[songbird159]

hi everyone...

About a week ago my alarm on my phone went off while we were lying in bed and my husband was annoyed by it and without any warning he punched me. This really upset me so i yelled "why did you hit me??" and he said because i made him mad and annoyed him. i told him he should never hit me no matter how mad he is and he yelled at me "FINE, I'M F*CKING SORRY OKAY??" but i could tell he was just apologizing because i was upset about him hitting me. he tried to climb back into the bed with me and i told him to leave the room or else i was going to call the police and he started pushing me and hitting me. i started pushing him back because he was now over me while i was lying in bed. i managed to grab my cell phone from my bedside table and dialed the police # and told him i was gonna press talk if he didnt leave immediately. he then threatened to go kill himself if i did by throwing himself into traffic. ( we live beside a major freeway) i was in shock at this point and didnt know what to say...he did leave (he packed a duffel bag before he left so i figured he wasnt going to kill himself afterall) he came back a day later and all he said was "im damaged" and he accused me of trying to ruin his life by threatening to call the police on him. he hasnt given me a sincere apology yet and it has been over a week. He just told me he was teased as a kid and he has anger problems. Oh, and we have been seeing a counsellor for about 5 months now, we have been dating 10 years married for 3 years, no kids. i wish we could work it out..... This isnt the first time this has happened hes gotten physical before, throwing things at me, pushing me or hitting or trying to restrain me when ive tried to leave during arguments. He also told me about a month ago that he thought if i didnt have him he didnt think i would make it on my own, and that im lazy. i work fulltime at a fairly wellpaying job and also volunteer for 2 different organizations. i told a few friends and my family and they are all begging me to leave and a couple friends want me to come live with them for awhile and divorce him. but i love him and feel like i would be giving up on my husband by leaving... What if he changes by staying in counselling longer? at the same time, im 28 years old and i always thought i would have had children by now and i had dreams of having a family... But i wont bring children into this violent atmosphere... so my question is, do i leave and go through heartbreak and maybe eventually find someone new? or do i stay and hope counselling works?

[Avatar Nirvana]

LEAVE NOW. Last night out of the blue my alarm went off and it took me about a minute to find it in the dark and shut it off. I also have a roommate. Did she hit for a little mishap like that? No. She didn't even acknowledge to me about my alarm going off. This is how sane people function on little things like this.
You said you have been together for over a decade. Is this the first time he became violent towards you? If this is the first time, he will definitely do it again. You're not giving up on your husband if you leave him. You're giving up on your dignity if you stay with him. You said leaving will cause your heart to be broken, but I think your heart was broken the second he hit you.
Please be aware that your safety is on the line here and please leave and call the police.

[Little]

He is absolutely textbook abusive. It's likely he won't improve in counseling - why should he? He hits you, he apologizes, his life continues going the way it always has. Why should he change?

Take up one of your friends on the offer to live with them. Don't tell your husband you're leaving - abuse victims are in the most danger when the abuser knows it's almost at an end. File for a separation. Run run run run away from this man. Be so very glad you don't have children with him, or children who've had to live with him and be influenced with him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You were only a teenager when you started going out with him, no doubt he was the bad boy that you thought you could nurture, therefore change and you probably felt sorry for him.

When a guy tells you, "you are no one without him, useless, won't find anyone else", it's their in-securities as they know full well that you not only can but will and that person will be so much better that you'll wonder why you stayed so long. He is trying to put you down, so you feel you are nothing and stay with him.

He has severe Anger issues that stem from childhood yet he is going on 30. He hasn't just done this, he's done it before many a time to you... If he is not ready to accept that what ever happened to him in childhood doesn't warrent so much anger and to start to let that go, he won't change.. You are talking about errasing years of anger.

What you do have to do is 1) protect yourself yes? 2) Realize your worth, a good job, volunteering is not worthless. 3) That he was your childhood sweetheart, they don't always turn out to be "the one", there is an exciting life out there for you, with a loving partner and a child or two... and 4) By leaving, (forget he will try the committing suicide comment, 99% of the time it's all talk), he may very well realise what he has lost and work harder at getting better , you can decide in a years time what you think about where his is at together with his councellor never just take his word for it. And, if it turns out you lose the love over that period of time and find someone wonderful.. More power to you both ways.

