[Hopeless Dork]

What you describe doesn't sound like a problem with your relationship, but with yourself. So ending this relationship won't really fix it, as this pattern is very likely to repeat in other relationships as well.

Is what you are asking for unreasonable? In my opinion: yes and no. Its not unreasonable to want to be cherished and loved and treated higher than others in the one you loves life. It is unreasonable to assume you are being treated less than highest when he makes the choice to spend time with family or hobbies.

You sound a bit clingy. And I don't say that like its a bad thing. I'm clingy and I know it. But knowing it and owning it and working on fixing that behavior is whats keeping my boyfriend sane lol. I am not clingy in the physical sense, I give him space to be with friends family, I give him time with his hobbies, interests etc... but I am clingy in the emotional sense, I expect him to say and do and treat me a certain way and any slight deviation from it will send me off on a tizzy.

Its important to tell the one we love when something bothers us... but I think ever since I've inducted a 24 hour rule on that, our arguments have been reduced to nothing. If he says or does something that upsets me. I sit on it for 24 hours before deciding to bring it up... usually after just a few, I've moved on and its a no harm no foul. In the past I would heat up at every little thing then the next day feel terrible because of how badly i overreated ( i am very sensitive and emotional).

My bf has to walk on eggshells with me occasionally because of my hairtrigger on being hurt, and like you... I feel terrible about it. But I've found my 24 hour rule (to myself) has helped him to loosen up because he no longer fears saying the wrong thing and sending me to tears.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way... but this sounds way more like a YOU problem than a relationship issue. If you love this man, if you think he's the one for you... its worth some self-reflection, realizing that you WANT him to love his family and spend time with them, you WANT him to have hobbies outside of you or else you will have an unhappy man on your hands... and theres no joy in that... which is what I think you are experiencing now.

Relationships are beautiful when BOTH people can be themselves , yet respect their partners feelings, compromise, meet in the middle. I understand your silent hate statement, i use to do that as well. I'd hold on to things he said or did that upset me and wallow in them... but then I had to look at myself and realize if he held me to the same standard... got mad at me as often as I did him over as little of things as I did that I'd be miserable -- and I don't want to do that to him.

[Velto_Vixen]

Thank you for being honest, so what do you think i need to work on in dot form....
is it just that i should share love?

[Velto_Vixen]

I'm very sensitive too HD- i actually do a similar thing. To prevent from nagging him i don't say a thing. I think it through and think and think waiting for it to go away. If it doesn't after say a week, i know it's something important. Then i just say "you did this, it made me feel like this" instead of "you suck, you're an idiot for doing this, don't do it again"
i know how to solve problems like that.
I know there's something wrong with me. but i know i'm also un-clingy. I don't really desire his attention 24/7. infact, he texts me about 4 times more than i text him and etc...he always wants to see me all the time. I personally like my own space. I just DO feel that if he chooses someone else over me that it is me being treated less than the number one person.
When he visits his family "because" i'm less upset than now when they are in need. I think because he reacts MORE when they are in need, than when i am. And so i see a contrast that they are more important.
Isn't when you marry someone in the vows it says you leave your parents and you are each other's number one, in so many words??? I don't believe i'm being TOO unreasonable. I mean we have other problems other than this.

That's the thing...because of our problems i do not believe he is the one at all. I do not even know if i love him anymore... We had good times but now i'm just kind of over everything.

No i always encourage him to meet up with his friends and family and stuff. I wasn't even upset when he met up with his childhood sweet heart just a few weeks ago. It's literally the fact that i know he puts his family before me...and i don't like it...
i do try to hide that i'm offended sometimes and i'm trying to encourage him to offend me too so he wont be so upset that he hurt me.
ie= i'll ask if he liked my work, and he'll pitter patt around and slowly reveal that he didn't....then i'll shoot him a beaming smile, peck him on the lips and say "thanks for being honest! I hate it too!" still smiling, because i'm truly happy that he was able to be honest with me...and that we both agree that it sucked. :P

Look, i do know i have some fault, but i am having difficulty seeing how i am wrong about the fact that i should be his number one. I clearly see an intense favoring of his family over me and i don't like it. Is that something i am over reacting on? I know i have to work on growing thick skin, but this i cannot see how i am wrong. Please explain how?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

jns- is what i'm asking for unrealistic in your opinion? I am a poor student i can't really afford counselling…though my school offers it for free, i'd rather people with real problems get the help instead of me using it up though.

