad and said i talk about same stuff and i heard it before)

i love him to death but because he doesnt care as much about me or love me the same (he said this to me) i feel lost and out of hope. i want us to be happy and i want us to be fixed. i just hope he can change too not just me working on myself and him staying the same. He was a sweetheart and caring man when we first met and for the first year of marriage but since the threesome and my insecurity and jealousy it fell apart. He does say he doesnt want anyone else but me and wants us to be happy. but it seems like forever to fix. i find it so hard to trust him again cause he can be sneaky so he doesnt get in trouble or me to over react. i want him to understand in a marriage you have to be honest and open and help each other and compromise our issues as a couple.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We know that there are lessons in life to learn but some mistakes are costly.

You suggest he is a visual person and perhaps he can still visualise you with another man as to why he can not at this stage, go back to a "marriage" of committment, one on one. Perhaps this has affected him more than you realise...

And, for you, it appears that your in-security has heightened as a result of that threesome/foursome that you need constant validation of his love which if constant, just turns a person the other way sometimes.

I am not sure who calls these women "****ty" you or him but just because a woman likes to show her assets that does not constitute her being labelled.

You opened the door, and please don't get this the wrong way, but you did, so you can not in my opinion, walk around finding it hard to "trust" him again, as he's sneaky...

Somehow in my opininon you have to own up to that responsibilty and show him that it was a stupid mistake on your behalf and that you did it for him (which by the way we do things because we want to), and you regret it, because you do.. And, he is your all, the only person you ever, ever want in your life...

I don't know if he would go to councelling but something needs to happen here...

It fell apart after that night and 3 years is a long time since...

[oxy-moron]

Depression

Hi
Depression and low sex drive are linked.
If depression is his underlying problem it may be more fixable than you think.
Is he on depression meds?- these kill interest in sex.
There are other ways to deal with depression such as Fish oil /flax oil supplements.
Exercise- Vitamin D3- Diet.
There is a lot of info on the web about all of these.
Also try to start regular massage sessions with him - this will boost your bond and help pick up more interest in sex as well as help with his mood.

[Lonesomedove]

I would like to say Thank you all for the helpful tips. I am working on myself with insecurity and to hold back the nagging but also to stand up for myself at same time. He doesnt haveb a addiction to porn but he still lies to me and sneaks, he said it's habit cause of how i was and he thinks i will over react. I told him as im changing he has to trust me and be honest and open with me as well in order for me to trust him too. We both have been through a lot. He did mention he didnt love me or care for me as much as he did at beginning which made me upset but i guess we have to work on it. He is not on depression pills but he is trying to excercise more to give him energy and feel better about himself. Thanks once again all.

xo