[Beccalouise]

My boyfriend has admitted to this, and we both know that he can come off as flirty with other girls. He's similar to me, I've always gotten along better with guys that girls, and he's always gotten along better with girls than guys. I don't think I'm flirty towards guys and he hasn't brought that up, but it was him that brought up that he thinks he can come off as flirty to girls.

Basically, I'm going to be working nights on weekends starting this weekend. We don't go out clubbing much, but when we do we've always been with each other. Recently we went out with one of his friends and met another couple that has been together for 7 years and are getting married soon, so I don't think I'd have to worry there. He's talked about going out with them and his friend one night while I'm in work, but he's said he'll feel weird going out without me. The thing is, a lot of girls before he got with me thought that he liked them because he's quite friendly with girls, he winds them up in a way that most girls would take as flirting and I actually don't like this, because even though I know he wouldn't flirt with other girls, it does look like that sometimes and it bothers me. I'm worried about him talking to another girl on this night out and her getting the wrong idea because he's without me and trying to get into him. I trust him and I know this is just how he is, but I still worry

We actually decided to get engaged the other day and we're just waiting for the ring for it to be official, this was both of our ideas and I trust him a lot. He says that if a girl comes onto him, he's simply going to say he's engaged so that they know.

I know I can't change him and I don't want to, but how can I deal with a soon-to-be fiancee that seems that he flirts with other girls?

[Stillness]

What does he do that makes it appear he's flirting?

[Sabeeta10]

flirty boyfriend

flirty guys are hard to handle if we do not act maturely. they can ruin ones life as well as they will not want to be in long term relationship or they are not serious about their love. straight avoid flirty guys. whenever we make friends we need to be careful. most flirt guys want attention hence to avoid them is good.

[KMonte85]

Is he flirty or is he friendly? Too often by today's standards, a person who is being polite, kind, or engaging is looked at though they are flirty. Your guy shouldn't be mistrusted for merely being friendly.

He already told you what he's going to do, which seems very reasonable. If he goes out and gets hit on, he'll let any girls who get the wrong idea or come on to him that he's happily taken. That's all you can ask for, really. What more could he do?

Try to calm your fears as best you can. From what you've written about him here, he seems like a great guy who is very much in love with you and you alone. If you trust him enough to marry him, you should trust him enough to be loyal to you, even if he gets hit on, even when you're not around.

[HisGirl]

I don’t have advice to offer for how to deal with your feelings on this. I can offer advice on what not to do though. Try not to get angry with him and make him feel he’s doing something wrong. It’s his personality, its who he is. If you question him over and over and make him defend himself over and over, it'll build resentment. My husband deals with this by getting angry and making threats. It’s not a healthy way.

How exactly does he wind them up? I think that's an important piece of information. You said he has no ill intentions and no sexual attraction to those he flirts with. If this is true, time will show that your trust in him is not misplaced.

[Beccalouise]

Sorry, when I posted this I was on my phone so I couldn't really type much.

Anyway. I think it's that he's just friendly, but to the girl he's being friendly towards, it may seem like he's flirting. Silly things really, like that night we were out with the other couple, he was saying to me and our other friend's that he was going to wind her up by putting ice down her top (he's done this to me before), but in the end he ended up not doing it because 1. He didn't think it was right putting it down the front of her top (as he has a girlfriend and she was with her fiancee), and 2. He didn't want to put it down the back because it might get in her hair.

As I said, he's always gotten along with girls as appose to guys similar to me, and I have no problem with that. The main problem is, he has a friend of 2 years that is a girl, before he got with me, he had a 'thing' with her, but it went no further than kissing because, from what he told me, he didn't want to actually be with her. I'm not sure if there's another reason for that or if it was because at the time, she was 16 and he was 18. They still talk now and he always assures me they are only friends and that's how they always will be, she was also the first person he told about us getting engaged (so he told me), but truthfully, I don't like the way they talk to each other. I've accidentally seen messages before and the way they talk is as if they're flirting. Because they've had a thing before, I worry that it actually is flirting and not just being friendly.

He is indeed a great guy and is really a big softie inside (people thought he was moody and horrible in college when we first met), I just worry that a girl would try something on with him because they think he's flirting with them. Like I've said to him, it's not him I don't trust, it's the girl's in our town.

The way he winds them up is sort of the typical flirty thing you do in high school (he's not immature but that's just what he's like), like with a friend of mine in college, he used to kind of nudge her and poke her and pretend to trip her up, wind her up verbally by teasing her and to me, or to girls around here (not sure if it's different to other people), they would take that as flirting, as I think my friend did. I think my friend thought he liked her (this was before we got together) when in fact he liked me, and he said he would never get with her because she's not really his 'type', but that's just how he is (he used to wind me up like that, too)

Trusting him isn't the issue, it's the other girls he is friendly towards that may think he's flirting with her, he won't stop acting like this because that's just how he is, it just sometimes bother's me in case he actually is flirting, but he's admitted to him being friendly may come off as flirty, so it's not just me being stupid.

