[VanillaCoke19]

So here's whats going on:
My fiance and I live together, have our wedding set for May of 2014, and have been together since march 1st, 2012. Recently the cold feet thing has reared it's ugly head with my fiance. This prompted him to tell me that he feel regret at never having slept with more than the two other women besides me especially since he only slept with each of them once making his third time ever having sex the first time he had sex with me. He proceeded to express concern over us potentially falling apart because of his regret. I suggested we open the relationship until may first and then go back to being monogamous for the rest of forever so that he can sow his wild oats and not feel like he missed out on something. After doing this, before he'd even talked to anyone we set down the ground rules and agreed on them. I am free to go off too if I feel the need to but I've already done my exploring and have zero interest in other people so I'll be staying with just him.

More recently he's found at least one girl who knows the full extent of the situation and is up for things. I've become cripplingly jealous simply from him talking to her. We talked about it and I felt better. However, he then tried to casually extend this arrangement indefinitely to the point of when he feels like he's done with it. This threw me off the deep end and I tried to break things off because I cannot deal with that and never will be able to. Dealing with it until May might kill me so until he's "done" sure isn't going to happen. I know he loves me because he tells me all of the time and when I tried to leave he freaked out, crying and everything and agreed to end the open relationship before the wedding again understanding fully that if he doesn't do so I will leave him. I love him very much and honestly don't want to leave but I'm feeling neglected, psychotic, clingy, and all around jealous to an insane, debilitating degree.

I'm having a hard time understanding how he can really love me but want to sleep with other women even though I can understand the need to explore more before settling down, especially for guys since doing so is the societal norm. I'm also taking any little request from him to just have a bit of space (I'm a very physical person and he's less so which is normally fine but right now I'm being neurotic about it) especially hard to the point where it leaves me in tears for the entire night because I feel shunned, unloved, and like it somehow relates to him wanting to be with other women more than me. Basically I've become a very insecure person and I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the jealousy I'm feeling since I've never felt jealousy in my life. He keeps reminding me that he's marrying me and loves me and never wants me to leave even when he's clearly irritated with me bringing it all up and being upset about it every day. I would call off the whole thing entirely but we both know that the regret he'd feel over having not had the chance to explore sexually before he met me would breed resentment and cause us to get divorced even if we made it to the aisle especially since he had the chance to make up for it and would then have it taken away and I have to say if I were in his spot I very well would probably feel the same way. We both want this to work but I feel like I'm not only falling apart but that the negative emotions I'm experianceing are going to ruin our relationship.

Is my only logical option leaving and having both his and my hearts broken or is there something I can do to get this under control? Has anyone been in something like this before? How did it turn out? What did you do to combat jealousy? How can I reconcile my increased need for attention (which is unreasonable since at this point it's constant) with his more restrained affection and how can I prevent myself from letting it convince me that he wants nothing to do with me?

f.y.i, venting seems to really help but I have no one to vent to since I've only told three of my friends and one is playing the "whatever you decide is right" game, one things I'm stupid for doing it, and the other now thinks that my fiance is horrible for even thinking about other women ever and that I deserve someone better (i.e., a guy from a romance novel that does not exist). Just someone please provide me with perspective on this because I'm very clearly too close and I know very well that I over think things to death. Anything is appreciated.

[VanillaCoke19]

Also, it's not the sex that bothers me it's what goes on before the sex. The talking, the laughing, the relating. I don't want him to do that. I'm terrified that he'll fall in love with one of them and leave me. He says he won't fall for any of them that he doesn't want anything emotional, just sex so he's not missed out but I'm having a hard time trusting anything he says when I'm upset even though he's been completely honest with me about everything since I met him. I just want him to go ahead and sleep with someone else so that he can come home to me and I can see that everything is just fine and the same as it was so I can stop worrying.

[Stillness]

You mentioned that you allowing this has to do with you having the experience. Do his feelings have to do with jealousy over that or is he completely cool with your history?

[VanillaCoke19]

He says he's fine with what I've experienced. I even gave him the free pass to sleep with enough women to surpass the number of men I've slept with and he said it really wasn't about numbers at all. He just feels like he needs to make sure he's not missing out on anything since his plan is to never ever leave me and he says he certainly won't cheat on me ever. I mean when my jealousy and insecurity isn't set off by something it's all perfectly fine but when I hit a trigger it's a huge mess.

[Stillness]

Sometimes jealousy can be improper and unbalanced. But sometimes it's a natural, healthy defense mechanism toward a dangerous situation. In this case I think it's the later.

I don't have any advice on how to make an openr relationship work because I don't think it can, especially not with someone that wants monogamy. He's not ready. You're giving him a deadline and he's already told you that it's not enough. You're chasing the wind.

It's really hard for two people moving in the same direction to make it work. It's near impossible if they're tugging in different directions or one is being pulled. And you and he may not know this, but contrary to popular opinion, while most people can do feelingless one night stands, the same does not work for sexual relationships. Men are not very different from women here. There are a lot of men in this community you can ask. You could even make a separate thread or do a search for friends with benefits and see how often it works.

[Claret]

Also, it's not the sex that bothers me it's what goes on before the sex. The talking, the laughing, the relating. I don't want him to do that. I'm terrified that he'll fall in love with one of them and leave me. He says he won't fall for any of them that he doesn't want anything emotional, just sex so he's not missed out but I'm having a hard time trusting anything he says when I'm upset even though he's been completely honest with me about everything since I met him. I just want him to go ahead and sleep with someone else so that he can come home to me and I can see that everything is just fine and the same as it was so I can stop worrying.

