[Chris1030]

Hey all,
I've never been on here for advice, so, I hope someone is able to help me.

Okay, here it goes..

I met a guy off the internet 5 months ago. We have been friend's ever since. As I got to know him I started developing feelings for him. I went with my gut instinct and told him how I felt.. He made it clear he wanted to be nothing more but friends.. Although we're more like 'friend's with benefits.'

A couple weeks after that talk we got into a fight about him never coming to hang out with me, and he flipped out on me.

Shortly after us talking, faded.. It must have been about 3-4 weeks we didn't talk. He had texted me just 2 days ago like everything was fine.

He wanted to come over. So I agreed to it. What could it hurt?

After he had came over it was like we were best friend's again. He told me he still had a little crush on me. In his exact words, " I still have a little crush on you, is that bad?" I nodded my head no, and sort of brushed it off thinking it was nothing. Then a little later that night when we had gone somewhere we were just sitting in his car and he kissed me out of the blue... He told me that the reason he kissed me was because he wanted to see if there was anything there, and there was.. then he told me he had some time to think the short time we didn't talk.. think about '"us"..

I looked at him strangely because I never thought he would say that to me.. I was confused. He said he thought that we could work out.. That we could be together.. He said he had feelings for me as a friend but also more than a friend. He said he knows he would never hurt me. I didn't know what to think of it, and still don't.

Once we got back to my house he kissed me a couple more times. Since then we talk but not like I thought we would.. He'll text me and we'll have a 5-10 minute conversation and it'll be over.

I don't know what to make of this.. I had feelings for him. They went away, but then once he planted one on me and told me how he felt they all came back.

I just want to know what you all think of this.. Do you think he's serious about it? Or just mixed up right now because I really don't want to get my feelings way involved in this and get hurt..

Thank you all for any advice you can give me.
-Chris

[Hugo-B]

Can you define 'friends with benefits', were you sleeping with him? I don't ask out of idle curiosity, more so I can try and ascertain the level of physical intimacy you reached with him.

The argument you had where he 'flipped out' probably did you a favor since it gave you a reason not to speak to him for a few weeks, allowing him to be alone with his thoughts. I think he is interested or he wouldn't have made the effort to come back. If you were sleeping with him, and letting him benefit from a friends with benefits NSA type of arrangement, then he may have just come back expecting convenient sex (no offense). You can't blame him for this if he believed you were happy for that kind of arrangement to exist.

If you choose to proceed, then I would do so cautiously. Make him take you out and hold back the 'goods' until he has proved himself to you. Men love chasing girls and (generally, but not always) value those who make us chase them over those who don't. Some men are generally just pretty useless at communicating their feelings and feel it is some kind of weakness to admit their feelings to a woman and are embarrassed to do so.

It sounds like you do like this guy, so it's worth giving it a chance since he has expressed a legitimate interest. In short, proceed with caution, and believe none of what you hear and half of what you see until proved otherwise. If he's serious he'll have no problem taking you out and doing a few 'couply' things.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree, friends with benefits means sex.

Not just kissing.

You need to not be shy and complete this story so we can advise you.

I think also, as well there is some interest.

[jns]

A couple weeks after that talk we got into a fight about him never coming to hang out with me, and he flipped out on me.

..

Since then we talk but not like I thought we would.. He'll text me and we'll have a 5-10 minute conversation and it'll be over.

I agree with bb about taking it slow. My cynical side is telling me that he may be converting you to his preferred style. It sounds like you would prefer long conversations about anything or about nothing at all. He prefers short conversations that are to the point. It sounds like he is getting his way. Are you going to be comfortable with only having these short sound bites from him? Or would it be stifling in the long run. Maybe long conversations with a girl would tarnish his reputation.

How about him hanging out with you? Is that going to change? If he is not hanging out with you, what is he doing with his time? If he doesn't change, are you going to be OK with it? Guys generally don't change. If they do change, they have to see a distinct benefit in changing. Again, maybe hanging out with a girl would tarnish his reputation.

Maybe it is just me being cynical, but I don't see a lot of improvement in him. He just upped the ante when he found out you were still interested. He said he had a crush on you (not loved you although that would have been premature or desperate) that made you think he was interested. He may well be, but he nay be interested in a different relationship than you are.

