[pumpkinpieisgood]

I don't really know where to start, and this post is going to be long and weird, so please bear with me.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and we have a strong relationship. However, when I first started dating him, I did something terrible; I flirted with an ex over Facebook. I had no intention of getting back together with this guy. We were just friends. I wasn't even thinking about it when it happened because it was just playful, fun flirting. I didn't mean anything I said. But after a few minutes I stopped myself. I was thinking "Wait...this isn't right. I have a boyfriend and I know he wouldn't be okay with this." So I told him we needed to stop, and as soon as I could meet up with my boyfriend in person, I told him what happened. He was never mad at me for it and forgave me right away.

For the next...I don't know, a really long time, I couldn't get over what I had done. Some people might consider flirting cheating, and others might not. All I know is that I made a mistake. It hit me as hard is it did because I had and still have strong feelings for my boyfriend. We're only in high school, and I didn't think I was going to fall in love with anyone until I was a lot older. I was wrong. If it was any other person, I probably wouldn't have taken it so seriously, but he isn't just anyone. If I could take back what I did, I would.

Recently, I contacted this ex of mine because I needed closure. And I got it. Since then, I haven't brought up the incident with my boyfriend (I used to tell him how much it bothered me all the time). But here's the weird thing, and I think it has to do with my past. I've always been an over-thinker and I get paranoid very easily. For some reason, I'm afraid that I've done another terrible thing, something worse, and I just don't remember it, either because I was drunk or I blocked it from my memory. I don't drink. And if I did cheat on him, wouldn't I remember it and feel even worse than I did about flirting? I mean, if flirting with another guy did this to me, you'd think that something like a kiss or a one-night stand would really tear me up.

I don't think I've done anything. I think I'm just paranoid because I don't want to mess up again. I love this boy to death and he doesn't deserve to get hurt. There have been times where I've actually had to browse through my activity feed on Facebook to reassure myself that everything is okay (it helps me because I can associate things that have happened to me with my statuses, if that makes sense).

I know this whole thing is bizarre, and it sounds ridiculous, but I don't know what to do. Why am I such a paranoid person? Why am I paranoid about this when my boyfriend was never upset with me in the first place? What can I do to make myself feel better and stop over-thinking everything? I don't think it's normal to feel afraid or guilty over something that hasn't and never will happen. Please help me.

[Brandywine]

I do not know the answer to why you are paranoid about making a mistake. I have learned that life is so much more stressful if you are constantly worrying about messing something up. Don't make a mistake because you are afraid to make a mistake. By this I mean, take that energy you are spending worrying about what you could screw up and put it toward your relationship with your boyfriend, who sounds like a very understanding person who really cares about you. Don't let your fears keep you from having a healthy relationship with him. Live in the here and now, and stop fretting about things that haven't happened. I think it is normal to think about the consequences of your actions before you commit them, it's actually smart. However, letting the consequences consume your life when the action hasn't happened can only bring you more stress and anxiety. Your boyfriend forgave you, so move on and be happy together.

[pumpkinpieisgood]

Thank you; it really means a lot. (: I wasn't sure if anyone was going to reply to this because of how odd it sounds.

[Stillness]

For some reason, I'm afraid that I've done another terrible thing, something worse, and I just don't remember it, either because I was drunk or I blocked it from my memory. I don't drink...There have been times where I've actually had to browse through my activity feed on Facebook to reassure myself that everything is okay (it helps me because I can associate things that have happened to me with my statuses, if that makes sense)...Why am I such a paranoid person? Why am I paranoid about this when my boyfriend was never upset with me in the first place? What can I do to make myself feel better and stop over-thinking everything? I don't think it's normal to feel afraid or guilty over something that hasn't and never will happen. Please help me.

It sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not saying you have it, but continuing to check whether or not you've done something when you know you haven't and couldn't have is classic OCD. We all do it to some extent, but the extent you're describing sounds extreme. I heard an captivating program on NPR about this a while back and how people control and harness this. The guy being interviewed couldn't stop going through one particular end-of-the-world scenario in his mind.

