Still can't kill my feelings for him :( and it is not doing me any good!

**Amber** · 12-04-2012, 09:32 PM

I will admit that in these past few months, most days (when I'm not hormonal during that time of the month) I think of him very briefly. But on days like today, I remember something or something happens to make me dig away the sand to expose that burning pain, it hurts like h**ll. And I have to ask myself if I really should just be throwing sand over that pain again or should I somehow be dealing with it.

**Amber** · 12-05-2012, 04:45 AM

Someone I feel nothing for is the person who checks an item I'm buying at the store. She does a decent job and makes no mistakes but she doesn't do an excellent job either. Which is not expected. You don't give this person a second thought. That person doesn't really mean anything to you. You are indifferent to that person.

Or a person I may have met at a singles event. I spent one or two evenings with that person but if I never see that person again, it wouldn't make a difference to me. I feel nothing for them.

To feel nothing to my ex. To feel so little, so indifference to him, I have no idea how to get there. But even more so, to know that is how he feels about me, really hurts. That I am that little to him, hurts so much. But unfortunately, I can now see how he could feel nothing to me. I was just a rebound object to him after all. I was his mistake. And the three years later, I was his chore or his charity. He never really cared about me. I was nothing to him. He didn't care if he ever saw me or not. That really, really hurts and I don't know how to make that stop hurting. So I just bury that hurt inside and pretend it doesn't exist. And some days I succeed on that for the most part but other days I don't. Do I just continue playing this game of burying those feelings until the rare chance I meet the next guy?

I have been playing that stupid online dating game for over a year and a half now and no luck what so ever. Only guys much older than me want some one like me and I'm not interested in someone that much older than me. Close to ten years. I don't see a guy worth dating coming any time soon. Any one younger than that doesn't want someone who can't be active. And the ones who do are really, really overweight and then I'm not attracted to them. Or we have nothing in common. The right guy is not coming for me.

**Pollon** · 12-05-2012, 12:23 PM

Amber,

Feelings emerge from a variety of sources. Sometimes they come from our physical state (tired, hormonal, injury, etc), sometimes they come from beliefs we have and sometimes they come from the stories we tell ourselves about the events in our lives, people around us and observations we make. Unfortunately, if those observations, stories and beliefs are wrong, we can end up stuck in some awful places.

It seems to me you have some beliefs and stories that are at least partially false. If you don't mind, try completing these phrases and maybe we can understand where those mistakes are.

If this former boyfriend doesn't have feelings for me in means ___________________________.

I don't see any guy worth dating coming soon because ________________________.

The chance of meeting the next guy is slim because _________________________.

If my ex boyfriend were to come back to me it would mean that _____________________.

I've only had one boyfriend because ______________________.

Look forward to hearing from you.

**Amber** · 12-05-2012, 06:46 PM

If this former boyfriend doesn't have feelings for me it means - that he has been lying to me for some time now.

When I say feelings, I'm not meaning romantic feelings. I found out quite a while back that he never had those feelings for me. I was just a rebound object for him. No, I mean friendship feelings. He told me we would be good friends. I had wanted that, since I knew he didn't want more than that. I left for about four months after he broke it off before coming back and trying the friend route. I told him more than once that my feelings were not completely dead for him. He accepted that. He figured they would die over time. I try to make them die while tried to be his friend. I never really succeeded in killing those feelings.

Through the three years we were supposingly friends, I turned to him a lot for guidance. I had finally left my parents house. I know way over due. And I found a lot of new experiences rising from this. We talked a lot through emailing. This friendship route was his idea to begin with. He stayed friends with most of his ex-girlfriends. When I was out on my own, I found the few winters to become very lonesome. Single events were very few and far in between. I would turn to him. I wanted someone to hang out once in a while. He would tell me he had no time and to go out and find some friends. Easier said than done for me and that always hurt. But I figured he was busy. Only about a month before I stopped all contact with him (stopped contact with him this past June), do I find out he was busy with other friends. People I actually knew. He made plenty of time with them and he couldn't bother to spend a night out with me. He didn't want to. Meanwhile, he would tell me that he enjoyed my company but he just didn't have time. I realize now it was a huge lie. It had to be if he had time and all he would ever do is push me away to be with those other friends. He probably would use the excuse that he didn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. But only it is hurting me now. Not that he cares. I don't think he ever really cared, though he said he did. He saw me as a charity or a chore, to make up the fact that I was his rebound object. He has openly admitted that i was just a rebound for him.

A girlfriend came into the picture for him about a year ago in June. While he spent time one on one with all of his ex-girlfriends, he was finding less and less time he had to spend time with me. Not that there was much to begin with anyways. It just got worse once she got in the picture. We spent about two evenings together since she came into the picture. And no, nothing ever once happened between us other than a platonic relationship. Nothing more. I never made a move on him and he never made a move on me.

