[chellea]

Hi
I am a very jealous individual with alot of attachment issues. I am able to deal with these issues and my partner knows about them. However he hides masturbation from me and when i find some evidence i cant help but blow my top. We used to have sex alot and now he works late at night (isnt cheating is actually working) so it is difficult however i always try to make time so that he stays interested. However recently i have noticed that on my planned day to do something nice and have sex i find out that he has masturbated. This upsets me as he will then not be too bothered about sex as his needs are satisfied, therefore not giving me the attention that i would like. How do i deal with him masturbating and how can i make him be more interested and wait a few more hours?

[stressed]

He will only stop if:

- Understands that masturbation affects sex.
- Accepts that masturbation affects sex.
- Prefers sex over masturbation.
- Cares about your pleasure as much as he cares about his own.

He won't change unless these points are solved.

[lizzardb63]

I agree, but maybe he wasn't completely aware that you had sex "planned"?

[stressed]

That's a very interesting thought.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i have noticed that on my planned day to do something nice and have sex i find out that he has masturbated.

I'm thinking the opposite.. That perhaps the planned day is the same day, every week, expected and therefore, there is no real intimacy in that, it's a chore, it's sex, takes time and it's planned..

If you want him to stop, start waking him up just before he has to get up sometimes, as an example - un-plan it and once a week if that is what you are suggesting and planned, doesn't add any excitment or desire, it makes it a chore..just like feeding the cat at the same time everyday, a chore...

[Guest]

CW & Stressed....Nailed this one...

He's only going to change when HE realizes that his masturbation is impacting his intimate relationship with you AND he desires the latter over the former.

Stop making it appear to be a chore...

There is so much more you can do - IMO - and from the man's perspective.

I've never been much of a masturbator, so frankly, I don't get it...especially when there is a woman who desires me.

Flirt, tease, get him going (hot and bothered) while he's at work.

[jns]

Not having fun at planned sex is like not having fun because the day at the beach was planned. Yes, the general activity was planned, but not the specifics. Of course any planning should involve any who are supposed to be attending. Did he know about the agenda?

[rosekitten]

Not having fun at planned sex is like not having fun because the day at the beach was planned. Yes, the general activity was planned, but not the specifics. Of course any planning should involve any who are supposed to be attending. Did he know about the agenda?

I disagree. If I'm told "hey, we're going to have sex at 7pm, be ready" it's not exactly meaningful, or fun, but a chore. Would you have as much fun at the beach if every minute/hour was planned? "At 8 we leave, at 8:23 we arrive. At 9:17, bathroom break. 9:26 we can swim. Be done at 10:45, though, 'cause then we're going to..." Sex shouldn't be "planned" or a chore, but something that is done when the mood/moment is right.

[jns]

However recently i have noticed that on my planned day to do something nice and have sex i find out that he has masturbated.

I disagree. If I'm told "hey, we're going to have sex at 7pm, be ready" it's not exactly meaningful, or fun, but a chore. Would you have as much fun at the beach if every minute/hour was planned? "At 8 we leave, at 8:23 we arrive. At 9:17, bathroom break. 9:26 we can swim. Be done at 10:45, though, 'cause then we're going to..." Sex shouldn't be "planned" or a chore, but something that is done when the mood/moment is right.

I'm not sure how you got 7pm as a time. The original post described it as sometime during the day.

Sex is often done around a certain time. People come home, prepare and eat dinner and then there is several hours until sleep time. Sex usually happens during that time. Of course one can wake the other out of a dead sleep and want sex. It is better if there is nothing that needs to be done, such as blowing off a college class to have sex. Even better is to be people of leisure, neither at school nor working. Then anytime will do (works great for vacations). If you need a mood, do what is necessary to get yourself in the mood for the time things will happen. Like looking at pictures of your SO at work and anticipating what is to happen. Everyone should know enough about themselves to know what it takes and not rely just on the generosity of others. If the partner knew of the planning, he deliberately sabotaged it by masturbating.

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think planning a time slot for sex would ruin the act. Its not like you are saying at 710 you will rub my clit and then I will moan 714 and then you bend me over at 716. I mean men order hookers to show up and x and x time and ... I'm pretty sure they have a good time being that they pay for it and all. But if he has a feeling your expecting sex, and decides to masturbate instead -- yeah, thats pretty selfish.

I agree with CW, shake it up, wake him up with some attention, wear some sexy panties and show him in the middle of his favorite show or video game.. keep it fun and light and don't always expect sex to come from your playfulness that way its still a surpise. If he knows EVERY time you rub his leg it will end up with you wanting him... etc.. shake it up tease him and then don't deliver. Make HIM want it. Men are hunters (yep it freaking sucks.) and just because they are in a relationship doesn't mean they don't still desire the thrill of the chase from time to time. Not saying you have to play games, but to incorperate some into your sex life just to add some mystery and spice.

Talk to him about saving up his energy for you. Tell him how good you'll make it for him if he waits... share with him things he can do to pleasure you that don't involve his penis-- its okay to take turns being a little 'selfish'. Don't accuse, don't be angry, don't tell him he can't enjoy his own body when he wants... just let him know you want to share in his body with him more times than not.