[Amber]

Pollon, I'll try to answer your questions when I have time later on.

[Amber]

If this former boyfriend doesn't have feelings for me it means that I am - obviously alone. I'm always alone. But I know i have no choice but to move on. Pretend he doesn't exist. I know you can't make someone have feelings for you. It is just that he never had any real feelings for me like I had for him so it was quite easy for him to get over me. But I never knew he felt nothing for me. It is just so cold. Countless times I called him out on it, saying that he didn't care if he ever saw me. And he would say yes he did, he just didn't have the time. He was lying to me all of those time. He really didn't care. And now he says I have to get to the point, that I don't care if I ever see him. That he is nothing to me. It is so easy for him but I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how to get there. I don't think that I can get there. Just go on pretending he doesn't exist and when it hurts, let it hurt.

I don't see any guy worth dating coming soon because they are either older, fat or want an active girl and I'm - sick of it. I'm afraid he is never going to come along.

The chance of meeting the next guy is slim because my life is complicated and none of the guys I would want, wants me. Guys who are ten years older than me want me. And the guys who are my age who want me are just looking for some fun, with never any possible commitment down the road, if they find the right woman. You can tell this by their profile. No, they just want an independent woman who will be there when he wants her there and will get lost when he doesn't want to be bothered.

If my ex boyfriend were to come back to me it would mean that I had just died. Other words, it is not happening. He would never come back to me. And the only way he would ever contact me again was if he sent an email to a group of people that my email address was attached to. Sometimes he runs an single event that I could go to if I had wanted to. Not that I want to be anywhere near him. I say single events but not all of these events are just for singles. But it would be address to everyone, not just me. He doesn't care to contact me. He has gotten rid of me. He knows of this place but wouldn't make the effort to go here and see how I'm doing.

I've only had one boyfriend because I don't play sports and my life was complicated. I sort of spelled it in one of the previous post. I was shy all the way through high school and college. I started to latin dance as a way to get out of my shell but for over ten years I was surround by people twice my age. Younger people didn't dance like that in those days. The very few guys who were my age were not interested in me. I had no life out of dancing.

Then I go through a full year of tendonitis in my ankle with no dancing, just work. Never got out, outside of family stuff. Then after that, I went through four years of four foot surgeries because the high heels ruined my feet and a knee surgery. Also, never got out outside of family. I had no real hobbies other than the dancing and that was gone.

I finally tried online dating in 2007 for a year. Only met a bunch of morons. 2008 nothing really eventful. 2009 I found those single events and close to the summer I met my ex-boyfriend. It last for six months before he gets rid of me. I spend the fall to early winter trying to get over him before I came back and try the friend route.

Didn't meet anyone through the single events and then a year and a half ago, I started online dating again. Way older, fat guys want me or guys who just want to have fun and nothing more. The guys around my age are all active and don't want me. Or have children and have no real time to give to a woman. They want a little fun on the side and that is it.

And I'm so sick of rude guys. They wink at you, you email them and half of the time they don't email you back. They blow you off. Or you email them a few times, and then they don't email saying it just won't work. No, they rudely just stop emailing you. I hate that game. I really don't think the guy I want to meet is coming.

[Stillness]

Amber, I was referring to some activity that has nothing to do with dating. And maybe you won't find a man that meets your standards for a while or ever, but you can broaden your horizons. And you're never too old to make friends. If you think you are and are negative, it becomes self-fulfilling.

[Amber]

Amber, I was referring to some activity that has nothing to do with dating. And maybe you won't find a man that meets your standards for a while or ever, but you can broaden your horizons. And you're never too old to make friends. If you think you are and are negative, it becomes self-fulfilling.

Stillness, I didn't mean I was too old to make friends. I make friends all of the time. But there is a friend and a close friend. It is completely different. A close friend you can share all of your secrets and problems with. All the people I'm friends with you don't get that close. Maybe because once you leave the event, you don't see them. I have no idea. I just know that I have been going to single events for about four years now and my ex was the only person who ever came close to being a close friend.

I have tried to find stuff to do around where I live and there is nothing that would help me find friends. Nothing happens around where I live. So I stay with those single events and don't meet any guys that will lead anywhere or friend that ever become close friends. Maybe because I'm not one to throw myself on someone. These people have busy lives to begin with. I don't feel comfortable pushing my way into them.

The regular friend is just what my ex wants me to be, one that it doesn't matter if you ever see them. You are not really friends, or at least close ones. He promised a close one. Don't worry, I know that was a pathetic joke now.

[Amber]

I have realized there is one step that I missed when I stop all contact with my ex-boyfriend five months ago, in attempt to finally getting over him. I found this in an article of ten things to do to get over a guy.

7) Start a journal.

Journal writing is a great way to get over anything. It gives you a chance to sit down with your feelings and really hash things out with yourself. If you've never tried journal writing before, give it a shot. List all the problems you had with your ex, write about the time when you wanted to leave his cheating ****** at Disneyland, get it all out. This will help you on the recovery highway to getting over your ex.

Instead of just thinking about all of the things I will no longer have, which makes me feel hurt and sad. I never pointed out the things that made this friendship lousy and not as great as I wanted to believe. And for me to point out to myself why he was not so wonderful.

I also never threw out the many emails he sent me. I still have them but I rarely ever look at them. The only ones I look at once in a great while is maybe an advise ones he gave me. Which most of them mainly were in the friend years. I went back to the very last ones, when everything was so bad, it couldn't have gotten much worse. I accused him of not caring. He came back saying he did care but holding on to these feelings were not good for me. Not healthy for me and I had to get rid of them.

I know he is right. And the last five months I have been trying to break free of them. But I guess there is something I haven't been trying to let go of. That is the idea of going back once I'm over him. I can't do that anymore. The only way I'm going to ever get over him, is I tell myself that I'm not going back. Because the part of me that wants to go back is the part of me that has feelings for him. And I can't just tell myself, I have to learn to believe it. Even though it hurts so much. I have to set up with the intention of never going back. And years down the road, if we happen to run into each other again, only if I'm long over him, maybe just maybe we could become friends again. But I have to be at the point that I could care less if that happened or not. I can't set out for that. Not if I ever want to get over him. Saying that hurts like hell but I have to break completely free and move on. No matter how much it hurts to do so.

I know now that the kind of friendship I wanted from him was not something I was allowed to have. It was based largely on the feelings I was still having for him. But to just have a cold, feelingless friendship with him, a friendship in which where we would feel nothing at all for each other, I'm not sure I would ever want that. I'm not sure I could ever take that. Not from the first guy I ever loved, even if the feeling were never mutual.

I have had enough of this place for now. Goodbye.