I'm 23 and I lost my mother two years ago to ALS. When I was 10 she had a brain stroke and somehow came out of it with few problems. Because of that, I had a sometimes crippling fear of losing her, so when we found out her diagnoses, I went through some very intense pre-grieving, to a point where I became very ill. During the time my mum was most ill, it was heart-warming to see all our friends and relatives reach out to her. My close group of friends were always there if I needed them, but they also gave me my space as well if I asked.
I continued to receive support for a month or two after my mum passed away. And then suddenly, it was radio silence. I was aware that I was receiving more attention during that time, so I prepared myself to not expect more than a small fraction of that support. I've been dissapointed by friendships in the past, so I knew that there was only a small group of friends that I could turn to.
The problem was that suddenly no one contacted me. I didn't let it get to me, though I did think it strange, and I went out of my way to contact them instead. Our interactions, for the most part, were pretty normal. I didn't sense anything uncomfortable. I assumed I was hearing from them less because I had moved back home away from my university town- it is only a 35 minute drive between my home and campus but it does make it harder to see each other. I kept on telling that to myself, but it grew to bother me over time. I reached out to two of my friends and I told them my feelings. I was clear that I wasn't angry with them, I was just confused and telling them my own perception of things. I told them that I knew I was in an emotionally vulnerable place so it was likely that I was reading into things too much, that I really just wanted to feel acknowledged and not forgotten. Things went well for the next few months with those two friends, but then it tapered off again until it was nothing. I would still think of them and let then know (ex. read an article or see a funny image and I would send it to them with a little blurb of my own) quite frequently. Even something small like that would have felt nice to recieve- it makes you feel like people are thinking about you, even if it's just a small gesture.
By the following year, my friends graduated university together, so I knew that I was also feeling sad about missing out on that experience with them as well, which could effect my perceptions. Two of my friends sent me small birthday gifts, but what I really wanted was a card or to see them in person. I commuted down to my university town a few times to visit, but it was never reciprocated even though several of them were from my same hometown and had cars, unlike myself.
I definitely felt hurt, but I also still wanted to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. They all had jobs now, and several of them were in long-term relationships (both partners being close friends of mine from uni as well). When I was ready to go back to school, I was excited by the prospect that I would now be close to my friends again, even though I was still in school and they were now in their 'adult' lives. I was dissapointed again, but at least I visited them a few times.
I went home for the summer break and I heard nothing from my friends for the four months I was at home. I found out later that some had made regular visits into our hometown for visiting other friends, but I was never told with one exception at the end of the summer, where I got to see one of my friends for only a brief visit. Two of my friends were actually living back at home and I only saw one of them once. I used to live within walking distance to most of my friends houses in high school, but my family had to move to a home we could convert into a handicap-friendly residence in another part of town. Several of my friends lived within 10 houses from me at my old home- surely if I still lived there and they were home or having a get together with our mutual friends, I would also be invited. Why is it so different now that I live 15 minutes away?
Now I'm back at school again and all of my efforts to reach out to my friends have been futile- there's always a commitment, and they never suggest a different time they're free. My best friend has a job on campus this semester so I went to visit her during her lunch break. No hug, in fact there was almost no excitement on her part. She did say she was very tired....We made plans that were cancelled several times. Finally we arranged a night that would work. I had mentioned to her that I was seeing a new grief counsellor and that I might need to talk to her in case I went through a bad downward spiral. My friend said it wouldn't be a problem. A few days later, I got a message asking if it would be alright if we just met up for dinner because she got free tickets to a play that same night and wanted to go. I told her that we should just do lunch again the next day instead of trying to have a hurried dinner that night. When I asked her how the play was the next day, she told me how it was just a student-run production that her friend had mentioned to her- that she didn't even know what it was about before going and that it was unsurprisingly quite bad. Apparently it was more important than our evening together.
How is it that all of my friendships have simultaneously combusted? Are people THAT uncomfortable with death that they're willing to be insensitive friends? My dad believes that I have always been too empathetic with people to a point where it's now causing me to be so affected by my friendships, or lack thereof.
I spoke to two different grief counsellors who said that it was actually common to feel this way about friendships while grieving. I just didn't realize that every single one of my friendships would be so affected. I know the difference between those friendships you know only occurred because you were the same age living on the same block going to the same schools. But then there are those few special friendships that seem unbreakable- those friendships you believe will be there during a difficult time.
The strange thing that has come out of this is that I now realize we can only depend on ourselves. I used to really dislike myself, but I've grown to love who I am and what I believe in. But I still feel lonely and abandoned. I can't speak for all of my friends, but I doubt they are consciously abandoning our friendship. They are better people than that. But it still feels like abandonment.
