[CrystalMinds]

Hello ladies!

I've been having some confidence issues for a while, though trying to put myself over that. I've never had a lot of friends, but last year I've been accepted in this group of 10-15 ish people. I got along with all of them so I was happy that they accepted me as I am. I've gotten a few compliments over the past month (friend A told me these, they were given when I wasn't there) that I've opened up a lot and stuff like that.
Now a month and a half ago, that same friend A told me something another friend said about me behind my back, something as: "she used to be a bit of a crybaby when it came to boyfriends, but she's matured a lot". I don't know if I should be offended or take it as a compliment. First I thought it was a friend from highschool who's also in that same group of friends, but now I know it was someone who met me a year ago and meant that I've matured in a year about boyfriends.
So I was a bit upset when friend A told me this, he didn't want to tell me who told me, but by thinking I think I know who it was. I'm not gonna address that person since she doesn't know I know.

Anyway, last night, when hanging out with two other (guy)friends, I told friend A that I don't need to know what people say behind my back about me if it's bad, that it's still stuck in my head, that it was childish to tell me the "gossip" but not who told him and that if he knew me just a little bit, he knew it would bother me. Now I don't know if I was overreacting by talking about it again last night (I never mentioned it after he told me a month and a half ago), I just had to get it off my chest.

I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing or ranting, but it's been bothering me a bit.

[Stillness]

Now a month and a half ago, that same friend A told me something another friend said about me behind my back, something as: "she used to be a bit of a crybaby when it came to boyfriends, but she's matured a lot". I don't know if I should be offended or take it as a compliment.

Take it as a compliment.

I just hung out with some good old friends who came in to town. I loved them before and I love them now. I mentioned to my wife that I really had a good time and that one of them had matured. My wife said that the same friend said that she had never had that much fun with me and that I was in such a good mood.

My comment didn't mean I thought that she was immature before. Her comment didn't mean I was a downer before. We just really hit it off in a way we hadn't before and appreciated the growth we saw in each other. Yours is a bit of a negative comment on your past, but we all have negative traits (or traits that others see as negative). Saying that someone has grown or matured is a compliment. Take it that way, keep growing, and keep it moving.

[CrystalMinds]

Thank you for your insight, I actually didn't look at it like that and just focused on the negative part. I do hope my guy friends don't think I'm an insecure dramaqueen after last night when I mentioned it. I just stated my opinion and got over it.
Thanks!

[Stillness]

You're most welcome. And welcome to the boards, CrystalMinds.

[effy2014]

Stillness has a great perspective and a good way for you to look at things in the future. We all get complements with reference to our prior behaviors. No one can say that you have matured or grown if they have no reference point. These are really supportive comments and show that you are on the right track. Of course, "constructive criticism" is also helpful unless you believe that you can't learn from others.

Here is one: the "kill the messenger" approach will backfire on you every time. You appreciated A for giving you the positive comments and then slammed him for the stuff you didn't want to hear. A wasn't spreading gossip and he had no idea how you would react (which was not very well). That was your bad, not his. You now run three risks: (i) A will think that you blow things up out of proportion; (ii) A won't tell you anything about how the group feels about you (which could make you more insecure around them; or (iii) A will (as you asked) filter things before he talks to you ... and he will inevitably make the wrong decision about what it what not to tell you. Apologize to him and see if you can repair that relationship.

Vent to us next time. We can give you perspective and you don't have to overreact.

[CrystalMinds]

Thanks for your reply effy2014! I do think it's good I will talk to that friend A about it, though to be honest I don't know how or where to bring up the conversation and what to tell him...

[effy2014]

No need for a plan -- just talk to him. Even text him. Just say you have had time to think about your conversation with him and were concerned that you overreacted and realize now that he was just being a friend. See where it goes from there.

[CrystalMinds]

I just did, thanks to you. I told him I should've handled it differently, that I know he hadn't said it with bad intentions, that I know I shouldn't focus on the negative. He accepted my apology and I'm glad I said it. I told him I just needed to say that I'm done with it now. Just seems like I have so many confidence issues, some people see me as a bit of an airhead (when I'm actually a master at uni) and that kind of hurts. I like to dress nicely and all that, use some make up and look nice, but apparently that makes people think I'm stupid.

[effy2014]

The best idea is to take steps to build your confidence level. People who judge your intelligence level by the way you dress (especially by being nicely dressed) are not people to hang out with. It sounds like their criticism is more jealousy than an honest critique. One idea may be to get to know one or two members of the new group very well -- A seems like a person to start with. A female would be good as well. Let them get to know you -- the real intelligent you -- and word will spread.

Do your best to keep your emotions in check and things will definitely improve.

[CrystalMinds]

Thank you. They all know me a lot better know and their opinions about me have changed for the better. There's more to me than meets the eye. They got to know me and they like me, as far as I know, haha. I'll work on my confidence issues, have a look around on how to actually do that.