This almost reads like you want him to see a prostitute rather than allowing him to select his sexual partners. If he is to select his sexual partners he needs to talk, laugh and relate to them before he knows if he want to sleep with them. Maybe you're allowing this out of guilt, maybe he is guilting you into telling him it's ok to have sex with other women. If you have second thoughts about all of this happening you need to tell him so. Maybe another partner is really not what he want, maybe he wants out of the marriage thing completely for now. You may want to see if you should postpone the wedding indefinitely for now and remove all pressure from both of you. I can't see this working in the long term and I can't see your relationship surviving this infidelity (and that is what it would be).

[VanillaCoke19]

oh he's not allowed to have relationships, just one night stands and he only wants the one night stands. Also, he's insistent that he wants to get married in May and I've asked him repeatedly if he is because of his wish to experience other people before being married. That's the only reason I didn't leave him right then or call off the wedding at the very least because he wants to move forward with us. He just doesn't want regrets and I think he might be over estimating how much exploring he wants to do. From what he's already said it sounds like he wants a max of two new partners on his list and he thought I was nuts at suggesting the "huge" number of 4 to be his limit on people (he actually said that was a huge number and that he didn't care about "catching up" to me). He basically wanted to see if he could have the same set up forever in case the desire ever struck later down the line so he could act on it and it be "okay". I mean really so far there's logically no problem and the arrangement is going to be short lived, I just need to know how to cope with negative emotions I've never had to deal with before so that we can make it through the arrangement without me destroying our relationship because something set me off. I agree with you that open relationships don't work, at least not if the goal is for there to be a second relationship but no emotional attachment is allowed because as humans that is what we do, we get attached. If he weren't so dead set on marrying me I would think I'm pushing him but since he's so insistent on it I'm not concerned that he's doing anything he doesn't want to. He says he feels bad for even wanting to go off with other women but he doesn't want any regrets that could turn to resentment and I believe that he does fell bad because he shows it when we talk about it.

[VanillaCoke19]

I know he has to talk to them and such which is the part that gets me upset and I'm most certainly not allowing it out of guilt. I could care less where he puts his penis so long as he loves me and comes back to me every night. I just have deep seated insecurities that make me think that he'll find someone better and easier than me and will fall in love with them and leave me. This comes from my lack of self worth stemming from my idea that I'm damaged goods since I'm chronically ill due to my auto immune disease. I know it's hard to be with me sometimes and I'm always worried that the day I do get really sick and it gets really hard that I'll be abandoned. I see it happen in the hospital I work at all the time. Things get difficult and stressful and the lady with cancer ends up losing her husband to the cute healthy blonde girl who still has all her hair and an abundance of energy. It makes me worry that he'll talk to them and realize that they aren't sick and are so much easier to be with and will leave. I know it's irrational because he's already been with me when I've been just shy of hospitalization before and he took care of me and always says he'll always be there for me but it's still a deep seated fear. It makes it hard for me to know he's talking to really anything female, friends included, without getting a little upset.

[Claret]

This also worries me. Why do you value yourself so low that you would accept your future husband to have affairs, or at the very least have sex with multiple partners? If this is truly a case of you being chronically ill due to an autoimmune disease, just wait until he brings home an STD. How does your body fight and cope with that. I have a chronic autoimmune disease (more than one actually) but I would no more tell my husband (or future husband) go ahead it's ok if you cheat to catch up or surpass me in lovers. If you want to have an open relationship because that is what both of you truly want and agree upon that's one thing. But just to tell him to go ahead to appease him is completely another.
And, from working in the hospitals and having great role models in my parents, I know for a fact that you can be really really ill, have no life outside of a hospital and still be totally devoted to each other. I've seen an 89 yo man, come to the critical care unit each day for over 4 years to visit his wife that has had a stroke, is uncommunicative and can't even move. That's love. I saw my Mother work herself to the bone caring for my father who had his stroke at age 49 and she cared for him at home until he died just short of his 64th birthday. That was love. And no he couldn't perform, but she didn't care.
Don't sell yourself short. Sick or not, it's no reason to grasp at straws because it may be a way of keeping him with you. You have value and worth in yourself that should be enough for him.

[DreamP346]

Although you guys talked about it first, it doesn't seem like you covered all the details, which is understandable since this is the first time you have been in this situation. This requires a lot of negotiating on both your parts. My suggestion is to see a sex therapist to help negotiate boundaries and feelings. Here are some other things to sort out.

Open relationships can mean a lot of things. If seems like for you it just means plain old intercourse. I am guessing you assumed it would be something like him going to a bar, buying a girl a drink, going back to her place, then leaving without spending the night or even remembering her name. No phone numbers were exchanged. But the fact your fiance had such few sexual partners, I am guessing he is not that adept at being a pick-up artist and requires more time to romance a women to get her into bed. That is what you didn't expect and are having a difficult time dealing with. Unfortunately I don't have the solution of this situation. You two need to sort it out. Maybe its limit his sex to prostitutes or you accept that some level of emotions will be involved. It doesn't necessary mean he is falling in love, but he will be developing some level of relationship with this other woman.

The other issue is disclosure. It sounds like he tells you everything that is going on with the other woman (or makes it obvious). However, it doesn't sound like you want to know the details. You sound like you would rather not know anything as long as it doesn't change your current relationship and the amount of time you two spend together. Again, something you two need to negotiate. Maybe your fiance gets off on parading his conquests. Maybe that's more important that the actual sex. I can't answer that. You two need to discuss that.

As you can see, there is still a lot of discussing to do and negotiating. That is why seeing a sex therapist will be helpful.