Chandlers Wish- he cannot mend broken bones, broken families or mental illness….all he is doing is supporting them i guess. I don't mind that he goes on weekends to see them, really. I don't even care if i don't see him for a fortnight. Every chance i get i move back home. In the mid break i saw him just 4 times in a month. I do not feel i need all his time, and i'm cool with him visiting them, i just don't care to be a part of that…

Honey, did you come here for support? I hope so.. And, so you two are alike, like I said he feels close to his family so even if it is for support that's okay... It could also be because he's walking on egg shells even though you don't mean it, and so, it's a place to escape..

I do believe that you can love one person more than anyone else. You have to have a favourite. I've always had favourites. I can organise my loved ones in order. I have preference.

I know we have favourites but that's friends, cousins, you can not view family (blood) to a relationship, somewhere along the line it has to be equal or a happy medium..Family is family.

I know its good that he tries to help.

My mother is like me, she never lets my dad see his family…he is jealous over his love he has for them and he never ever shows her love….ever. (he wouldn't even kiss her on their wedding day). They have always wanted a divorce but wont because of their beliefs.

Then it's possible you are just like your Mum, other way around what you grew up with, what you saw, what you "think" works. We take things from our family and bring them into our life..But this guy does kiss you, he does say he loves you, he does want to marry you, he would kiss you at your wedding, sounds like a fear of loss, a fear of being un-loved what happens if your marriage is like your Mothers, and so you are guarding your heart by trying to get him to do what she had your Father do, at least you will be together right, all be it that you won't be happy at all, either of you... Set the past free they are themselves ,you are a different person

I don't want to control him not to see them, i just wish he showed the same intensive emotions with me. He laughs harder at their jokes and cries easier if some little thing goes wrong with them, then if something horrible is happening in my life.
Maybe he too seeks their approval, love and so hams it up...Or maybe he feels you are safe, loved by him but they need the support

I don't want to go with him. I have social anxiety, i get physically ill around his family. It stresses me out that they judge me because i am not religious.

As long as you accept yourself for who you are, and he accepts you for who you are, it's time to realise that other people don't matter


I can't help that i'm so sensitive…I take everything to heart. Maybe i fish for reasons why he doesn't love me. I don't think i do it for mean reasons…i don't want to make him miserable, but if i see a negative feeling towards me it makes me want to give up because if it's an issue now, 10 years on we will hate each other.

I suspect this is because your parents weren't able to show true love themselves and you were the middle child, so they tend to unfortunately and not deliberately get discluded somewhat, hand me downs etc. Name 5 things that are positive about you, and 5 about him

Lastly, so you study and work, to pay the rent he is gone for days, sometimes...So he doesn't work..

How do you feel about that if that is the case?

[BabyGirl]

Welcome to WH Velto.

Wow.. Alot here to address,

First your BF.

It seems that he is a loving man, one who has values and stands by those who he loves. Not once did I see you post anything truly Negative about him, no Verbal Abuse, no Physical abuse. even when you asked if he liked something you did, he hesitated to give any negative feedback, you had t drag it out of him that he didn't really like it.

That shows he is sensitive and caring and not an outspoken, don't think before he speaks type person. It shows caution and the hesitation to hurt someones feeling or cause strife to them .

In one post you mentioned his and or Families Religion .

I don't want to go with him. I have social anxiety, i get physically ill around his family. It stresses me out that they judge me because i am not religious.

And in Another post

. We are incredibly suited for each other perfectly in every other way. Religiously , life goals , family plans , etc....

I am wondering what you mean here ?

You don't have to be Religious, you can be Spiritual, Many mixed Faiths still can Marry and Blend. It is just respecting others beliefs, even if they do not match yours. But you mention Extremely suited, including " Religion", so that is Confusing to say the least.

You mention Social Anxiety, yet you say you work to earn rent and you study , I'm assuming in a class or School ? So you must be able to be in public at least somewhat, not the " Hermit " you would prefer to be.

BF. seems to be the opposite, he has no fears of being with his family, you and others. It sounds like he was raised in a Happy Home, lots of People, lots of Laughter, lots of Trauma or Drama, ( Broken Bones and Broken Hearts.)

