[shoshannah]

Hi all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years. We have a wonderful and loving relationship that seems to get stronger everyday, and we're starting to talk marriage, but it can't be for another year at least. So we're thinking of moving in together.

We're spending the night together nearly half the time now, and sometimes it seems ridiculous to be shelling out rent for a place I don't spend a lot of time in. Sharing a place would certainly help our finances. My only concern is that there are still days when I need some alone time and so does he. I would probably move into his place, which is only one-bedroom, and I do worry a little about personal space. (Even if we picked my place the size is about the same.) But I guess this is something everyone has to deal with at some point.

I'm just wondering what advice others in my situation would give me. Is it just jitters or something more?

Thanks!

[Element]

I've been living with my boyfriend and his son for 3 months now, so my take on this is from very recent experiences. My boyfriend and I share a room and we've had no problems with it. We came into this knowing that most everything would be "ours". Tables that I brought with me, TV, movies, shelves, dishware; it's all "ours". So talking about the set up of the room; if you'll share one big dresser or each have your own, if you guys will need to buy a queen/king bed or use his and dispose of yours. Where who's TV will go; bedroom, living room, basement (I'm not sure if you're dealing with an apartment or house), but discussions are definitely needed so you two will know what you're going to face. Moving is a hassle in itself. So once you get to the place all that you'll want to do is unpack, shower, then sleep.

Time alone is always necessary. We all need time to gather ourselves together, get thoughts in order, breathe. Just because you live together doesn't mean you'll be talking to each other every millisecond you're awake. Sometimes just sitting in the living room and reading a book is nice. Many of times my boyfriend's son will be in the living room watching TV, I'll be on the couch on my laptop and my boyfriend will go into the bedroom, lay down on the bed and read for an hour. Alone time is necessary and needs to be respected.

If you have certain things you want left alone, then just let your man know. If he's honorable he'll respect your privacy. My guy and I just kinda took sides of the room and I have my stuff up and he has his up. I have my shelves with my belongings and he has his shelves up on his side of the room with his things up. We split the dresser, we have tables to store some daily used things. You'll find something that works for you.

I do suggest getting quite a few bookcases. They come in handy like you don't believe. Especially if either of you are avid movie lovers or book-a-holics. Not to mention they're just good to hold and sort belongings.

[jamesmarshalls]

Well I think you should really be together and have some place in your own.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are both leasing? When do the leases run out.

I'd wait until that occured, find a two bedroom so there is study, for one of you to go to when you need "time out"..

Make sure also that you maintain your friendships outside of your relationship, and keep in touch with them.. It's another way of getting out of each other's way.

It is most definately important to define how you both expect to live together, with sharing things and "space" so that you agree on the inset before you go ahead.

Best wishes with it all, let us know how it all goes.

CW

[Chelsen]

Hi shoshannah,

I moved in with my bf after a year and a half of being together. Thankfully, we are very similar when it comes to how we live and he actually pees sitting down so that was a big plus! But my advice to you is, if you love him and you two have a great relationship which it sounds like you do, I would give the go ahead. Moving in together is a big test for any relationship and this way you will see if you two are compatible enough to be married in the future. And as far as marriage goes, give it much more time. My bf and I have been living together 4 years and now been together for almost 5 in a half and we are STILL not engaged. Of course if it was up to me I would be engaged by now, but I feel that ppl should live together for at least a few years before marriage. People change and can drift apart. You start to evaulate things and see each other differently, sometimes in a good way and sometimes bad. But either way, I think you should take the plunge on moving in but wait to be married at least another few years. :-)

[Little]

I agree with CW, definitely look into waiting for both leases to expire and choosing a place with more space. Having the second bedroom, someplace to retire when you are all people-d out, is integral for your relationship.
I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband!) at the same time we started dating seriously - we had been dating casually for many months. Having my own space in the house, having time there to myself, and having it be a neutral space really helped us get through the transition period. When I say neutral, I mean that the space was new to both of us. I was not moving into his apartment; he was not moving into mine. We were moving in together in a new place. Three years later, we are still living together successfully, and not by accident. It takes some work and prior planning, and definitely some respect for each others' space.

[shoshannah]

Thanks to all who posted. To update you, we're going to start looking for a place next week. I like the idea of a two-bedroom place so we have some neutral space, and we figure if we're lucky we can find two bedrooms for no more than we are paying now for our two apartments.

We're both excited about this move since it will give us more time together, and if we do get engaged soon it will let us have more time together as a couple before we start our family.

So how do we do the actual renting? Do we put both our names on the lease? and on the electricity and gas bills? I would very much like to hear how to handle this from people who are living with their boyfriends (or girlfriends). Thanks!

[Little]

Judge Judy said today - when you move in before marriage, have a plan for if it goes sour. One person keeps the apartment, the other moves out.

Buuuuuut ... I say put both your names on the lease. This way, you're protected from an unceremonious ousting (by angry boyfriend or weird landlord, whatever.) Make sure that the landlord understands that both of you are renting, whether you're listed as a roommate who is responsible for rent or not. Also, be prepared for prejudice from landlords because you're not married. Know that it is illegal to discriminate against someone for marital status (at least in the US) when providing housing.
Utilities might not take more than one unmarried person's name. I always just set things up in my name only, since I did the physical act of bill-paying. You may prefer splitting whose name ins on what. Again, protecting yourself.
In the event that things go 100% well, that you end up in marriage, that your marriage lasts long past your lease, doing these things will not have hurt at all. In the event that living together proves too much for you both, you've helped yourself along.

[Element]

Both names on the lease, always.

[Kiwicherry]

Hello,
My boyfriend and I moved in together three months ago. I was very doubtful about these very things, too. Especially about having and needing my alone time. We now have two rooms. We use one as our common bedroom and one as the living-room. My boyfriend always tells me, I can be alone whenever I want. Then he'd just leave the room and doing something on his own, it would be no problem for him. And I know he's true. But I still have problems with doing things alone while knowing he is in the apartment, too. I keep thinking he could be bored or sad... But it gets better everyday.
We put both our names on the lease. And my name on the gas and electricity bills but just because I was the only person who went to register us. The beginning was very stressful. These organizational issues were new to both of us and lead to discussions all the time. But wehn this everything was finished, we noticed that moving in together was the completely right thing to do. It's a real change-over, yes, but a good one.