[Pollon]

Sorry but touching, nudging and putting ice down a girl's shirt (winding them up, as you call it) are, in fact, FLIRTING behaviors. It is a probing of physical boundaries that any normal girl would interpret as his desire for MORE physical contact.

Because he doesn't intend to go further doesn't mean the girls don't think he wants to. If they are interested in him, their obvious next reciprocal move would be to test his boundaries with a grab, hug, kiss, etc.

Out of respect for his relationship with you, he should stop INVITING girls to test his boundaries.

Intentional "flirty" touching should stop. If he really wanted to ward off those flirty women, he might offer to wear a ring--though that could be an invitation to some women.

If any objective observer would say to themselves "I thought he was dating Becca. Are they still together?" after watching his behavior with other women, then he is out of line.

You don't have to demand that he stop. Try explaining how what he does sends the wrong message and is disrespectful to you. Then see how he responds.

Good luck

[Beccalouise]

The thing is, he was like that with my friend before me and him got together when we liked each other, and even a few weeks after we got together, but I told him I think he should stop because I KNEW my friend would take that as flirting and would end up liking him, I knew how she worked, she easily falls for someone. So he stopped, because he was with me.

The thing with the ice cubes, as I said, he didn't do it in the end, because he thought about how it would look. He's done it with me before but that's fine because we're together, but after that night and what he was saying, I doubt he would actually do it to another girl, whether I was there or not, whether her boyfriend was there or not.

I accept this is just how he is and I know he wouldn't go any further and I know he wouldn't cheat on me, my biggest fear is what would happen if a girl came onto him, when both of them had been drinking. It's very unlikely he would be drunk as it takes a LOT for him to get drunk, and he was only drunk one time when he hadn't ate. It's the girl that's coming onto him that may be drunk and may not back off even if he tells her to.

I've had something similar happen with an ex, but neither of them were drunk. He was round her house because she was actually a family friend and a family member went round to see this girl's mother, my ex only wanted to be friends with her but this girl obviously liked him more and she apparently kissed him, but he didn't carry on kissing her or kiss her back. I wasn't there, and the fact he told me months after it happened has made me a bit weary with this sort of thing. How could I trust him that he didn't kiss her back when he told me months after it happened? I fear something similar might happen with my boyfriend

[Stillness]

I understand innocent actions being interpreted the wrong way.

When I was around 18ish, all of my friends started suddenly (to me) teasing me, singing these weird songs, and smiling at me. It would be the beginning of years of teasing. I had no clue what was going on. Then my female friends started asking me about my intentions toward one of our classmates. I had none. Absolutely zero interest. I liked her ok as a person, but she was unattractive to me. The feeling was not mutual, because she was really into me. I asked one of my best friends (now my wife) what was going on. I didn't understand how all of these rumors, questions, and attraction had arisen when I barely knew this girl.

It happened one night when a bunch of us were watching a movie. Somehow this young lady's head ended up on my lap and I was stroking her head with my hand for the majority of the movie. I hadn't even remembered it until my friend reminded me.

I felt so stupid. I knew exactly what happened. She was so far off my radar as a romantic interest that her head on my lap triggered the same response that my cats did when they'd lay on my lap - completely innocent and completely stupid. To her and everyone else it looked like I was leading her on. She wouldn't take "no" for an answer either. That was the worst of it. I could deal with the teasing. But having a person who has no chance be into me because I "flirted" makes me feel sad and guilty. I don't ever, ever want to be in that situation again.

That's why saying, "it's just my personality" does not work for me. If you're just being nice and someone takes it as more, then that's on them. People are going to misinterpret. People are going to develop crushes. That's life. The question is whether or not you bear responsibility for it. We have to be conscious of our actions. Mature people don't do and say everything that pops into their heads. If I had continued rubbing people's heads after that incident then I couldn't have rightly claimed innocence and hid behind it just being my personality. The fact that he thought about the consequences of "winding someone up" is good. One of the other things I ask myself is, "Would I do or say this to a man?" If the answer is no, then it's probably not a good thing to do or say to a woman.

Incidentally, I did go with her to her sorority's semi-formal ball a few months later. I had a nice time with her. She was a nice person. I figured we wouldn't be alone and could just be friends and she could see what I saw - that besides the fact that I liked to stroke fur and she liked to be stroked, we were not really compatible. I didn't hear anything much from her after that. Of course, my friends went into a teasing frenzy afterward. Because we were an "interracial couple" our "romance" was taboo and illicit, so we had to hide it. They would sing the Atlantic Starr song "Secret Lovers." Me denying it intensified their insistence that this was going on. About 15 years later my wife and I ran into her and her husband. They looked happy.

[Pollon]

I won't reenter what I wrote before. Your boyfriend's behavior invites the exact thing you are afraid will happen--a girl coming on to him. Out of respect for you and your relationship, he should stop inviting girls into his "space" with his flirting.

You can make all the excuses for him that you want, but it doesn't change the fact that what he does is not helpful to your relationship. Obviously you agree or you wouldn't be posting here. Explain it to him, ask him to stop and then pay very close attention to whether or not he changes his behavior. His response tells you how much he respects you and values your relationship.