[Lonesomedove]

views on porn and deleting history?

i told my husband on many occasions i dont care if he watches porn. He doesnt do it very often but that is because we are around each other a lot. I see the only time he looks at these sites is when im away or asleep. Then he deletes history. he told me he does this for habit. i used to nag or get upset him watching it. Thats only because we dont have sex hardly at all and he doesnt show me any affection. I find him deleting history to be sneaky.

If i ask him to compromise or try not to do something cause of how it makes me feel. He gets all defensive or mad. He says im trying to control him. i am not doing that at all. i myself am willing to do anything for him but he cant stop looking at other woman or porn because he thinks im controlling him. it hurts only because we dont have sex much and if we do im the one who has to initiate it. when he not in the mood he will still say yes but looks bored out of his tree when we do it and not fully errect. im not fat or ugly trust me and im very kinky and like new things and very open.

why does he feel he has to be sneaky and lie to me. He asked me to change and be more open and relaxed and not to talk about my feelings and nag him so i stopped. but i asked him to be honest and open with me. i didnt even nag at him or yell at him for watching it and try hiding it i was calm and easy as tho nothing happened for his benifit. i am starting to resent him cause i feel i do so much and he selfish and wants to do what he likes without thought on my feelings. I also have sex whenever he wants it even at 2am i even give him head when he wants but he doesnt seem to be interested at all anymore.

i understand i drained him and pushed him away by being insecure and nag him about my jealousy but when you love someone are you not suppose to help them feel better not worse. i been good this past 2 weeks and really trying why cant he. if he wants me to trust in him to be honest he has to actually be honest and trust in me to bve calm. He went on porn chat once and thats when i lost trust in him but im getting over it all and working on us. i feel he not trying hard enough to make me feel better so we can fix us too. If you have nothing to hide why delete history. He knows he can go on porn just not porn chat again.

[WildChild]

Lets see if I'm getting this;
he sneaks, hides what he is doing,
has been on porn chats,
has little or no interest in sex with you,
doesn't get fully erect,
used to want bjs but doesn't now,
shows you no affection,
wants you to be "open and relaxed" but not talk about your feelings,
you have stated that you are fine with him looking at porn just not the chats
he thinks you are being controlling
You think you "drained him and pushed him away" by being insecure
And you are trying to be "good" ?
?!

Reading through this does anything occur to you?

[WildChild]

There is a site called," Your Brain On Porn" I suggest you do some reading there.

[rcoreyus]

I have no problems with people watching porn IF their sex life is good and they are generally willing to be with their partners.

I do have a problem if people are watching porn while turning down their partners for sex.

I don't think erasing the history is improtant one way or the other - he probably just has some embarrassing fetish. If your sex life were good, then I woudn't worry about the history. Since it isn't, I don't think erasing the history is the big problem.

[Lonesomedove]

He tells me since he got depressed and lost his sex drive he hasnt yet got it back. He does not take pills for depression but i feel he blames me mostly for getting depresed because i was insecure and nagged at him for looking at other woman or porn and always asking him if he still loved me.

When he was depressed he was moody and irriatable and not at all interested in sex. i thought he was cheating but he says no and i trust him in that. we spend most of our time together so he has no time to cheat but he makes me feel he is only with me cause i put up with his and treat him so good.

yes i may be insecure and ask stupid questions but if he actually made me feel better about us and our marriage i wouldt be insecure and worry about everything and think negativly. he says to me he loves me and doesnt want anyone else but me and wants us to work out but he doesnt show me and doesnt make me feel loved and def does not like to talk about problems. he tends to lie to get himself out of trouble.

all i want is honesty and for him to be open why is this so hard. anytime i bring up anything he makes it out that im making such a big deal out of things and makes me feel so bad about talking about it. he gets defensive and mad. when i get mad at him for doing something i feel is inapropriate or makes me feel upset he gets mad back at me. how can i make him understand?

[WildChild]

You feel he is only with you because no one else will put up with him?

He wants to work it out, he says, but he won't talk about problems and he lies? How does he propose to work things out?

When you try to talk about something, he gets defensive and mad. If you get mad, he gets mad again?

What do you think is needed to work this out?

[WildChild]

I have merged the poster's two threads as I think they both need to be read to get a fuller understanding of what has gone on.

