[Wondering_Star]

I've been dating my SO now for nearly 5 years. A little into the relationship I found out that he was addicted to codeine. I was ok with it, mainly because I was 18 and had no idea what that really meant. Now, after four and a bit years I am fully aware of what it means. I gave him an ultimatum about 6 months ago that if he didn't stop taking it all together that I would break up with him. We were in the processes of making plans to move from Australia to London to live on a working visa, so, part of that ultimatum meant that we wouldn't be be moving, at least not together anyway. So he sobered up (as he had done many times before) but as this time lasted months longer than before I thought it had worked this time.

Long story short, he and I now live in London together. I found out yesterday that he has been taking codeine for a few weeks because he's been 'stressed' about not finding a job in time and running out of money. He now has a job, I am doing temp work, we have a place to live, we have a few of his friends that live here, yet he is still using.

I really don't know what to do. It seemed like he was doing really well and was sobering up. Now, it's all backfired and I'm in another country without much of a social network or anyone to talk to of comfort me/ give me advice on the situation. When I confront my SO he said "if you had something that you knew would make you feel instantly better, wouldn't you take it whenever you felt bad?" he is trying to justify taking it again and I just wont accept the excuse. I know what he is like when he is high and what he is like when he is on it and he becomes someone I don't want to be around. BUT, what am I supposed to do now that I have moved country with him?? It seems he will never stop. I don't know if I can be with someone like that forever?

Has anyone here been in a relationship with a drug addict before? How long did it last? What did you do, stand by him/ her and support them? Or leave before it ruined your own life?

Sorry it's so long, thanks for reading.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[jen1447]

I've never been in a relationship with a drug addict, but I can't see how this could end well for you unless you're content to live this way for the rest of your life.

There are times when we just need to cut our losses for our own sake. There are also times when we have to let somebody go we care about, because they can't be saved, no matter how hard we try. I think that's most common with people who have drug dependencies. It's not just your mind and his mind, it's this other thing in between that doesn't really answer to either of you. Like it or not, sometimes it just can't be beat, and unless you want to dedicate your life to the shadowy possibility that it can, you just have to turn the page and accept it for what it is.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wondering, point him out to an article about the drug as he has an addiction and one that will kill him eventually, if he doesn't stop, or, give him seizures, depression, lack of sex drive, brain damage.

Don't ask him to stop for you, your future together. Bottom line honestly, if he can't stop you will make the right choice for your life. Unfortunately this has been going on for a long time, in one way fortunately, he's still young but "just" as far as addictions go and at any time he could have a seizure or go into a coma by going over the top with this, or adding alcohol to the mix..

This is not your future and I understand that. But he needs to go and seek help to establish "why" he needs this high when he's down.. We all get down in life but we cope.. He can't.

Something has troubled him from a child/teenager that he can't let go of. Telling someone to stop for you and they do is admirable, asking them to continue and never look back if they are an addict? Almost impossible if they haven't work out the route of the cause of the problem to start with.

Good luck in England. I'll enjoy the lovely weather here in Australia

Keep your chin up.

[jns]

I've not been in a relationship with someone who is a drug addict, but I was there when a friend started shooting heroin. It took his personality, which was a little twisted, but basically good and turned it into one that was completely self centered. He was no longer fun to be around. His father flew across the continent to confront him as he was burning through money at an amazing rate (he was living on an allowance). Shortly thereafter he moved a thousand miles away because he thought that that would get him away from the supply and get his head straightened out. We lost touch after that.

Many drug addicts can be very charming and the life of the party. Holding it all together is not something they can usually do. My advice is to get out now. Standing by him will ruin your life.

[Wondering_Star]

Thanks for the advice.

point him out to an article about the drug as he has an addiction and one that will kill him eventually, if he doesn't stop, or, give him seizures, depression, lack of sex drive, brain damage.

I had never thought about that before. I have tried telling him that what his doing could lead to this happening, but he just beleives that his "habbit" isn't as bad. Which I guess all addicts will tell you **sigh** but maybe it's worth a try...

There are also times when we have to let somebody go we care about, because they can't be saved, no matter how hard we try.

This is something that I've heard quite a bit...maybe I should start listening, but part of me doesn't want to or at least doesn't know how to cope with the aftermath of letting go, if you know what I mean?

I know what you mean about the whole losing their personality thing, jns. I can alway tell when he's had it coz his mood changes dramatically and I'm hardly a priority in anything (without sounding like a diva!). I Still love him and I had so much faith that he could get through this. Not sure if I should just go back home and leave him here or try and create a whole new life here without him? It's so hard!

Good luck in England. I'll enjoy the lovely weather here in Australia

haha so jelly!!

