[Velto_Vixen]

What constitutes a reason to break up with someone? A lack of excitement? Mellow feelings?


We have a few issues...

1-
I am a 1 person gal. He was my one person, i put him above everyone including myself.
He puts his family above me.

I find that I'm jealous and hurt that I'm not my number ones number one. I don't limit his contact with his family, i keep my illogical feelings to myself. I know i need to work on this. (I'm not jealous about other women, just his family)


2-
I'm really sensitive, which has resulted in him walking on egg shells all of the time which i hate. I keep telling him just to be a jerk so i can get over it, he wont.

3-
We can't have sex anymore. We haven't had sex in 3 months. We do other things though, but about 2% of the frequency we used to (1.78% to be exact, i calculated it).

4
- I'm constantly angry at him, with 1 good day a month, the rest is mediocre or spent with me hating him behind his back over something he said that offended over-sensitive me.

He isn't a spiteful jerk or anything, rather, that is me.

Is there such a thing as a rough patch that has lasts more than the bulk of the entire relationship? I have just felt BLAH about it all since the 4th month...since i stopped being interested in marrying him because...something changed... Then at 9 months in i thought it was because we didn't have sex, so i gave him my virginity. It wasn't that, but it was a nice distraction for a while.

It's not like i'm miserable with him, but i'm incredibly stressed over the morality of being with someone I'm not crazy in love with.

He doesn't seem to try to be romantic anymore so now i've given up too. Living together is killing the buzz, i'm considering moving out...

I don't treat him like the man i used to love. I truly believe that it's something wrong with me so i do try to fix things but then i think i want to be alone...literally....just me, and my house. No one.

He wants to marry me. I did want that too at the start, but not anymore. Something changed...??? I really don't know what...i think the newness wore off. We are incredibly suited for each other perfectly in every other way. Religiously , life goals , family plans , etc....

I'm barely attracted to him most days. Maybe we are just meant to be friends, or roomies...? I care for him...i just feel i've been hurt too much that I'm losing patience... Mind you the "hurt" is irrational. Sex was the last straw. His family problems made it worse because he felt he had to race over there to "fix" things...every weekend he abandons me to be with his family to "fix" them. He constantly doesn't stop thinking or talking about them, and then he's so upset he drowns out life through games. I try to give him hugs but it seems i'm a pawn in his life. I have needs too.

How do i know I'm not just being stupid, and if i break up with him just because i feel mellow, not because he is a jerk, we are quite compatible in every other way, i really wish i loved him the way i did at the start. I was so happy. How do i get that back? Or should i just quit?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you were used to being alone, settled that was going to be the case, along came a guy that adored you, accepted you for who you are, and you fell in lust big time, and saw the picket fence, finally, someone for you..

But, in that, you had your own thoughts, beliefs, and it had to be adored, you... Totally, un-conditionally no one else can be loved only you..I have to ask you why? Ask yourself this question your family, your own up-bringing how was that, why do you need someone whom only sees you...His family I see as a good mix, they love each other, are there for each other, you could be a part of that...If you never had it.

You are a deep thinker, an emotional person just from your writing...

You have closed yourself of, feeling that the love might leave you, be greater somewhere else, why?

[Velto_Vixen]

It is true, since i was young i wanted to be a hermit- BUT i secretly desired a prince charming. I guess i was raised by Hollywood and Disney movies which has given me an unrealistic expectation of my men to be romantic & daring & perfect....etc.

I'm a middle child, always...always ignored. When my bf visits my house the car ride home is always "oh my god i can't believe they totally ignored you the whole time!". Maybe i just want some attention? Though, i do not feel clingy. I've gone a fortnight without seeing him and barely missed him at all. I don't feel the need to contact him every day. So long as i'm busy i don't feel like i need to see him for crazily long periods of time. (once i saw him just 4 times in a month.)

I don't desire human company...i just want to be truely loved by someone, the object of their desire...cherished...adored....doesn't everyone?

I was wondering for a while if such perfect was so easy to achieve perhaps there is better out there, and doubted if he was the one for me. But i do not ever think he will leave me, i am extremely secure in our relationship. That's why i am not jealous about other women at all. He's had girls hit on him and i laugh about it. I even say "oh you coulda kissed her, i wouldn't know :P" I don't mind. Really. But I don't know why his family irks me soo much.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I

don't mind. Really. But I don't know why his family irks me soo much

i just want to be truely loved by someone, the object of their desire...cherished...adored....doesn't everyone?

