[ShayShay]

Hey so my boyfriend isnt really into kissing, or cuddling really. But lately he's been opening doors for me more often. He does once and a while before. But now its almost anytime we go somewhere. Its kinda cute. But kinda wondering why the sudden change. Men any ideas? Also how can i talk to him about letting me kiss him and cuddle him once and a while without making it sound like i think he's a bad boyfriend. Because he's really not. He's sweet just unknowingly hurts my feelings when he doesnt let me kiss him or cuddle him. Dont think he knows how much it bothers me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Shay,

Having been here for a while, you know we have some great male posters

But, remember and it's in your benefit as well, all can answer your post, male or female.. It's an open Forum.

Can I ask you please. You say he "won't let you" kiss or cuddle him... Can you elaborate for our readers .

Also age.. And, what you know of his family background.

This I think can effect the answers that you get.

CW

[ShayShay]

His parents are divorced idk what really your wanting with family background. His Mom is a Shrink, His Dad is a Doctor. He has three younger brothers no sisters. thats what i can think of. What i mean by he wont let me is he pulls away when i try to kiss him or complains i want to touch him to much when i try to be a bit closer. He doesn't like being touched. We live together and there's no intimacy. There's sex sure but it doesn't feel intimate. I don't know how much he likes me if he does. And i have to remind myself that he does. What would make him like this? He's been like this with the relationships i've seen him in. (high school together) And i thought maybe he was more affectionate when he was alone with the girl and really didnt like pda. But this is just how he is and i don't know how he communicates that he likes somebody without actually touching the person. As for age Im 20 he's 21

[Stillness]

Maybe he's pampering you. Maybe he's taking the lead by directing you to go where he opens. Maybe he thinks you like it. Maybe all of the above. Why? I don't know. Possibilities: To demonstrate that he cares. His feelings towards you are developing. He's trying to be a good man. It's not a bad sign if you're serious. You could always ask him if you really want to know or you could just go with the flow.

On the lack of affection and intimacy, that has nothing to do with being a man. It's individual. I don't know what to tell you besides communicate. You also have to accept that the rest of your relationship may be like that because he may never change. I've been in a relationship with mismatched needs for a decade and a half and it hasn't substantially improved. People are just different. Figure out if you can live with it before your lives become any more intertwined.

[rcoreyus]

Just a wild guess: Maybe he knows that he isn't being physically affectionate enough and is trying to make up for it by doing other things for you like opening doors. He may have some hangup about physical closeness - and knows its an issue but can't change it.

[Pollon]

The chivalry could have been prompted by something as simple as a comment made by a friend over a beer.

"Hey bro, you know my girlfriend thinks guys should open doors for women. She said it's the sign of a real man."

And there you go, his arms are getting stronger with all the doors he's pulling on.

It's not really important where he got the idea. If you like it, let him know. If you want it to stop, don't say anything and it will probably fade.

As for the affection, Google the 5 Love Languages. It will give you some interesting insight into his behavior and your own. It may also help you explain to him why it is important to you.

That he actually dislikes being touched is significant. If being touched is important to you, then don't ignore it. You don't want to be 5 years into a marriage with two little babies and find yourself so starved for touch that you become vulnerable to extramarital activities.

[ShayShay]

I've read it. But he hates books like that. So i dont know how to talk to him about it and i dont want to make him feel like hes a bad guy.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I asked the question regarding his background growing up for a reason, thank you for answering.

In my opinion. A Doctor, a Shrink which is a Doctor, often work so many hours.

I wonder if they were there for their children or palmed them off a lot. Whether he does not know how to love, but was always bought up with respect, hense the opening doors etc.

[Pollon]

Being a bad boyfriend and being a mismatch are not the same thing. He can be a great boyfriend, but if he cannot give you what you need, you have a mismatch. If he refuses to even try, he's a bad boyfriend (inattentive and disrespectful). The point of dating, in my mind, is to find a good fit for the long-term. So if he refuses to even try to meet what is an important relationship need of yours, then it is probably time to reconsider the relationship and/or whether you can give up the desire for affection without resentment.

"Honey, you know we've talked about how I really enjoy touching and you don't. Well this is really important to me and I don't think I can live the rest of my life with this level of affection. So I need to know if you are willing to work on this. I understand I may not get everything I want, but I need more than this. Will you try?"

Then gauge his response. I suspect he will agree to try. However, that isn't good enough. I would suggest specific amounts and forms of affection you need and a deadline for him to get there. If getting some outside help is needed, then he's got to join you for that.

[ShayShay]

Well also my thing is if he doesnt like touching me will he be resentful about it? Like it was a chore? I know when i dont like to do something it gets annoying. Is this diffrent?