[danny112]

I've been out of work for 2 years now, just completed a degree, and am looking for a job. My wife has basically been the only earner in the home for that time. She does home daycare out of our house so we are around each other A LOT.

Today as I was headed to the coffee shop to send some resumes out (I go there so that I can avoid distractions that are around the home) she lost her temper on me. She's angry that I "get to just go to the gym and the coffee shop". She says its not fair.

I completely see where she is coming from but she has no ideas how to make it better. My only thought is to put together a schedule where anything she needs done I can work it in and she can see I'm not just wasting time. I already do most of the dishes, laundry, and cooking and a lot of the cleaning--all of which I do happily knowing she is working hard to keeps our family running.

Does this sound like a good solution? Any other ideas would be helpful too.

[Hugo-B]

What degree Danny, just out of idle curiosity?

How about agreeing to do X amount of housework so she has little to no chores when she arrives home from work.

Next, send out resumes and add in the covering letter you're prepared to do X weeks' unpaid work experience in order to further your prospects. This should work. Short term, maybe try and get some part time work in Starbucks or anywhere you can stomach it to bring in a few extra bucks.

[LittlePip]

Does this sound like a good solution? Any other ideas would be helpful too.

I used to try to "earn" (by selling stuff i dont need etc) some money myself in my free time and use that to get some nice take out food or a little treat. It's nice to shake it up a bit.

Financial strain can be the worst. It sounds like you're working hard in the ways that you can. I like BB's suggestion above, getting any work where and when you can will help. Not only will it put some money in the bank but it will also get you out of the house to spend some valuable time apart!

It sounds like she could do with some time to do some things she regards as treats, you could facilitate that (by "earning" the money to pay or by taking on her responsibilities for the day so she can do whatever she likes. Maybe just to spend the day out in a park together so she can relax).

Good luck!

[danny112]

My degree is in CIS and my background is in telecommunications. I do a lot of the housework already so that is already in place.

[Claret]

It's not the housework, it's not the time you are spending looking for a job, completing resumes' etc. it's the fact that you are getting out of the house, interfacing with other adults, able to speak of adult matters and have a good time when you go to the gym.
What does your wife get? She gets alone time with the house and with the kids -- again. She needs an outside interest and she needs adult conversation. Is there anyway you can provide that for her?

[danny112]

She gets out quite a bit. 2 times a week to go play free poker at the bars, 3 times a week to go workout. And I always am available to watch the kids for whatever reason she may have.

It's almost like she is jealous of me not working, which I can understand but after the first couple of months it really is demoralizing knowing you aren't helping the family financially.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that that, is the answer Danny.

It's been two years. She's had enough of being the provider, perhaps even thinks you aren't being serious enough, with sending resumes, or obtaining work, that you like it the way it is. She doesn't.

It seems you both get "me" time.

So, what is wrong with getting a part time job? Somewhere, anywhere, whilst you wait, to show that you understand this equality..

[Little]

I like your idea of putting together a schedule - but not for the housework. For the business. Would it be acceptable for the two of you to split the daycare work? Not in the informal way you're suggesting, being "always available" to watch the kids. That's not the same as having a work schedule where on days XYZ, it is 100% your responsibility. If she operates the daycare on Mon-Fri, she could give you Thurs and Fri to run the business. Or any days, really, whatever works for her - and you. This would still leave you ample time to get out and apply for jobs (you might actually want to plan your work days based on this, if you are applying in person.)

The hitch I foresee is if the parents of the children being cared for have some kind of contract that guarantees your wife as the caregiver or if they object to the idea of a part-time male caregiver.

Then she can't be jealous of you not working :P And she can get a bit of a "vacation" for herself. Obviously this situation would be temporary until you got a job in your field, but the plus side to working for her daycare rather than taking a job out of your field is that she can pick your days back up immediately once you get an offer. No mess, no fuss.

[Claret]

Well, let's say the roles were reversed. What would you tell her? When I quit work it was after a lot of discussion, and the end result was that I had "value" outside of a paycheque. Could you do a spreadsheet, detail income and expenses and list the value of the things you do in and around the home without going out to work? This may help put things into perspective. It could also serve as a division of at-home work vs employment and what the contribution of each is. This will change though when you get employment and may have to be adjusted again at that time.

[jns]

Would it be acceptable for the two of you to split the daycare work?

I would caution very heavily against this. My basis is the McMartin preschool trial. Wiki [McMartin preschool trial] and read up. That trial was as bizarre as Franz Kafka's "The Trial" or even worse. The district attorney of Los Angeles County destroyed many lives. To this day I consider it a prime example of a government run amok. IMO, the best defense against such accusations would be a complete set of video recordings that showed exactly what happened. Of course, making such recordings would make you open to accusations of being a pedophile.

If it is getting too much for her, maybe she should consider shutting it down or selling it off.