[CHANDLERS WISH]

In my opinion, keep working at that part time job and find another part time job as well, stay with your friend until you find a place of your own.

He sounds like my ex-husband More concerned about his house being clean, someone there for company, not using "his" money.. He doesn't want a partner, he sees wife as (a woman home attending to his needs), and, the (woman) attending places he wants to go, not togetherness, it's all about him.

Everything he is stating when you meet, is all about him.. What he wants...

Chin up, you are a brave girl and you are doing the right thing. He's not interested in Councelling because he is not interested in change.

[nadiaM]

Being hit or beaten is the worst thing which can happen to you in a relationship. LEAVE HIM NOW.

[Avatar Nirvana]

Keep talking to your counselor. Controlling money will lead to more abuse.

[songbird159]

yesterday i applied for an apartment... It was so sad and scary...i had to tell my bosses that i wanted to use them as a reference... i have tried so hard not to let anyone at my work(s) know there was any problem. Today the apartment company called to say they had selected me. i think i am still in shock. i guess im really doing it. and i had to agree to a 6 month lease. My husband and i had joint counselling where he explained to the counsellor that he didnt think he was controlling and that i just needed to take more initiative. he insisted that he cared about the house cleaning because how i did it wasnt up to his standards. i took out my cellphone ad showed my counsellor pictures of our home and she said it looked spotless. friends amd family who have come over always ask how we keep it so clean and remark that it looks like a show home or like nobody lives there. so him saying i dont clean enough makes me feel like im going crazy? today in counselling he completely denied saying that counselling was pointless. but then he tripped up and did say he thought he had already made big changes. even though he didnt feel like he was controlling. when our counsellor asked if he had ever hit me before the incident he told her about he said no. i was in shock and again felt like i was going crazy and i turned to him and said " really?!" he had a surprised, " who, me?" look on his face so i listed off a few times where arguments had become physical and he fumbled with replies like " i dont remember that....." and when i went into detail about incidents he said "well.... Okay maybe i remember something about that.... But i dont think that was that bad because i knew better than you and i was just trying to share what i knew from experience with you"
so it is with a very sad, breaking heart that i know i have to live apart from him for awhile, if only to save myself from the constant feeling of not ever feeling good enough, or feeling like i am going crazy :,(
After our session he told me he felt like our counsellor was "picking on him" and that he felt like she minimized his concerns and didnt deal with the fact that im not taking responsibility for letting him control me and then blaming him for it. and he complained that he always gets blamed for controlling. i told him that us living apart didnt mean divorce just time to get healthy. He told me he missed our dog that i brought to my parents house when i left ( he always told me the dog annoyed him and left his care to me) i couldnt take him with me to my friends house and the apartment i could afford doesnt allow pets. my heart is broken over that too. but i love my baby dog and i visit with him at my parents. i promise myself it wont be long until i get a place that is pet friendly so i can live with him again... i am still holding onto hope maybe my husband will "wake up" and we will be able to work things out.....

[Jane20]

No try to convince him it happens sometime because of overwork in office and try to understand him, if then he will be doing the same then the decision is yours because you know the things better. Also try to find out whether he got disturbed or by what reason try to solve this.

[Euphoric]

I am soooo proud of you for standing up for yourself. He is a control freak. As most abusive people are, he is trying to play the victim. Now he is saying that the counselor is picking on him?! You deserve a huge hug for standing up to him and 'refreshing' his memory in front of the counselor, too. You have chosen your words carefully in telling him that this is a time to get healthy and you are right. If he doesn't properly utilize this time to do some soul searching and change his behavior (which I doubt, unfortunately), at least this will allow you some respite.

You are so strong and smart. Remember, you have support here!!

[Little]

Don't forget that even your counselor is a human being - a manipulable, controllable human just like you. You are lucky to have found one he's having trouble manipulating. This is, of course, annoying to him. Watch out for him asking for a new therapist or going to a different one alone who backs him up completely or makes you out to be the bad guy.

Please don't hold your breath for him to change. You're doing right to leave this lying, beating manipulator behind.

[songbird159]

Thank you so much everyone, i know it probably seems weird but i really do find strength here...: , )

Little, you called it.... He told me he feels like the counselor doesn't "give a $hit" about him, and that he is disappointed in her for thinking we should live apart for awhile. A d he feels like she takes sides and only believes what i say. i cant help feeling hes trying to shake my trust in our counselor.

but then he also told me he thinks she can really help us and that he values her opinion.... I agreed to meet with him at our house (i made a safety plan with my mom who lives close by to check on me by text every hr and call the police if i didnt reply) and we had a conversation and he started out telling me he didnt know how we would work things out if i didnt clean the house the way he expected, and that if i didnt drive or cook the way he thought was right that it was ignorant of me not to listen to his advice. at that point i got up to leave and he begged me to stay and all of a sudden he was telling me that he didnt want me to change or for him to change me, and that i had misunderstood him, and that he wanted me to stay just the way i am and he would respect me and not try to be "as overbearing" as he had been. i asked him why the sudden change of heart and he said he didnt have a change of heart but that i had misunderstood him because he has a hard time communicating. it was like he was 2 different people. i became really confused and told him i had to go because i was tired and he offered to drive me to my friends house. (but he doesnt know where she lives and i wanted to keep it that way.) he texted me to see if i made it to my friends house safely and asked if i stopped anywhere on the way to her house because he thought it took me a long time to get there. i felt a bit nervous answering him... i took the apartment and am in the process of getting furniture. i havent told him that i took it. he told me if i took it he didnt think we would be able to stay married because of all the money i would spend on rent. :/

even though im sad i do think being away is the right thing to do...

[jns]

I hope everything works out for you. I hope your husband realizes what a perfect wife he has and decides to work on himself to truly change. Best of luck.

[Avatar Nirvana]

There is nothing weird about finding strength on this forum. We are all in this together. Sometimes complete strangers can be comforting and helpful. Have you told your counselor or husband that you spoke to us as well? Your husband needs to realize that you are so scared of his behavior that you had to turn to strangers for help.