[canadien]

I've hung out with this guy a few times and I'm not sure what to do. We both attend the same design school and are in the same program - I'm a sophomore, he's a senior. I met him at the society meeting. We clicked right off the bat. Throughout our conversations I found out that there were a lot of commonalities - both of us have an enormous amount of siblings, we're both the middle kid, same design styles, we both wanted to be an architect(!) before this program, identical career goals and ambitions, and we both have the same sense of humour. I've gone out with him twice but they're more like social gatherings with his friends than "dates".

His friends are awesome people and I have enjoyed hanging out with him BUT I honestly don't find him physically attractive... At all... I know I sound extremely shallow and selfish, but I'm reaching the point of telling him that I just want to be friends or to say screw it and just go for it. The last time I hung out with him, he was standing and talking to me at an uber close range, but other than that I am certain he likes me. I like him too... in a different kind of way... I just can't get passed the physical part. And it doesn't help that his designs are AMAZING. He's won a lot of national design competitions and I am in complete awe of his talent. I'm pretty sure he wants something more, and he's going to officially ask me out soon... BUT the thing is I'm not sure what I want. I know personality is way more important than looks, but its hard for me to overlook his appearance. What's the best thing to do? Thanks for reading my rant!

[jns]

canadien, as you become older, you will likely discover that a lot that you have been taught or absorbed about physical appearance, really doesn't matter. But, in youth, it certainly seems to matter. What do you find objectionable about him?

[canadien]

canadien, as you become older, you will likely discover that a lot that you have been taught or absorbed about physical appearance, really doesn't matter. But, in youth, it certainly seems to matter. What do you find objectionable about him?

He just isn't really my type... Yes, I know that's kind of a cop out answer - but that's the best way to put it. I usually find tall, muscular, and clean shaven men more attractive and whereas he's lanky (maybe skinnier than me?), bad acne and teeth, and overall kinda geeky looking. I hope that's not to shallow sounding but that's how I feel... My track record for relationships haven't been so great up until now - probably because usually these jock types turn out to be not so nice guys and a little dull during conversations (there's only so much sports talk I can handle)...

I understand that the physicality of someone shouldn't render my overall judgement on that person... But I honestly don't really see myself kissing him. I'm not sure if that's a gradual thing but I feel so awful typing these things out. I'm not usually so judge-y but I need to get some different insight before he tries to go any further. He's such a great guy, I can't bear hurting his feelings by drawing something out that that has absolutely little potential.

[DreamP346]

You are attracted to what you like. There is nothing wrong with having preferences and being physically attracted to a certain type. Not having sometype of physical attraction early in the relationship can be difficult. Its true that in a long term relationship, those type of stuff becomes less important, but not early on. It really depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for something that could turn into a long term meaningful relationship? Are you looking for a partner who has career, money, stability potential? Or are you just looking for a good time? There is nothing wrong with the later, especially at your age.

Answering that question may tell you whether to give him guy a chance.

[claragriffin77]

it happens sometimes that best advice i can give you is follow your heart! everything will follow

[jns]

There is no shame in being attracted to a guy who is tall, muscular and clean shaven. It's just what seems to best best for you.

Lanky will usually disappear with age although I have some friends that have stayed skinny.

He could actually work on the bad teeth (I did on mine) and the acne if he was so inclined. It takes money and time for braces to work, but they do work as an adult. Acne can be attacked on many levels with varying results. Sometimes the results are very good. Of course it would help him to decide to change if he got some encouragement.

I would bet that you like his geekiness when talking about designs, just not in social settings. Do you wish he had confidence and boldness with you? Such traits are more common in athletes than in geeks.

[Ashlee T.]

My thought is that if he is not your type and you know you're not attracted to him...then I'm not sure what there is to question. It sounds like you two can be friends and that's it.... but you need to make that clear to him if you sense that he is wanting more.

You're not shallow for not being attracted to someone.

[NubbinsUp]

Those who have already commented or advised offer valuable perspectives. Very rarely do two people with any kind of attraction share the same kind of attraction with the same intensity. If his feelings for you are of a romantic kind (which it doesn't seem), or a physical magnetism kind (which you sense to be the case), rather than just platonic friendship or intellectual attraction, he will likely have difficulty maintaining a relationship with you feeling the way he does.

Two possibilities that may work in your favor are these: one, he doesn't have a physical attraction to you or want that kind of contact; or two, he'll get over it or control his feelings when he finds out you don't share that kind of attraction.

You can control your actions, and are absolutely responsible for them. However, you can't and shouldn't have to control your feelings. Don't feel the least bit bad because you don't feel any attraction to him. The spark is either there or it isn't. With him it isn't. You do seem to understand your feelings well, and that will serve you well in life. Many people are blinded by good qualities in others and only realize later that they were blinded to the lesser qualities that become difficult to live with later. I'd say you're doing just fine.

[Harmony]

nothing to add, OP,listen to the advice you've received and just remember beauty is only skin deep.

[BabyGirl]

I will reiterate what I told another on here not too long ago. it is time to place him in your Friends/ Family album. This is where you place him gently into the " Here's your Place in My Life ".

Start now, and call him something like Bro or make comments that he is like a Brother to you. " You remind me of my Brother ( if you have one ) or If I had a Brother, he'd be just like you ".

You can also talk with him about a Beau ( Fake or Not ) Something like

"Me and "Mike " are kinda dating , but nothing Serious , I'm concentrating on my Career First and Foremost , But he may be the " One " we are so alike and attracted to each other . But we are both focusing and just keeping it casual for now . Both he and I are too busy to do other than what we have going now . "

Here you are placing Him in a Confidence Mode, Like a Best Friend or even a Brother type .
He will know you are not into Dating or getting Serious at this time, You are also not telling him NO, you are telling him , you have an Interest in another, but a Relationship is on Hold , for now .

When out together in a Gathering or Group, always let others Know you are Buddies or like Bro and Sis . " ( Name ) is so talented, he's like my Adopted Brother and my Mentor , " I may name my first son after him ..

Here you are clearly putting him in that " Family " mode , but also with some Compliments on his talent and personality. This is without you actually saying it, letting him know you value him as a Person, that you respect and Admire him, but at the same time, he will realize how you think of him and that it is not Romantically .

This way he should not be or feel a " Fool " , get his hopes up and feel hurt or upset, instead he would most likely avoid asking you for a more Personal Relationship.

Along with Friendship and if you really do value him and his talents, There are also ways to gently nudge people to seek help for themselves . This can be Delicate, but you could mention a Product that helps with clearer Skin , like Pro active or one of those products.

Bring yourself into it in a Teaching way .
Ohh , don't you hate those Pimples., if a particular large one ,I had them for months, but I used ( name product ) I may have some left, But here's the ( product name ). I know that they ( pimples ) always show up at the wrong time , Interviews and such are so very important aren't they ?

The teeth thing, you may have to " Fake " a Dental appointment and then talk about the cost or help you got .
" I found that ( name Product ) really saved me Money, in the long run . Again, use yourself as the One with or that had the Problem .This dentist was really good with helping me, Things like that ."

He may know he has Problems, Acne and teeth , but he may also ask you for help with them, as in resources, so be prepared to be a Great Friend ( Sissy ).

Lastly, on the Just go for it ? I would not recommend it unless you are Blinded by Love. It would be very Cruel to him and to you to Just have a Short " Quickie " relationship. It's best you go with your Feelings and stay true to them .

This does not mean you will never end up with a Skinny, Wirey, acne pock marked man someday that loves you beyond life and treats you like the Most beautiful Woman on Earth, But if the attraction now is not there, you are fooling yourself and him .