[Magnetism]

I'm going back to hometown in a couple of weeks. A few years ago, my friend (a guy) threw me a going away party. I told him that I didn't want to drink too much, because I get sick. He ended up putting too much vodka in my drink and sternly told me "no, you have to drink this." I told him "No," but I felt pressured and gave in. I ended up getting sick and throwing up. I also ended up having a hangover on the day where I was supposed to pack my stuff. My male friend never once apologized for pressuring me to do something that I didn't want to do and getting sick. Yes, I know I should have been more assertive and not given into his pressure, but I don't take pleasure in seeing my friend throw up. My male friend then said "That's the whole point of you moving. To get you drunk." Huh?

This guy friend also introduced me and wanted me to date my ex-boyfriend, who was very abusive. Even when this guy friend knew about the abuse, he once made a joke saying how some of the mean things my ex said were funny and how he should ask my ex about what I do that provokes guys to act like jerks towards me. He said he was joking, but that's a weird and insensitive thing to joke about.

I have tried to be nice to this man when I visit my parents' hometown, because he feels that we are good friends. But, I recently wrote him a letter expressing how I felt. I tried my best to polite, but direct. I said I have appreciated our friendship over the years, but would like my boundaries and feelings respected. I told him that I didn't like to be forced into doing something that I didn't want to do. That I want to take care of my health and body. I said that ever since the incident has happened, it makes me question just how healthy of a friend someone can be if they were to do. The friend never responded. I haven't heard from him in 9 months or so. If a friend confronted me on something I did to make them upset, I would at least respond or defend how I felt.

Don't friends watch out for your drinks and make sure that people don't spike it? Isn't spiking your drink against the law? If a 26 year old man (this isn't some 16 year old) is going to force me to drink against my will, what else is he going to do?

What I do know is that this friend came from a very controlling family where his mom was treated badly, and I wouldn't be surprised if he adapted the same tendencies.



Am I being immature or overly sensitive and let it go? Or do you really think I should trust my gut instinct on this one? Ever since I moved to the town where I live now, NOBODY has forced me to drink when I didn't want to. I feel like forced drinking is something that happens in highschool. People my age could care less if you're drinking or not. When I compare this particular friend to the people I know now, it just feels weird.

Maybe the friendship was meant to end. If I were to pretend that everything was okay, I would just keep remembering this man as someone that clearly disrespected my own boundaries and wishes. There's a saying "When people show you who they really are, believe them."

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hun.

True friends stand by you, protect you, do not neglect you.

It is one thing to "suggest" even on-going to have "a" drink so you chill a little and enjoy your going away party it's another to use your authority over someone whom is weaker in that knowing and have them drink to excess.

To then suggest you go out with an abusive person, makes me think he's taking the micky out of you and enjoying it.

I don't call that a friend. And, I suggest given you tried to get some closure on this but haven't, or fear that he may be "controlling" again which is something you definately have to be assertive about that this person really is not a friend and that friendship is long over...

Only those worthy of you should remain in your life.

I have to say though that he did not force you.. I didn't read where you feel he spiked your drink either, rather "suggested strongly" and continued to do so that you drink the whole thing. You had a choice, you have choices.. No one can make you do something.

He will not consider your boundries, he didn't then and he didn't answer you this time, stay away from him and remember the word no... Simply "no thanks" and always walk away.

The only person you have to prove yourself to, is yourself.

[Magnetism]

Chandlers wish-This friend poured a lot of vodka in my drink behind my back when I was doing something else. This was reported my friend Josh, who also was ****ed at this particular male friend (let's call him Vince). I consider that pouring vodka behind someone's back without them knowing spiking.

If someone is under duress or put on the spot where they feel they can't say no, I still consider it a form of force or coercion (especially when the other person doesn't want to do it). Yes, it's true that nobody can physically make you do something (unless the person is pinning you down). But, I think a lot of people find it hard to say no or battle pressure. I think a normal person will understand not to push someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

A part of me was trying to hope that this person made a mistake and perhaps the friendship could grow, but it doesn't look like it. Since my mom and his mom see each other at Indian parties/functions, it's going to be awkward if I have to run into him.

My friend Josh himself had deleted Vince off of his facebook and didn't want to talk to him after that incident. He stated, "Where I come from, no means no." Those are the people that I would like to surround myself with. Who respect and understand the word "no.

[Magnetism]

Btw. I didn't mean to sound defensive .

[jns]

Vince sounds like a mean bully. I would limit interactions with him to the greatest extent possible. If I was you, I would "accidentally" spill any drink he has possible strengthened.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Bully

I think your friend Josh, saw the writing on the wall straight away and the way in which he has handled it, is the right way... No point having people in your lives that aren't there for you.

I'm sorry that "Vince" is not what you thought he would be and I do understand pier pressure or any pressure and off course, wasn't aware he was adding to your drink behind your back

My Grandmother always said, you can count your real friends on your hand in one life time. She is correct.

He needs to grow up and stop showing off and stop feeling he has to control everyone.

Stick to friends like Josh.

[jns]

My Grandmother always said, you can count your real friends on your hand in one life time. She is correct.

Your grandmother was very wise, CW.

[Magnetism]

Thanks for the feedback. To clarify, this incident happened 3 years ago. I'm much more confident and assertive now and thankfully such a situation hasn't happened again. During the past 3 years when I visisted my hometown, this friend seemed "normal" with the occasional off color comments. When I see his face, the incident pops up in my mind and I feel doubtful. Since I have grown so much ever since moving to a new town, I don't think he and I share the same values. There are other ways to have fun than to get someone drunk.

[Hugo-B]

What the others say. Vince needs a good hard kick in the dangly bits.

[rcoreyus]

I think that spiking someone's drink is absolutely not acceptable, and is one of the few things that I would never forgive. Think of the risk he was putting you in - would he have taken responsibility for anything that happened to you when you were too drunk to take care of your self?