He is willing to jump in and be the " White Knight " to those who really need him.

Now to You.

Raised in a not so loving home as a middle child can be difficult.
You mention .

"My mother is like me, she never lets my dad see his family ".

I think it's the other way around, You are turning to be like your mother .. Afraid of Sharing any True Family love, Not Person to Person Love, but having the Heart and Soul, that allows ones to open their arms to Many others.

Possibly, because you have never had that " Family Warm Fuzzies" like he has, you are afraid of Rejection afraid of being " Ignored " Not Number One.

Afraid of opening your heart and including more than one " Prince " in.

What if you had a Son ? Must he Adore you and only You ? Could he not Love and Care for Siblings and other Family and someday a Significant Other ?

In other posts, you claim to like being alone, a " Hermit " .

It is true, since i was young i wanted to be a hermit- BUT i secretly desired a prince charming.

and

i think i want to be alone...literally....just me, and my house. No one.

Then you add

I don't desire human company...i just want to be truly loved by someone, the object of their desire...cherished...adored....doesn't everyone?

Honey, those are what we call Oxy Morons, not meaning you are a Moron, but meaning you are absolutely contradicting yourself at every turn .

You Do not Desire Human Company ?

Get a Dog or Cat, bird, anything that when you walk in that door is soooo Excited to she you as you are their Only Human Contact. They Jump for Joy, want to Cuddle, need only you to Survive, to feed them and care for them, Or they will Die Without you !

Want to be Loved, Desired, Cherished, Adored ?
See Above. You will have them in your Pets.

Or you can learn to love yourself, realize you aren't the only Princess on Earth, Share yourself and the overpowering love you have bottled inside, just waiting to be set free .

Finally,
You mention, Love, Boredom, losing Virginity, being Perfect for each other in every way, ( other than Sex ) since it was fun for awhile, not seeing each other for a Fortnight, and You being ok with it, but also about moving on and you know he will Never Leave You. because he Loves you and wants to Marry you. And so On.

Honey,

Unless you can feel Free, Free from that self Imposed Cage of Belief of What Must be Your life, how it should be, without Compromise and Sharing and Caring about the Outcome of your Life, His Life and all of your Families ( his and Yours) and Potential One that are both of Yours.

I would let him Go, let him find the one that He can Love and Adore and Cherish, The one that he will know will stand by His Side and Support those whom he Loves, and they will do the same for him, when He and His New ( maybe you & kids ) Family, Need that Love and Support.

And I would take that Free Counseling from School. Because there, they do Care, so much for others, and You will be Number One in the attention of the Sessions. and then sweetie, They will go on to the next one that needs Love and Support. And The Next one.

[Velto_Vixen]

C_W - i came here for answers, and clarity. I'm confused! I don't believe he is "escaping" me though.
Actually today we were talking about something completely different and he agreed wives come before family.
I don't think it's as if i'm scared, but it must be pretty deep burried down… But it does make a lot of sense. I think it's more of a "why bother" if i know it wont work out-to continue it. Also marriage to me is a HUUUGE commitment- actually i see it as a life sentence. So, if i marry someone it's forever…and it scares me if i see one little problem, that it could mean a divorce, and i'd rather run away than get divorced. That's what i mainly think.
I know we're not my parents but the similarities are astounding! Of all my siblings my bf is exactly like my dad (quiet nice guy) and i'm exactly like my mother (dominating- ONLY to him), my siblings relationships all have a very different dynamic. But they all agreed that our upbringing um, messed them up a bit in that department.
No, i do think he finds his family funnier, and cares more about them genuinely- i think he has a soft spot for them that he differently than with me, i do know he finds me endearing and really loves me, but there's something more intense that he has with his family…like they are an extension of himself or something.
We were talking today and he said that he wishes he could make me feel beautiful enough. I really want to be the best for him. The best at appearance, the best at everything. The funniest….the most loving…the most caring…the best cook…etc. I want to be the best thing ever. And it's hard when his family beats me at this. I'm not really a perfectionist…but this bothers me.
I disagree, i think what family thinks is important if family is important to the person concerned. My sister wouldn't date a guy because i didn't approve- though i never thought she would care what i thought.
I've made the list. Not sure what that is supposed to have me see?
I study full time while he works full time but i get ohm slightly earlier so i am responsible for dinner. Weekends i work, at my parents and do my homework…thus we never have decent QUALITY time and i never catch a break to relax.


