[pretzel]

(real short version due to techincal difficulties)

Wife and I have been having serious issues in matters sexual (well documented). She's been telling me for years that she has no sex drive, wishes she could get it back, doesn't know why it happened, etc.

I've always held on the the hope that what she's been telling me was true and that she really wanted things to be better.

The other nite, she told me that she hasn't done anything. Hasn't talked to the doctor because she's embarassed (ok, I'll buy that one) but hasn't even done any research on the internet which quite frankly is both easy and annonymous.

That hurt, why I don't know for sure which is why I'm hoping I can get some honest advice (which is more than par for the course).

Hey mods, can use correct my hastily typed title? [Little's edit: yes I will!]

[pretzel]

Thanks Mod's

Got tired of writing a long version (i.e, yesterday and the day before)

Glad we're up and running again (are we?)

[Little]

You're welcome. It seems we're up for a while, but we'll have to wait for the technology officer's final word on the subject ...
In response to your thread, of course that would hurt!
Probably because it is something so important to you, and your wife isn't giving it the attention you think the issue deserves. You want her to seek help, not just for your sake but also for hers, and she won't even meet you halfway.

[LanaBear]

I agree with Little... Yeah, it would hurt, definitely hurt.

What was your reaction to her confession about all this?

[pretzel]

I agree with Little... Yeah, it would hurt, definitely hurt.

What was your reaction to her confession about all this?

I've pretty much shut down. I know it's not the best thing or for that matter the right thing. But truth be told, this wasn't an unexpected answer from her. It was more validation of what I've been feeling for a while than anything else.

[SaharaJim]

I can only "generalize" from my own experience. Prior to my wife I was "involved" with a woman who had maried in the Catholic Church and had children. Then he had left, divorced her and remaried. She remarried ( outside the Church) and divorced again prior to meeting me. When we became involved she "said" she would be willing to seek an "annulment" of her first marriage- so that we could marry in the Catholic Church. To make a seven year long foolish story short- she didn't and really never intended to- she lied repeatedly saying that she would. When "confronted" with this she said;" I can't- lets go get married civilly tomarrow". I responded: " Marry you?.....right now I don't even LIKE you". Over permanently in two months.
I think your wife's failure to take ANY action belies her statements that she "wants" things to be "different". In fairness, if you "feel" no desire......how "motivated" to fix that would you be? Would it be a "real priority?But I think I would be more than just "hurt'...i would feel "betrayed" that i sat patiently waiting - while she did nothing. I am so sorry my friend.

[Ashlee T.]

I think your feelings are totally justified. I dunno, the "I'm to embarassed to talk to my doctor" thing always rubs me the wrong way. I mean, as a woman, we've bared our vaginal souls (if vagina's have souls ) to our gyn so many times. They've seen it all, they've touched it all, etc. I had no issue discussing my lack of libido (during hormonal bc) with my doctor. Is it an uncomfortable topic? Sure. Did I blush 5 shades of red? Probably. But any more uncomfortable than the other things I've had done in his presence? No! The worst part was having to go to the pharmacy to get the prescription filled he gave me for a cream that has to be put in places I don't prefer to discuss with a pharmacist....nor do I appreciate having him tell me how to apply it. hehe. But the point is, "too embarrassed to talk to doctor" is just not a very good excuse in my book.

I know that leaving a marriage with someone you love because of sex would make you feel shallow. But it's not just about the sex...it's about the intimacy, the passion, the eagerness to see her partner satisfied, etc. She has simply got to be willing to do SOMETHING here, or else it becomes an issue of questioning her true feelings for you.

[pretzel]

Thanks,

To answer SJ's question about prioritizing, yeah, if the situation were reversed it would be a no brainer for me which makes it harder to swallow.

BD, I would be ok with her uncomfortableness in talking to her doctor. I know her hormones are out of whack despite what the last blood tests showed. I know what that do to a woman's libido and I've tried to let her know that. I've always told her I'd be patient and would go at her pace which makes this just that much harder.

And to answer both your concerns, yeah this is causing me to take my blinders off. It's not so much a feeling of betrayal (although it most certainly is) it's the feeling that I've been taken for granted all these years and was just being told things I wanted to her from her, not an honest answer.

[WildChild]

I can relate to this. In my last marriage, I dealt with this. Prior to marrying sex seemed OK, but we didn't have tons of opportunity, my kids were little and he had his kiddo on weekends. After we were married, unless I initiated, there just wasn't any. When I talked to him about it, he informed me that he never thought about sex - ever, never masturbated, had no reaction to photos or porn or whatever. He told me I had to "remind" him about it. He was not concerned with this situation.

I was shocked. I couldn't understand why this man would marry me, if he didn't want sex. I'm all about connection and for me sex is a huge part of that. It's like getting an artist under exclusive contract and telling them you just want them to occasionally roll paint on your walls and only if they can prove to you that the walls really need it. He too saw nothing unusual in his complete lack of interest. In his case it was a serious health issue coupled with years of no other gender interaction.

Physically and emotionally healthy people have a desire for sex. We can blather on about all the reasons people marry and/or commit to a relationship with just one person but flat out for most, having legally (and in many cases religiously) sanctified sex with what we think is a good partner, is a primary reason. Otherwise you just have a roommate who has legal access to your personal business and whose debts and problems you are obligated to share in.

Of course this hurts, on many levels. It's a complete disregard for your feelings and needs. It essentially puts you in the position of either violating your marriage vows of sexual exclusivity or accepting involuntary celibacy. This is a control drama of major proportions. I've dealt with it several times. It's not one gender or the other, there just seem to be people who, married or not, have to be in control. It can be very passive aggressive and take the form of complete disinterest or even anxiety related to sexual activity but its all control drama. If the partner doesn't want sex, then they push for it and get very resentful, even aggressive. If their partners does want sex, then they withhold it, sometimes in seemingly indirect ways but they withhold none the less.

Think about it. If you really care for someone and are committed to a relationship with them, you will find ways to promote their happiness and your happiness being with them. In a balanced relationship both have their own interests and support each others areas of strength while encouraging growth in areas of weakness but there are also areas of shared interest and activity. In a good relationship you occasionally break out of your box to explore with your partner or to support their healthy needs. Even if your sex drives aren't quite equal you should find balance. The one with a higher drive will accept less sex than they really want and have some other outlets such as masturbation when their partner isn't available. The one with a lower drive can offer various options such as oral or hand sex or even phone sex support their partner and stay connected to their arousal. But to simply decide that your partner will have to be celibate is abusive. That is equivalent to deciding they aren't allowed to have any sunlight anymore because you don't care for the brightness.

It's one thing if your partner has gotten into some sort of kink that you really find repellent or unhealthy and they are unwilling to compromise. If you want intercourse by candle light with rose petals strewn on satin sheets and they only want oral sex and it has to be with you tied up, hanging upside down, having first been flogged, yes, you have a right to refuse to fill that roll. It's time to start dividing assets and let each of you find someone with compatible tastes or agree that you will have an open relationship.

But still, healthy people have an interest in sex. If for no other reason, she should be concerned that this reflects a problem either physically or emotionally. If she is choosing to be celibate then she needs to allow you the option of filling your needs elsewhere. She does not have the "right" to force you into celibacy.

[pretzel]

WC, you hit the nail on the head,

Control. Absolute and unfettered control.

Worst part is I should have known better.