[Chris1030]

Thank you Buddhaboy, Chandlers Wish, and Jns for you feedback.. I appreciate it.
To answer your question, yes, we were having sex. A couple months back, we had gone out of state to see a friend of ours. He had told me that I was a rebound for him. I just let it go. If he was serious about 'us' I think we will see each other more than we do now. But then again I could be wrong. I love talking to him, but it seems as if he's always too busy for me, and that gets on my nerves a lot. I know he was trying to get back with his ex girlfriend, and yes, they still talk, he spends the night with her. At one point in time he had said that he wanted to marry her. She was the only one he could see him getting married to. When he brought up he feelings for me should I have asked him what was going on with him and his ex? Or is that just a bad idea? When we would hang out he would always ask me for money and like an idiot I gave it to him. When he had came out this last time he asked for some money as well, although he just got a job, finally. You see, I was basically supporting him.. Food, gas, cigarettes. Then the stuff he wanted, not NEEDED. Last thing he has said to me before he left was he didn't want to lose me. Which confused me.. I might be thinking this through too much but to me it seems like he just came back from money, but, then again I think his words are sincere. Guys aren't ones to express their feelings. They call it like it is.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chris, honey...

Well that to me paints a bit of a different picture.

Your money is yours. You work hard for it, no matter how much it is.. Yet, each time he sees you, I envisage, he has sex as well as gains money, but he'll only spend 5 or 10 minutes texting, you met him via the internet (where us lonely souls go ) and, he is in love with someone, still sees her, I bet really still in a relationship with her if you want my honest opinion. Of course he doesn't want to lose you, you give him money and sex whilst he does what ever he wants to do.

Even if this ex is giving him a hard time, he purposely was on the internet looking in my opinion. And, he's cheated on her, because he is still sleeping with her I can bet on it.

I would say, sweet that you are having an affair only you don't realise it.

Guys don't use women. Not decent ones. You don't deserve to be treated this way, I think you need to definately look for love but look for it where it is given back, not sitting waiting, finally seeing him, having sex, giving him money, he gives a few nice words that make you hold on all over again until next time.

Please think this through sweet.

[Chris1030]

He told me he cheated on her one time, but, I believe it's been more than once. I'm in too deep with him. I know he still has sex with her as well. He told me that too. So my question is do I ask him what's going on with him and his ex or do I leave it alone? Do I even continue talking to him? Regardless, whether we're friends, or more than friends I want him to always be honest with me. I'm always honest with him. I have no reason to lie.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Regardless, whether we're friends, or more than friends I want him to always be honest with me. I'm always honest with him. I have no reason to lie.

Think about this.

He told me he cheated on her one time, but, I believe it's been more than once

I know he still has sex with her as well. He told me that too

So, you are having sex with someone that is still having sex with his ex-girlfriend unprotected? He said he cheated on her once, I can bet sweetheart, she is still his girlfriend she found out about the cheating and broke it off, but is giving him another chance that is the time that you caught him "single" on the Internet.. He's cheating on her again. She doesn't know about you.

Your mind is working well, you KNOW he's done it more than once Your heart does not want to hear it as you hope she will fade away and these words he speaks will mean YOU are the one, I know hun. But, then he would NEVER ever, ask for money, he would spend it on you. That makes sense right?

So my question is do I ask him what's going on with him and his ex or do I leave it alone?

He won't be honest, you should be assertive and say, " I know you are back with her, she left you when you cheated, she has no idea about me, and I am your ticket for extra sex that she is not giving you for cheating as well as your meal ticket, so guess what? I think I should talk to her. Watch him scream, yell and run a mile .... Dare that I am wrong? I know this is hard sweetheart but honestly it's one guy in 1 million out there... You are worth MORE.

Do I even continue talking to him?

No Chris. Ignore him, no sex, no heart. If I am wrong? Then he has to call you HIS girlfriend, see you every day, then you will have that answer...

He will find another "affair" trust me.. And, trust me that if I am right, he'll try for a week or something, get you in bed, get more money and go back to what happened before, (now) so you will know in your heart it's time to move on.

Hey, trust me, honestly we have ALL been there.. Done that... You are no orphan.

[Hugo-B]

Chris, if you treat this as a learning experience then it will be just that, an experience from which you can learn from in order for you to prevent you making a mistake like this again.

This guy isn't in the right place emotionally for a relationship, and based on the new information you have proffered he definitely isn't in the right place morally, either.

I would stay well away from him, you deserve better. Don't allow him to use you for sex or abuse your generosity, good will, and trust. You sound like a nice girl, he sounds like as A-hole. How old are you out of idle curiosity?

[Chris1030]

This definitely doesn't come to a surprise to me. All I ever seem to run into is A-holes.. With relationships anyways. Should I tell him that we shouldn't talk anymore and leave it at that? And to answer your question, buddhaboy, I'm going on 21 years old.