But for him to have no feelings for me just really hurts because for three years, he had me thinking he was my friend. My good friend. Or for at least the first two years. It was the last year things started to get worse. And he started to make excuses of how he had no time for me. He didn't say I can't see you because i have a girlfriend. He said he just had no time to fit me in. Only at the very end, he said I had to accept her also or we couldn't spend time one on one with each other. It was fine with him all of the other times. He was just sick and tired of making excuses of having no time for me. I never took any time from her. Those two nights she was unavailable with other plans.

I know I still have some feelings for him that I have to get rid of. Most of those feelings are gone now. But I guess I have enough feeling left for him, that make feeling nothing for him seem impossible. He made me believe he was my friend. Friends don't feel completely nothing for each other. Or at least I can't feel nothing for him and to know that he feels nothing for me just hurts. I feel like I have lost my only friend. Even though I meet people at singles events, close friendship don't evolve from them. He was the only person who I ever felt like was really a friend. Or so I thought. What a joke that turned out to be. I don't have any real friends anymore, not that he cares. He feels nothing for me after all. I can't help it. That just really, really hurts. Maybe that is my feelings for him not gone saying that but it does.

He told me don't come back until I feel nothing for him. Until it makes no difference if I ever see him again or not. He has admitted if I was to come back as a friend to him after my feelings were gone, the emailing wouldn't be happening again. It would be just seeing him at a single event or something like that. That is pretty cold so why would I want to go back to that.

I would have to spend time with his girlfriend also if I want to really be his friend. I don't think I could do that so I don't think I would be seeing him ever again.

So I shouldn't care that he sees me as nothing but I just can't help it. I do care. It just hurts so much and I have been trying to just bury that feeling inside of me. Only those feelings escape at times.

If my ex boyfriend were to come back to me it would mean that - h********************************ll has frozen over. He would never come back to me for more than friendship. But then his idea of a friendship is a joke anyways.

I've only had one boyfriend because - my life has been complicated. Very quick version. Shy through high school. Started latin dancing when I was in my late teens and didn't hang around with many people my age. It wasn't popular back then for younger people. Only reason why I stopped dancing after about ten years is the high heels I use to always wear, ruined my feet. Went through four surgeries and then a knee surgery after that. Those surgeries and recovery periods took up about four years of my life. Knee was great for about a year until it started to bother me. I can walk but not for longer than a few hours at a time before pain starts. I no longer can dance. Have tried, knee can't take it. I can't play sports.

I tried a dating website for a year in 2007 until I gave up looking for a guy. 2008 had no way of finding a guy. 2009 I meet my ex-boyfriend at a singles event. He ends it six months later. Finally realizes I'm just a rebound object to him.

A year on online dating in 2007 left me with a bitter taste for it but about a year and a half ago I start up online dating again. Big problem is 95 percent of men want a woman who will be active with them. My knees and feet can't take playing sports. I say in my profile that I don't play sports. I once tried mentioning why but then guys really treated me as if I had the plague. So I just went back to just saying I don't play sports. This is a huge turnoff for guys I have found.

Guys who don't care if I play sports fall into a few other categories. I find other guys who are 8 to 10 years older than me. I'm in my late 30's so that puts them in their late 40's. I don't want someone that old. Or they are 300 or more pounds, which I don't find that attractive. Attraction is a huge thing for a guy so he expects the woman to look good but I guess some guys figure it doesn't apply to themselves also. Or we have nothing in common with each other. Or a very big one, they are not looking for a serious relationship like I am. they have been married once and are now divorced with children and don't care to make another commitment again. They just want to find a woman to have fun with. I have never been married before. I want more than just fun.

75 percent of the guys who approach me are 8 to 10 years older than me. The others somehow fall in the categories above. When I approach a guy around my age, they rarely ever respond. The few dates I have been on have led nowhere. It is really hard to believe that guy is coming. It just feels like any guy I would be interested in doesn't want me. Thanks to my knees and feet, I'm not good enough for those guys. Or they just don't want a woman to eventually commit to.

**Amber** · 12-05-2012, 07:10 PM

And just to add, I know it is not my looks that keeps the guys away. I would say I could win at least 60 to 70 percent, if not more on my looks. If looks is all they wanted. I'm not conceited, I'm just going by what I have been told. Men have told me that I'm cute and pretty. A few say I'm beautiful. I think those guys are just sweet talkers. I don't see myself as beautiful. I'm no knockout model or beautiful like that. I guess I can fall for cute or pretty. Who knows.