Google: "When Obsessive-Compulsive Thoughts Are 'Triggered' NPR". You can click a link to listen to the entire interview or read highlights. Here's some:

"I think everyone experiences these kind of things. Your mind will just sort of settle on something really distressing and upsetting, and ... most people are able to shake it off. Unfortunately, with obsessive-compulsive disorder, the thoughts take on kind of a life of [their] own, and you begin to wonder: 'What do these mean? How can I make them go away?' "

He discusses how he gradually learned to cope with what some call the "doubting disorder."

Also, pumpkin pie is good. It reminds me of my favorite dessert, sweet potato pie. I wish that I had either one in front of me right now with a cold glass of milk.

[Bug_Lady]

This almost sounds like hypervigilance to me. I began having paranoid thoughts after leaving an abusive relationship - totally different ones of course (thought there was somebody waiting for me in my car, couldn't walk outside alone after dark etc...) so I went to a therapist. He had me talk aloud to myself. I would constantly check the back seat of my car sure that someone had broken in and was waiting there to strangle me....he told me to force myself not to check the backseat no matter how much it bothered me and to say my fears aloud. When you think these things they don't sound strange...but when you say to yourself aloud "someone has broken into my car specifically to wait for me to strangle me"....it sounds pretty silly.

Try saying these things aloud...."I accidentally cheated on my boyfriend, whom I love, and have blocked it from my memory"...does that sound silly when you say it aloud to yourself? It should, because you obviously do not want to do that. Unless you drink to get blackout drunk on a fairly regular basis and have some kind of dissociation disorder (i.e. multiple personalities), this type of thing isn't logical or reasonable.

I suggest saying these things to yourself (not just in your head) and then logically work through them. Tell yourself "this is not logical because I would never do anything to hurt him". Or "this isn't plausible because I rarely drink and I never get to the point of blacking out" or whatever you have to tell yourself.

Now, whether this gets into the base reasons is iffy. Maybe you are a perfectionist? Are you neurotic (taking on the blame and responsibility of others)? Are you worried that you may have the capability of doing these things? You obviously have a very high opinion of him, do you not feel you deserve him and are maybe sabotaging yourself? There are so many things that could manifest itself this way.

I got so sick and tired of my bf's behavior I said we had to go to counseling. He would flip out randomly, start telling me I was doing things that I wasn't doing and degrading himself - saying how stupid he was and how he was a terrible bf. After a couple sessions our counselor asked him why he was sabotaging himself....obviously I wasn't actually getting as upset as he thought and have never called him these names before. This stuff was purely intrapersonal. He had been so devastatingly hurt by a past gf (of over 5 years) that he didn't think anything else would last. He was certain that I would leave or cheat or something so, to save himself from the "inevitable", he started sabotaging our relationship. Does this sound like something you may be on your way to doing?

[pumpkinpieisgood]

It sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder. I'm not saying you have it, but continuing to check whether or not you've done something when you know you haven't and couldn't have is classic OCD. We all do it to some extent, but the extent you're describing sounds extreme. I heard an captivating program on NPR about this a while back and how people control and harness this. The guy being interviewed couldn't stop going through one particular end-of-the-world scenario in his mind.

Google: "When Obsessive-Compulsive Thoughts Are 'Triggered' NPR". You can click a link to listen to the entire interview or read highlights. Here's some:

"I think everyone experiences these kind of things. Your mind will just sort of settle on something really distressing and upsetting, and ... most people are able to shake it off. Unfortunately, with obsessive-compulsive disorder, the thoughts take on kind of a life of [their] own, and you begin to wonder: 'What do these mean? How can I make them go away?' "

He discusses how he gradually learned to cope with what some call the "doubting disorder."

Also, pumpkin pie is good. It reminds me of my favorite dessert, sweet potato pie. I wish that I had either one in front of me right now with a cold glass of milk.

I'm definitely going to watch the video; I bet it would help. Thank you so much. (:
It's amazing! I wish I had any kind of pie in front of me right now.