I'm a middle child, always...always ignored

Re-read what I wrote...

You are searching for un-conditional love, yet he gives it but because he is close to your family like I said you can now embrase, you see it as a lose...When it could be your chance

[Velto_Vixen]

He's close to HIS family, not mine. So how is putting his family before me, truly cherishing me? He isn't giving me what i desire...
My chance for what exactly?

[jns]

It sounds like the two of you should break up as he is not fulfilling your requirements. Have you sought counseling to work on your issues?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He's close to HIS family, not mine. So how is putting his family before me, truly cherishing me? He isn't giving me what i desire...
My chance for what exactly?

Yes, I typed the wrong word, I mean't "His" family...

Velto... He runs to his family because there are problems there, so he is there to try to help resolve them, he is close to his family and yet, he wants to marry you, he "was" close to you too. Do you honestly believe that love belongs only to one person and can not be shared? Ever owned a cat and a dog and loved them equally? Or could you?

He is with you... Lives with you... And two days a week, out of 7, he goes to his family to help them over some obsticle which they are enduring that means he has a good heart does it not?

If you are after a man that idiolizes you to the extent that he, will never leave your side, will forgoe seeing anyone if you don't want them to, will never be close to anyone other than you, you are searching for the impossible in my opinion...

It's natural to share love. It's healthy to share love. Your chance, is to go with him and be within that sharing, instead of being so angry, and want to walk away because he can share love.

His family erk you so much because at this point ,they need him or he feels that they need him and therefore, he is taking away the attention from you, something you didn't get as a child and so desperately need now, to be loved, wholely, without sharing...

Embrase the sharing, what counts is if someone loves you, truly loves you, sounds like he does and so having him walk on eggshells will make him walk as anyone whom has to walk around on eggshells, through fear of the wrath of a person's venom, with words, is being verbally abused, I should know...

Sorry if that sounds harsh but if it is true love you want? Embrase what you have and realise you are finally being loved by a man whom also has a good heart.

[Velto_Vixen]

jns- is what i'm asking for unrealistic in your opinion? I am a poor student i can't really afford counselling…though my school offers it for free, i'd rather people with real problems get the help instead of me using it up though.

Chandlers Wish- he cannot mend broken bones, broken families or mental illness….all he is doing is supporting them i guess. I don't mind that he goes on weekends to see them, really. I don't even care if i don't see him for a fortnight. Every chance i get i move back home. In the mid break i saw him just 4 times in a month. I do not feel i need all his time, and i'm cool with him visiting them, i just don't care to be a part of that…

I do believe that you can love one person more than anyone else. You have to have a favourite. I've always had favourites. I can organise my loved ones in order. I have preference.

I know its good that he tries to help.

My mother is like me, she never lets my dad see his family…he is jealous over his love he has for them and he never ever shows her love….ever. (he wouldn't even kiss her on their wedding day). They have always wanted a divorce but wont because of their beliefs.

I don't want to control him not to see them, i just wish he showed the same intensive emotions with me. He laughs harder at their jokes and cries easier if some little thing goes wrong with them, then if something horrible is happening in my life.

I don't want to go with him. I have social anxiety, i get physically ill around his family. It stresses me out that they judge me because i am not religious.

I can't help that i'm so sensitive…I take everything to heart. Maybe i fish for reasons why he doesn't love me. I don't think i do it for mean reasons…i don't want to make him miserable, but if i see a negative feeling towards me it makes me want to give up because if it's an issue now, 10 years on we will hate each other.

[Velto_Vixen]

btw, i study full time so i only see him 3 hours a night, which is spent cooking and cleaning for him. And then weekends i work back in my home town so i leave every weekend and CANT go to his family if i wanted because i need to work to pay rent....etc.

they live far so he sleeps over for multiple days at a time. I gave a whole week of my last holidays to spend it there, and it was really hard for me. But i did it for him.

[jns]

VV, I believe you are being unrealistic, but it is not something you can just wake up one day and change. CW filled in a lot of what I was thinking about and put it in an excellent form. Since counseling is offered for free and you are paying for it through your student fees, you should take advantage of it. It could make all of the difference. It may even turn around your relationship.