BabyGirl-
Thank you for the welcome. You're on the nail, he is a very sensitive caring person- i would say TOO much so. HE and I are both wishy washy with religion but for the most part DON'T believe, his family are the ones whom are religious. I used to be very religious too.

I go to Tafe, but i have no friends, i'm socially awkward. The anxiety i had is only recent, i had violent whole body shakes for half an hour the night before school started and the week i was expecting his mother to visit. I also felt nauseated every night for the first few weeks back at school. I think everyone lies and aren't genuine so if someone is nice to me i think they have a motive. And i don't want friends, i recently had people start to talk to me for the first time all year and i was afraid they would ask me to hang out with them because i don't want to. Working however doesn't bother me at all. I think it's because i work with people younger than i and i know they don't desire to be my friend, and the rest are strangers whom i don't care what they think of me and i know wont become my friend.

Actually you are wrong. My boyfriend also has social anxiety, for longer than i have but is effected in a different way (really nervous!). He was terrified of my loud family at first as his are very well mannered and quiet and proper. He does feel that he has to fix problems- he takes on the responsibility. And it can make him feel overwhelmed too.

I agree, yes, when i realised i'm like my mother- after sticking up for my father so many years and thinking she was crazy, i am very very ashamed. I know it's not right how i feel and i want to change it but i don't know how one can turn their emotions?
I don't want children. If i did have a kid i would want to be their world- but so long as i had my husband of whom i was their world, i could let them go and get married and dedicate themselves to their spouse.

If i know one thing it IS that i am a walking contradiction (which evidently my bf just told me today!!!). I've had moments of family warm fuzzes but i mostly feel detached from them because they don't seem to care. They probably do. My sister and I were really close but she was friends with the guy who abused me after she knew and i stopped loving her that day and built a wall up. We still have good times but she was no longer my other pea in the pod.

I'm an introvert. The test i took said only 2% of humans are MORE introverted than me. So this means i need a lot of recharge time by myself. So i don't CRAVE human company. At the same time i have a void in which is filled by me thinking someone loves me??? I think…how to explain. Just because i need to recharge a LOT doesn't mean i can't handle one person. Groups i don't like…but one person is like an extension of myself. I can hang out with someone for multiple hours, so long as the company is good, and not need time to myself. Now, it would be preferable that this person loved me because I need to be cherished and adored ( just like any woman, right?). I just want to feel like i'm someones everything. Which he did REALLY well when we were new, and only really falters when his family comes into the picture.

Well, then! That's pretty scary considering I'm a huge animal freak! I have this bird whom i loved, but hit puberty and decided that my mother was her mate and i was her enemy. She has a hate love relationship with me now. I do so very much love how much animals don't get sick of me (except birds). I find it endearing and safe. I think that's true what you wrote. I should have a pet to fill those desires but i really don't want ANOTHER pet right now …i have enough. I could rekindle a love for my pets…though they all live with my parents.

I'm really confused with this whole statement of "sharing love" and "loving his family". Isn't it strange to love someone elses family? They are not yours…

I do not have a high esteem of myself. I knew this getting into the relationship. I told him it's probably best not to start something because i have things i need to sort. Then i realised it would probably take a few decades to sort them and decided to grow with him/and or his help.

The last statements you said confused me a bit…You're basically saying, take counselling and that i should break up with him unless i'm able to support his family and be free of my idea of how life should be perfect?

[Claret]

In answer to your initial question -- "When do you end a relationship?" -- it's very simple. You end the relationship when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying. When you've exhausted all vestiges of your emotional self you need to work only on yourself and not the other person. If you can unequivocably state that you'd be better off (financially, emotionally, physically) without that person -- then you leave. You can still love that person, but you don't have to be a slave to that love.

Ask yourself, what is it that you really want. Do you want the life you have now, with the person you are now or do you want something different, better, or more stable?