[pumpkinpieisgood]

This almost sounds like hypervigilance to me. I began having paranoid thoughts after leaving an abusive relationship - totally different ones of course (thought there was somebody waiting for me in my car, couldn't walk outside alone after dark etc...) so I went to a therapist. He had me talk aloud to myself. I would constantly check the back seat of my car sure that someone had broken in and was waiting there to strangle me....he told me to force myself not to check the backseat no matter how much it bothered me and to say my fears aloud. When you think these things they don't sound strange...but when you say to yourself aloud "someone has broken into my car specifically to wait for me to strangle me"....it sounds pretty silly.

Try saying these things aloud...."I accidentally cheated on my boyfriend, whom I love, and have blocked it from my memory"...does that sound silly when you say it aloud to yourself? It should, because you obviously do not want to do that. Unless you drink to get blackout drunk on a fairly regular basis and have some kind of dissociation disorder (i.e. multiple personalities), this type of thing isn't logical or reasonable.

I suggest saying these things to yourself (not just in your head) and then logically work through them. Tell yourself "this is not logical because I would never do anything to hurt him". Or "this isn't plausible because I rarely drink and I never get to the point of blacking out" or whatever you have to tell yourself.

Now, whether this gets into the base reasons is iffy. Maybe you are a perfectionist? Are you neurotic (taking on the blame and responsibility of others)? Are you worried that you may have the capability of doing these things? You obviously have a very high opinion of him, do you not feel you deserve him and are maybe sabotaging yourself? There are so many things that could manifest itself this way.

I got so sick and tired of my bf's behavior I said we had to go to counseling. He would flip out randomly, start telling me I was doing things that I wasn't doing and degrading himself - saying how stupid he was and how he was a terrible bf. After a couple sessions our counselor asked him why he was sabotaging himself....obviously I wasn't actually getting as upset as he thought and have never called him these names before. This stuff was purely intrapersonal. He had been so devastatingly hurt by a past gf (of over 5 years) that he didn't think anything else would last. He was certain that I would leave or cheat or something so, to save himself from the "inevitable", he started sabotaging our relationship. Does this sound like something you may be on your way to doing?

I'm sorry you were abused. I'm glad you aren't in that relationship anymore.

And you're totally right. I've heard people say that their thoughts sound a lot different when they say them out loud. It does sound silly when I say that.

I'm not really sure what I am, to be honest. I do have some qualities of a perfectionist, but for the most part, they only apply to my relationship. I guess I am a little worried about actually doing it because I have cheated once before. I had feelings for both my best friend and boyfriend at the time, and the best friend knew I was vulnerable, so she used me to figure out what her sexuality was. I broke up with the guy, partly because I didn't think it was fair to him that I cheated (but he was also immature and I couldn't handle it; that doesn't mean I had the right to do that to him, though). I would never do that to my current boyfriend. He means more to me than anyone else ever has. And besides the whole cheating on my ex thing, the fact that I even flirted with another guy while dating my boyfriend isn't really helping.

He's the one who feels like he doesn't deserve me, and I wish he didn't feel that way. He's so sweet and he treats me right; I can't think of any reason why he wouldn't deserve to have a girlfriend who loves him. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's depressed and he just feels really insecure right now. I've been trying to help him feel better, but depression isn't something that just goes away over night. It's been tough on both of us.

Oh! I almost forgot to say this because I was so focused on replying; I wanted to say thank you to you, too. I really do appreciate all the help you guys have been giving me.

[Bug_Lady]

Sometimes just getting your feelings out for a third party (unbiased) is all it takes. Sometimes I just go to our school counselor (thank god counseling is free in college!) and just talk for an hour. After getting everything out to someone who is not directly involved in my situation, I feel much better!

Making mistakes is human. I have never cheated but I've always been the type to have someone on the back-burner, expecting my current relationship to fail. I have had to learn that this doesn't actually allow me to put myself fully into my relationship and essentially dooms it to fail. These things are all learning processes and the important thing is that you LEARN from them! It sounds like you have learned - you know how these things make you feel. You have made the decision to stop them. Now you need to move on. Oddly enough, sometimes that's the hardest part. Please talk this out with a professional...they can give you a whole new perspective and hopefully give you some exercises that may help. Good luck <3