In my opinion that is what you need to do.

[Mackaygirl22]

Honey i would serious think about leaving what concerns me about this is that it was just over a phone alarm think it was only something small has that

men have no right to lay a hand on a woman period does not matter if it was just one little time it will continue to happen and get worse over time please take some advise and leave or call the police he has no right to harm you like that just over a alarm yes some women lay hands on their man but it shouldn't happen either way period

A man should honor and love and protect their wife or girlfriend not use them as a punching bag
please do something about it before it gets to bad you are strong to leave and it is okay speak to the police to see where they help and go to your local women's clinic

I believe you have the strength to do this love

Take care

[Euphoric]

This is just my two cents worth, but I agree with the above posts. And yes, be thankful that children are not involved. It has been my experience that a man who is abusive toward his spouse gets worse once children are involved because your attention revolves around caring for someone other than them. In turn, the abuse you receive now may get more frequent and more violent, and the rage that the child receives because of jealousy is unfair and inhumane.

I also agree that when a partner belittles their SO, they do it intending to lower your self-esteem so that you feel you have no other options.

Little gave good advice pertaining to remaining elusive if you do intend to leave, follow it.

[rcoreyus]

Sounds like classic abusive behavior. Leave now. Counseling is unlikely to work, and frankly he isn't worth it.

[jns]

I agree with rc.

[Guest]

do i leave and go through heartbreak and maybe eventually find someone new?

Yes, leave now.

[rosekitten]

hi everyone...

About a week ago my alarm on my phone went off while we were lying in bed and my husband was annoyed by it and without any warning he punched me. This really upset me so i yelled "why did you hit me??" and he said because i made him mad and annoyed him. i told him he should never hit me no matter how mad he is and he yelled at me "FINE, I'M F**CKING SORRY OKAY??" but i could tell he was just apologizing because i was upset about him hitting me. he tried to climb back into the bed with me and i told him to leave the room or else i was going to call the police and he started pushing me and hitting me. i started pushing him back because he was now over me while i was lying in bed. i managed to grab my cell phone from my bedside table and dialed the police # and told him i was gonna press talk if he didnt leave immediately. he then threatened to go kill himself if i did by throwing himself into traffic. ( we live beside a major freeway) i was in shock at this point and didnt know what to say...he did leave (he packed a duffel bag before he left so i figured he wasnt going to kill himself afterall) he came back a day later and all he said was "im damaged" and he accused me of trying to ruin his life by threatening to call the police on him. he hasnt given me a sincere apology yet and it has been over a week. He just told me he was teased as a kid and he has anger problems. Oh, and we have been seeing a counsellor for about 5 months now, we have been dating 10 years married for 3 years, no kids. i wish we could work it out..... This isnt the first time this has happened hes gotten physical before, throwing things at me, pushing me or hitting or trying to restrain me when ive tried to leave during arguments. He also told me about a month ago that he thought if i didnt have him he didnt think i would make it on my own, and that im lazy. i work fulltime at a fairly wellpaying job and also volunteer for 2 different organizations. i told a few friends and my family and they are all begging me to leave and a couple friends want me to come live with them for awhile and divorce him. but i love him and feel like i would be giving up on my husband by leaving... What if he changes by staying in counselling longer? at the same time, im 28 years old and i always thought i would have had children by now and i had dreams of having a family... But i wont bring children into this violent atmosphere... so my question is, do i leave and go through heartbreak and maybe eventually find someone new? or do i stay and hope counselling works?

Sweetheart, you can live through heartache, and you can come through it with a better life. The damage he is doing to you, and the damage he may likely end up doing, are far worse than some heartache. Please, please leave. Don't wait, don't justify his actions, don't keep hoping that "it will get better." You can not have a happy, healthy life with a person like this.