[oxy-moron]

Depression is directly linked to Diet- not spousal behaviour.
--------------------------------------------
The more trans fats a healthy person consumes, the higher the risk of developing depression, new research suggests.

A Spanish study, published this year in the online peer-reviewed journal PLoS ONE, followed 12,000 individuals over an average of six years, and in some cases as many as 10. All were initially depression-free.

At both the beginning and end of the study, participants were given an in-depth, 136-item questionnaire to assess their diets. That information was used to determine intake of different kinds of dietary fat.

The researchers discovered the biggest consumers of unhealthy trans fats were 48 per cent more likely to develop depression than those with the lowest intake of those fats, which are most commonly found in processed foods and have been linked to coronary heart disease, obesity and other health problems.

What’s more, the risk of developing depression increased as the intake of trans fats increased. “We didn’t expect so find such a strong . . . trend,” says study author Miguel Martinez-Gonzalez, chair of the Preventive Medicine and Public Health department at the University of Navarra in Pamplona, Spain.

The research team embarked on the project more than 10 years ago because depression has become such a public-health scourge — as many as 151 million people are suffering worldwide, the study notes. Yet there were no large, long-term observational studies on the relationship between dietary fat and depression, despite the fact that “there is a very strong rationale for looking at nutrition and depression,” Martinez-Gonzalez says. “We use our nervous system in order to overcome the everyday frustrations of everyday life. And this nervous system needs the chemicals we get with food to do a good job.”
--------------------------------
Trans fats are now banned in commercial cooking in New York.

Your man is depressed- sort out his diet.
To enjoy life you need the same brain chemistry that you need to enjoy sex.
Do not let a depressed persons opinion or behaviour upset you -they are not functioning normally.

[Lonesomedove]

well i dont know if he is depressed i think he just stopped loving me and is to afraid to leave. he told me he fantasized about asian woman and so i asked him and to be honest do you fantasize about your co worker? he said yes he does but that doesnt mean he wants to its just a fantasy. i was so upset inside but i left it alone because i am trying my hardest to get him to be honest and open with me. if i jumoed down his throat he will back off again and never tell me anything. i didnt tell his co worker this tho but i did make sure she knew i think he likes her and i think he wants to be more than just friends with her. He showers daily and he never used to, he texts her at work now and at home and they sit right next to each other. i see how happy he is with her and it just looks to me as though he likes her more than friends. she assured me that she is not like that and doesnt want him in that way and that she feels awkward at work now cause i told her that but i told her not to and she is ok now. she is trying to help me but because we have trouble at home and he makes her happy and they get along so welli feel he wants more. He told me (but i just have a gut feeling and think he is lying to me so he doesnt hurt me or make me nag or moan) he told me that he only likes her as freiend and doesnt want more than that cause he doesnt want to ruin his relationship with her as a friend and besides he said she doesnt want me in that way right cause she told you? its like he was trying to find out if she likes him in a sneaky way. i know he lies to get out of trouble but i love him and stuck in what to do. i dont want to leave thinking we could have worked if i just stopped being so jealous and insecure. but i also hate how he makes me feel, im always worried and insecure about us. he stopped loving me as much and stopped showing affection and with all the stuff i see and how he acts and what he tells me. im so lost whetehr to leave or stay. i so badly want to be with him but dont want to be unhappy either. he really tries to reassure me that nothing is going on with him and his co worker. but just how he is with her and acts lately. he doesnt want to see a counslor he doesnt like to talk to strangers.

[WildChild]

Get over this business of blaming yourself. You didn't make him what he is. He has chosen to lie and sneak. Good grief, you tried things many women would never even consider. Your openness with a threesome and foursome may have opened a door you can't close. If you are going to have an open marriage then you need ground rules and you need to understand that generally only really emotionally healthy people can deal with this.

The two of you sound like you are feeding each others behavior and you are carrying the guilt trip. He apparently sees you as either his enabler or fall back. Like a child who is exploring but wants the security of knowing mom will be their if he falls but once he feels he can run he may not look back.

Quit blaming and beating yourself up. You have to own your role and your biggest mistake may be in holding on. Why not give him your blessing? Tell him to go for it but that he has to understand that you won't be sitting and collecting dust. Being given his freedom he may decide he likes where he is better - or not, but either way you will have an answer and can quit letting him string you along.