[Velto_Vixen]

I always believed in that too, giving all you got. But at the same time i believe one should also be fair. I think something is hindering my ability to love him like i used to, but i do care for him and i don't want to hurt him...so i'm letting him know that I'm not confident of a future with him, but that I'm not going anywhere. Yet. Which i do not believe is mean, i don't KNOW we will or wont break up, i just think we will.
I don't think I'll be happier without him, but less stressed, yes.

[BabyGirl]

Velto..

Already I see you are reading and thinking, delving deeper and being outside the " Box" so to speak. Sometimes that is all it takes, to actually write down what you are feeling and put it out for Advise or hear about or from others that have had or are going thru similar.

To get started on solving your problem.

The last statements you said confused me a bit…You're basically saying, take counselling and that i should break up with him unless i'm able to support his family and be free of my idea of how life should be perfect?

I can see where you are confused. My thoughts may have been out of order . That happens with me after work sometimes .. lol
I
n Letting him Go, I was meaning, that if you cannot seem to find a way to not be "jealous" yes Jealous and Possessive, ( in your heart and the feelings of Not seeming to be # 1 in his life , Not necessarily out loud or spoken but your deep down feelings ). Then you will not ever be happy with him and eventually he will not be happy with you .

In Supporting his Family, it means to Support his love and closeness, even if you cannot feel that way about them. It shows him, that you love him and want him happy. And he should do the same with you .

In Counseling, that was about having counseling at school. A Free service that you can take advantage of. That will not be repeated to anyone ( if good Counselors) but realize that when you are under stress, your school work suffers, your mind is not 100% on the curriculum at hand.

This meaning, if your grades aren't up to your potential, you can always talk with a counselor, you don't have to spill your whole life out, but you can fill in blanks to questions they may ask. Like where is your mind at during studies or a test, is it fully on ( Fill in Blank). Are you sleeping and eating well. What do you do to relax, to get into studying, Things like that.


The part here

be free of my idea of how life should be perfect?

That worries me, even though I don't know you. I don't know what you think is a " Perfect Life" , but Honey there is NO SUCH THING!!

Just like there is No Perfect Person, No Perfect Marriage and No True, Prince Charming and Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast that all end up Perfectly Happy Ever After.

Sweets, Your life has not been Perfect from the Day you were Born, not will it be Perfect the Day you Die ! And In between is what you make it and How you Make it is Important.

Your Love for animals shows, even the one Bird whom you love, but hates you, or I would say Nested with your Mom as the " Parent or Mate " is one that at least you sound like you are still trying to have a relationship with. So that is a Plus. It shows you can and do try.

And by being here you are trying. That is what we WH's are here for. And please forgive me if sometimes I seem Harsh or Opinionated. I am only 56 years old. Someday I may make it to " Old Fogey Byatcy Lady " lol.

But Until then....
I will do as My Gram taught. Be there for others when possible, if not possible, Be there in Spirit. Only call for help when desperately needed, there are enough Spirits to kick someones butts down the right path.

[Mes T]

Hi VV. I can see where your need to be someone's number one may have stemmed from, but I think it's becoming a very destructive part of your personality. I second other posters' suggestions and think you would benefit from seeing a counselor. Once you graduate university, you won't get the chance to see one without paying big bucks, so please take advantage of the opportunity you have. I don't think there's any excuse not to. You mentioned one reason you don't want to go is because you don't want to take someone else's spot. I don't think that's a valid reason - there are enough counselors at universities for those who seek them.

Have you considered that maybe you ARE your boyfriend's number one, but that your insecurities are warping the situation? Seems like his family is in some serious trouble at the moment. I bet if YOU were in similar trouble or worse, he would stick by YOU on the weekends.

My other suggestion, and I know this isn't as positive, is that maybe your boyfriend has lost some feelings for you, just as you've lost feelings for him?

Okay but bottom line, and going back to your original post, being unhappy every single day (as you mentioned in your earlier post) is definitely a reason to leave the relationship! Yes the problem is most likely on your side, not on your boyfriend's, but it seems you aren't getting the healing you need while you're in this relationship.

I had all sort of unhealthy thoughts and emotions when I was with my ex, and I knew they were all MY fault. And when we broke up, I immediately started to mend and become more of the person that I wanted to be. Now in my current relationship, I don't have those issues.

For whatever reason, the chemistry between you and your boyfriend is making you miserable.