[effy2014]

I think keeping score in a relationship is really destructive.

It is. But when relationships deteriorate and you feel like you are shouldering all of the burdens, a reminder of what the other person does is helpful. My ex decided to quit her job to be a stay at home Mom but not a stay at home Wife. She wouldn't cook or clean the house or, for that matter, be intimate at all. My epiphany came one night when I got home at 7 pm and had to start cooking dinner for 5 in a house that was (to be charitable) a pig sty. Still in my suit, juggling 3 pots and setting the table, she wanders in the kitchen from watching TV and has to ask "do you want me to do anything?". Sigh.

Each person has an obligation to contribute to the relationship -- it does not have to be equal (whatever that means anyway) but it has to be meaningful to the other person. When one person feels that they are carrying a disproportionate share AND feels unappreciated, the relationship is on a downward spiral. I have no idea what is precisely going on in Calibri's relationship, but her partner is acting like he is the only one contributing (i.e. her contribution is a nice pair of legs). He seems to be keeping score.

[rcoreyus]

I think that when you feel you need to keep score, there is already a very big problem, and keeping score won't make it any better.

[calibri~]

I think that when you feel you need to keep score, there is already a very big problem, and keeping score won't make it any better.

Its OK Effy, I appreciate your words and stories, you are a kind and caring soul, but rcoreyus seems to have picked up on the fact that after years of this situation, I am starting to act a bit that way too and I hate it. My memory is terrible and I'm too forgiving to keep bringing up old transgressions, but I have to admit I that after years of feeling like im nothing, like im pathetic and useless and always wrong, I feel some satisfaction if I get the opportunity to 'score a point' - childish though it is (that's pretty shameful huh?)...(eg pointing out if he leaves washing on the floor after yelling at me for doing exactly that <turns out that was done on purpose to prove a point to me...sigh>).... I dont want to be like that, it's awful, and happens rarely, but I'm really ashamed to stoop to that level for some recognition or consideration. I absolutely agree that it is destructive and a serious problem, and I cannot defend that behaviour at all. I dont really know if I'm contributing nothing or everything to this relationship, I have totally lost sight of who I am with him, all I know is that right now this situation is not good enough for either of us. I guess its up to me to make the effort. Maybe then I can start sleeping properly again. Ever since seeing a counseller my snxiety levels have risen to a problematic level. Its so much less stressful not to dig and not try and heal things, but ultimately, avoiding sorting our problems out one way or another isnt fair on either of us.

[effy2014]

Use therapy to figure out what you need and want out of a relationship and life -- not just to deal with your current relationship. It may be painful at first, but in the long run, it will be beneficial. I wish you luck in sorting things through. A relationship in which you are made to feel pathetic and useless can't be much fun.

[rcoreyus]

Just so I'm not misunderstood. I think that a relationship should be equal - that it should feel to both like both are doing their fair share. Its just that when it gets to the point that you need to keep track, that means that you already feel it isn't fair. You get into the mode of doing something for your partner as a sort of payment.

All of this relationship sounds unhappy. Is there any good here? Anything that makes you happy?