[jen1447]

This is something that I've heard quite a bit...maybe I should start listening, but part of me doesn't want to or at least doesn't know how to cope with the aftermath of letting go, if you know what I mean?

I do know what you mean ....there's an assumption out there that the only victims in relationships are those who get dumped, but it's not really true. Sometimes those who do the dumping (or who are forced to) suffer as much or more, for various reasons. It's never easy letting go of someone you care about, but that doesn't change the fact that sometimes it's the right thing to do.

Not sure if I should just go back home and leave him here or try and create a whole new life here without him? It's so hard!

fwiw I'd go back home - you'll need your support group to get thru it.

[DreamP346]

Unfortunately most of the people I know with drug problems are those who didn't quit and it ruined their lives (and hurt their loves ones). The ones who were able to quit did so because THEY wanted to, not because somebody forced them to. You can threaten leaving, but unless he makes up this mind that he needs to quit for himself, it will never last.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

haha oh well that's the Aussie in me

See if there is actually a movie, video purely based on someone's life or better a documentary on it, with several people addicted to it and their lives / deaths. If you Google or maybe our members may find an association or something that takes you there as well and can post the wordings (not links )

Visual is the best.

At least perhaps you can see if he fears his life or is fearless. If he's a risk taker which it seems that he is, he maybe fearless but sometimes knock them on the head and they see better. But more so, he has to go and seek help professionally even hypnotherapy something to establish what deep rooted thing it is, that makes him have the need to escape. Because that is what he is doing, escaping from something. I believe.

[Pollon]

He's an addict and addicts do all kinds of things to keep their addiction going. Those include lying, hiding, manipulating, justifying, rationalizing, projecting, etc. etc.

Until he will even admit he is an addict, forget about him quitting. He may do it long enough to keep you around, but that's not going to work long term. In his mind, you're the problem not his addiction. He thinks that if you just lighten up, everything will be fine. He needs professional help or at the least a "program" like Narcotics Anonymous.

You can stay with him, but what you will find is that ever increasing amounts of your life will be devoted to managing, monitoring and accommodating his drug use. Eventually the majority of your mental and emotional energy will be spent in some way or another dealing with his addiction. Thoughts like, is he high, is he using, how much money is this costing, where is he, is he OK, is he safe, can I let the kids go with him, can I trust him, will he get fired, etc. etc. etc.

It goes on and on and on. I'll bet you've already experience a lot of that.

All your love and pestering will not save him. You need to save yourself.

You say to him,

"I love you and want a future with you. However, I cannot live with the drug use. I am going to move out or back to Australia. I will not date anyone else for six months. The only contact I will have with you is progress reports on your treatment. If needed, I will participate in your treatment. In six months I will CONSIDER resuming this relationship IF you can show me, through treatment records and letters from your doctor, that you are no longer using. I will not live with you again until you can show me that you have been clean and sober for another six months after that."

Don't, however, expect him to change. This little speech is to empower you to stand up for yourself, get away from him and get yourself in a position where you can have a relationship with a healthy man.

Good luck

[Wondering_Star]

Thanks again guys.

Pollon, I just found myself nodding along to everything that you just wrote. It's so true and most of it, like you say, I have already experienced. I don't wan this to go on forever, I've practically given up speaking to him about it. He wants to talk about it, so I let him, but he just sprouts the same excuses every time and I've told him that I don't want to listen and I walk away. I've been trying to separate myself from him bit by bit, you know, going out without him, trying to make other friends (as I don't really have that many) and it's been ok. I guess what I'm trying to do is see if I can try and enjoy myself and be more outgoing and prove to myself that if we break up anytime soon (or later) that maybe by doing all this prep work it wont be so bad? If that makes sense?

He said he went to the doctor and she gave him a referral to a psych, but so far no appointment has been made. I've been sleeping on the couch until he makes that appointment. But, just like you say, he wont do it for me, he will do it if he wants to do it. Which is probably the hardest part for me to accept.

I know he's had reasons for using, stuff from his childhood. He was seeing a psych back in Australia for many years, clearly that doesn't work. So long as he believes he is, as he calls it, a "functioning addict", he goes to work and does his job well and has some what of a social life, then it's not so bad and he can "control it". I know these are just lies he tells himself to justify his using and it's all BS and I in no way think it's ok.

jen, part of me wants to go home for the whole support network, but I've only just arrived in London and this is a once in a lifetime thing that I will ever get to do (you can only get the visa once in your life) so it's really hard coz I want to go back home to be with familiar people and all but I don't want to throw in the towel and give up this life either....argh, it's a hard choice :-(

I feel like I'm going around in circles, but thanks again for all your advice. It has made me feel a bit better and maybe a little stronger, in a way.