But what I do know is guys first reaction to a woman is her looks. And my dating profile gets a lot of hits. But the problem is who looks at my profile. 75 percent of the guys who look at my profile are in their late 40s or much older. Guys search for women ten years younger than themselves. The 25 percent who are within my age range don't contact me. Something is obviously scaring them away and I believe that for the most part, it is for the reasons I mentioned in my posting above. Some of those guys who have looked at me have been really cute. So my looks can't be that bad for them to want to click on my picture.

**Amber** · 12-06-2012, 05:12 AM

He acts like he is one of those Mr Nice guys. And I really believed that he cared about me. I thought he was a good friend of mine. But towards the end, it was really hard to believe anything that came out of his mouth. Not after I found out how he was telling me he had no time while he was out with other friends, that whole season. He said he doesn't remember what his reasoning was for that. He always had an excuse for everything. And towards the end, he just had no time. He didn't want to make any time.

I know I had to break away to get over him and now it has been about five months. It hurts when I think about how he tells me to come back if I want when I fell nothing for him. I don't know. Nothing just seems like such a strong word. I don't understand how to feel nothing for him. I just feel really, really hurt by him.

So I just try to move on, try to forget about him which I'm really lousy at. And just stand the pain I guess on those days that I start to really think about him. I tell myself don't analyze it because it is only going to hurt. Just bury it away. But then I think maybe that is not a good thing to just bury that inside you. But I see no way around that.

I can't find a way to get over it. I really believed he was my friend. He was my only friend.

**Stillness** · 12-06-2012, 08:21 AM

Amber, how about getting out and meeting people. I doubt that my wife and I would have chosen each other online. My guess is that many, if not most, couples wouldn't. The internet can't convey charm or chemistry well. And romantic relationships tend to be build on existing social relationships. Friends become lovers, friends introduce you to a potential mate, or common interests put two people together. You're trying to skip that step and keep getting undesirable results. If the online stuff is not working, why not try the old-fashioned way? Are you involved in any religious groups, activities, charities, etc.?

Also you could make some friends that way - not the kind that just like your facebook comments. Real ones. You didn't want this guy to be a friend. You wanted him to be the friend in your life. That's a big commitment and an unattractive prospect, especially when there's a romantic history. It's at least borderline unhealthy, in my opinion. All friends tend to drift in and out of our lives to one extent or another as circumstances change - even really good ones. That's normal. I have good college buddies and even family members that I love very dearly that I can go months without speaking to. If they come around we hang out, catch up, and even help each other. It's a mutually pleasurable and normal friendship experience. You wanted something more than a normal friendship. I think you need to get out and rub some shoulders. Do some stuff.

**Amber** · 12-06-2012, 04:20 PM

Stillness, he was the one who use to say we would be close, good friends. That is until he got too busy after a few years and then pushed me aside. I go to single events some times. I meet people but it is not really a way to meet many guys. It is definitely not a way to meet a good friend. I guess at my age, if I haven't found a good friend to confide in, I won't be finding one. Unless it is a guy who I start to date. Women have girlfriends to confide in. I don't have that. I never had a best friend to confide in. I know people but before him, I never had anyone to confide in. When I was younger I would turn to my mother but that doesn't work anymore. Now I have no alternative than to just keep stuff inside.

He made me believe he was a real, true friend that would be there if I ever need one. What a joke that turned out to be.

I have been trying to move on and pretending he doesn't exist. I'm ok at that for the most part. But there are days that I start to think of him and then I tell myself to stop it. But if I don't listen to myself, the hurt comes back.

I guess I just have to do my best to keep it buried inside me and maybe one day I can look at it all, realize what a real looser he was, and finally feel nothing at all for him like he is so dam good at! He always told me that he really did care for me. I was so stupid to actually believe him. What a lier he was! It is just when I really think about it, the guy who said he would always be a good friend to me, is gone, it just really hurts so much.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I have only one life to live and I can't waste it by hurting for that jerk. And if the only way to do it is to bury the hurt inside, I guess that is what I need to do.

**Pollon** · 12-06-2012, 04:56 PM

Amber, sorry I wasn't clearer. The beliefs I think might be false are about yourself. I have modified the sentences to be more clear. I find that the shorter you can boil it down to, the more useful and closer it will be to your inner beliefs about yourself.

If this former boyfriend doesn't have feelings for me it means that I am ___________________________.

I don't see any guy worth dating coming soon because they are either older, fat or want an active girl and I ________________________.

The chance of meeting the next guy is slim because my life is complicated and I _________________________.

If my ex boyfriend were to come back to me it would mean that I_____________________.

I've only had one boyfriend because I don't play sports and I ______________________.

Still can't kill my feelings for him :( and it is not doing me any good!

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