[songbird159]

hey everyone.... thank you so much for replying... i took your advice and i went to stay with a friend. it was so hard to pack and leave but i knew i had to.

my husband finally apologized yesterday and told me he would do whatever it took to make our marriage work. i told him he had to promise me he would never become violent again and that he had to understand that if he ever did i would call the police and have him charged and that i would leave. He said to me, " it seems like youre placing limits on me" and i said....."yes. thats exactly what im doing. Thats what i need to stay in the marriage" (even though i cant take credit for coming up with the laws that say people cant assault others) he told me he could not guarantee that he wouldnt get mad and lose lontrol again.... and while i appreciated his honesty (he could have lied) i knew in that moment i had to go. i told him i thought then that i had better go somewhere else for awhile so he could work on his anger. he left to go out of town or thanksgiving and i packed and left. im planning to stay at my friends house and check in with our counsellor to see how hes doing to see if its safe to go back home. i have only been gone for one day and one night but already my head is so much more clear and i know this was the right thing to do. thank you everyone, so much. :,)

[jns]

Whether or not you get together again, I hope he is taking anger management counseling and is actually learning how to control his temper. If he can learn (maybe a slim chance), he can control his temper and guarantee you that he would never hit you again. It will take time for him to learn.

[Avatar Nirvana]

It's good to know that he is being honest about his behavior. He is aware on how much he hurt you by letting you go and seeking help. You said you wanted to have children, so make sure the counselor says it is safe for them.
Stay strong and please keep us posted and know that we are here for you as well.

[songbird159]

Well what can I say... last week he called me to complain that he had to clean the house because he wanted to have a friend come over. i reminded him that i was currently living with a friend and hadn't been at home for 2 days. then i didnt talk to him the rest of the week. (my counsellors idea) yesterday we met for supper and i tried to express my concerns about returning home and that i felt we should work on things like his controlling behaviour and his anger. He got really angry and said that i was "drudging up the past". to me, a month ago is not the past, and a month ago when i wanted to deal with issues he wasnt open to it. I admit im not perfect and i invited him to talk to me about what he felt needed to change. he told me i needed to clean the house more. :/ which i feel like i do the vast majority of household responsibilities, and once in awhile hell do the dishes or a load of his own laundry and he feels like he had to clean the whole house. argh.

[songbird159]

oh and im still living with my friend. and will be until he either has a major revelation or until i find my own apartment, depending on how counselling goes. thanks to everyone for reading, letting me vent and sharing your opinions ❤

[jns]

songbird, you are doing what you have to and at the same time hoping he has an eureka moment. Best of luck.

[Avatar Nirvana]

3 years ago an ex-friend of mine hurt me so much that it caused our friendship to end and become sworn enemies. She also hurt others as well. When she apologized to me she was upset that I didn't "move on" and didn't forgive her like everyone else did. I believed the reason why she did this was not just because she wanted to be my friend again, but because she was very clingy and feared abandonment. Although I haven't spoken to her since, I believe if she spoke to me about this today she would say and feel the same thing. This is what your husband is feeling. He doesn't want to be rejected by the woman he loves.
It doesn't matter how long time has passed since he hurt you. Like my friend did to me, he hurt you in a way you didn't think was possible.

[songbird159]

i went for supper with him this past wednesday evening. He told me he was lonely and wanted me to move back in. He told me he wanted to prove to me with his actions not his words that he had changed. He also told me he thought counselling was pointless because he had already changed and talking about him being angry and controlling is just dwelling on the past. I told him our counselor had suggested that I find my own place to rent for awhile while we work on issues. He told me if i moved out and rented a place we "wouldn't work out" and that he wouldn't be able to forgive me for spending the money. he said he had a plan for us that if we followed it we would be debt free in 6 months. i tried to point out that he made up that plan and just expected me to follow it and that we had not discussed it together but he denied that him arranging our finances was controlling. i then told him that i had agreed to take on some part time work every second weekend at a store i worked at for 8 years since they are short staffed. (and i figured id need the money if worst came to worst) he told me he didnt think i should because it would get in the way of us going on out of town trips to see my family. i think he said this because i told him i felt like he isolates me from my family because we were supposed to go visit my family in another province (6 hr drive) i go once a year during the summer, sometimes twice when i can afford it. this summer he convinced me to cancel going so we could go to his parents cabin 2 hrs away that we had been to almost every weekend that summer. And his parents live in the same city as us. he claims he doesnt remember that. he also told me that he had committed to going out of town with a friend of his the next three weekends for football games. ( but surely it would be my working part time that would interfere with a trip to see my family, right?) he then asked if id have to work during christmas season and i think he was worried because the last 10 years we've always gone to his grandparents for christmas. which has been a longstanding bone of contention. i just feel absolutely crushed and hopeless right now, and i wish i knew a way to change this situation but i know i cant make him feel like he has to change.... heartbroken :,(

[jns]

songbird, it doesn't sound like he has changed a bit for the good. He has became more devious in his games to limit your options to ones he is in control of. You are on the right path. Has he truly ceded any positions to the counselor?

[songbird159]

our counselor told me he opened up a little one time about being teased in elementary school and not having many friends... but then she said he seemed to "shut down" and he wouldn't open up to her anymore. i tried talking to him and he said he would rather talk to our counselor and when i told him that she said he wasn't really opening up, he said he is "too shy" to open up.