Has anyone who has gone through an extremely difficult emotional situation had a similar experience? What did you do?
I continued to receive support for a month or two after my mum passed away. And then suddenly, it was radio silence. I was aware that I was receiving more attention during that time, so I prepared myself to not expect more than a small fraction of that support. I've been dissapointed by friendships in the past, so I knew that there was only a small group of friends that I could turn to.
The problem was that suddenly no one contacted me. I didn't let it get to me, though I did think it strange, and I went out of my way to contact them instead. Our interactions, for the most part, were pretty normal. I didn't sense anything uncomfortable. I assumed I was hearing from them less because I had moved back home away from my university town- it is only a 35 minute drive between my home and campus but it does make it harder to see each other. I kept on telling that to myself, but it grew to bother me over time. I reached out to two of my friends and I told them my feelings. I was clear that I wasn't angry with them, I was just confused and telling them my own perception of things. I told them that I knew I was in an emotionally vulnerable place so it was likely that I was reading into things too much, that I really just wanted to feel acknowledged and not forgotten. Things went well for the next few months with those two friends, but then it tapered off again until it was nothing. I would still think of them and let then know (ex. read an article or see a funny image and I would send it to them with a little blurb of my own) quite frequently. Even something small like that would have felt nice to recieve- it makes you feel like people are thinking about you, even if it's just a small gesture.
By the following year, my friends graduated university together, so I knew that I was also feeling sad about missing out on that experience with them as well, which could effect my perceptions. Two of my friends sent me small birthday gifts, but what I really wanted was a card or to see them in person. I commuted down to my university town a few times to visit, but it was never reciprocated even though several of them were from my same hometown and had cars, unlike myself.
I definitely felt hurt, but I also still wanted to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. They all had jobs now, and several of them were in long-term relationships (both partners being close friends of mine from uni as well). When I was ready to go back to school, I was excited by the prospect that I would now be close to my friends again, even though I was still in school and they were now in their 'adult' lives. I was dissapointed again, but at least I visited them a few times.
I went home for the summer break and I heard nothing from my friends for the four months I was at home. I found out later that some had made regular visits into our hometown for visiting other friends, but I was never told with one exception at the end of the summer, where I got to see one of my friends for only a brief visit. Two of my friends were actually living back at home and I only saw one of them once. I used to live within walking distance to most of my friends houses in high school, but my family had to move to a home we could convert into a handicap-friendly residence in another part of town. Several of my friends lived within 10 houses from me at my old home- surely if I still lived there and they were home or having a get together with our mutual friends, I would also be invited. Why is it so different now that I live 15 minutes away?
Now I'm back at school again and all of my efforts to reach out to my friends have been futile- there's always a commitment, and they never suggest a different time they're free. My best friend has a job on campus this semester so I went to visit her during her lunch break. No hug, in fact there was almost no excitement on her part. She did say she was very tired....We made plans that were cancelled several times. Finally we arranged a night that would work. I had mentioned to her that I was seeing a new grief counsellor and that I might need to talk to her in case I went through a bad downward spiral. My friend said it wouldn't be a problem. A few days later, I got a message asking if it would be alright if we just met up for dinner because she got free tickets to a play that same night and wanted to go. I told her that we should just do lunch again the next day instead of trying to have a hurried dinner that night. When I asked her how the play was the next day, she told me how it was just a student-run production that her friend had mentioned to her- that she didn't even know what it was about before going and that it was unsurprisingly quite bad. Apparently it was more important than our evening together.
How is it that all of my friendships have simultaneously combusted? Are people THAT uncomfortable with death that they're willing to be insensitive friends? My dad believes that I have always been too empathetic with people to a point where it's now causing me to be so affected by my friendships, or lack thereof.
I spoke to two different grief counsellors who said that it was actually common to feel this way about friendships while grieving. I just didn't realize that every single one of my friendships would be so affected. I know the difference between those friendships you know only occurred because you were the same age living on the same block going to the same schools. But then there are those few special friendships that seem unbreakable- those friendships you believe will be there during a difficult time.
The strange thing that has come out of this is that I now realize we can only depend on ourselves. I used to really dislike myself, but I've grown to love who I am and what I believe in. But I still feel lonely and abandoned. I can't speak for all of my friends, but I doubt they are consciously abandoning our friendship. They are better people than that. But it still feels like abandonment.
Has anyone who has gone through an extremely difficult emotional situation had a similar experience? What did you do?
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