[effy2014]

A very compelling analysis Kitty. In that instance you sensed a huge hole in the relationship and used the information about the indiscretion (it is hardly an affair) in hopes it would save it. It was a wake-up call to you that the relationship was heading into a downhill spiral. He sensed the same holes but seems to have used the information to plan his exit strategy. I wonder if you had just gone to therapy and exposed the holes, without the incident, would the result have been any different? Would he have fought for you and the relationship?

After reading all of the posts, I am still unconvinced that in a complete one-off -- a mistake in a relationship that is generally good -- that the information does any good. Maybe that scenario does not exist. Maybe people are only susceptible to making mistakes when there are real problems. As a man, I can see scenarios where it could happen even though my SO and I have a wonderful relationship. Heck, three years ago, I could have imagined her sleeping with her ex just to get the closure she needed in the the prior relationship. I wouldn't want to know.

Perhaps I should add to the one off scenario that I wouldn't want to know unless the information would be useful to stopping the slide in our relationship. Unfortunately, despite my express instructions, she would tell me anyway to rid herself of the guilt and because I have a right to know even if I don't want to know.

[jen1447]

Pretty strong stuff kitty.

[atskitty2]

It was Jen.

[Something_Awesome]

Long story short, during all the flirting, games & playing around, I let one of them kiss me. It was "innocent" enough, closed mouth peck. I instantly felt some thing inside me well up & I had to excuse myself to the restroom. One of my colleagues was in there too, and she said something to the effect that I looked like I'd never fooled around on my husband, and that they do it all the time. I didn't respond, just left, hailed a cab & went back to my room.

I laid there all that night, contemplating what it meant, that I'd allowed something to go so far. That I'd allowed another man to touch me. My mind raced all night, and all the next day.

You had this reaction because you are a super star person. It sounds like you felt almost traumatized from the whole ordeal. You can't fake decency. Your reaction was genuine and is a testament to your decency!

On the plane home, I decided I had to tell him. It was a "cry for help" and I didn't even realize how far apart we really had drifted... I told him every single thing I could remember about that night - the things that mattered, the things that didn't. I was in tears (which is rare for me) and I poured out my heart to my husband. I told him all that I'd been talking to our counselor about (again) and what I'd done in SD, and how I felt about what I had done, and what I still felt about him. I told him I feared we were losing our marriage & that if we both don't make changes, we will lose our marriage. I told him this is a symptom of the disconnect that has occurred, that I don't want another man touching me in any romantic way,etc, etc....on & on. I told him I longed for him to touch me or even just SEE him, etc etc. I bared my soul to him, I really did.

He said, "so you didn't sleep with him?" No, I didn't. "That's still cheating in my eyes", he said. Mine too. "Thanks for telling me, I'm glad you did".

That was about all that was said...I couldn't get him to talk about it that day - I gave him some time to process that news, and tried to get him to open up later. He wouldn't. "It's ok, it's all over".

After I read the above, I was already thinking the same thing you went on to say. That telling him revealed his "level of awareness, willingness & commitment to the relationship." I would have told him too.

After the divorce, he acknowledges the cheating I did, as well as every thing I ever did wrong, to the whole world...maintaining his perfection in their eyes. I've told close friends & only close family my side of the events if they ask.

Wow, I admire your maturity in not engaging him in a battle to show who the villain is. Personally, I've always felt that I'd have no problem saying a breakup was my fault, regardless of reason (so long as she was not malicious or reckless), if someone in my social circle asked. Guys should just man up and take it in my opinion.

I still regret that night. I will never forget it. But somehow, I feel that if it hadn't happened, I'd still be in that miserable marriage, floating along thinking we'll work it out, that he'll come around. When in reality, he'd really left me long before I realized it.

EUREKA KITTY!

[atskitty2]

No, effy I think the outcome was inevitable. There's a lot more drama involved that I won't delve into here.

He also was having some mental health issues. My counselor believes this based on my info and her limited interactions with him. I don't know for sure. It could have just been the abuse of alcohol on a regular basis bringing out dark parts of him, even when he wasn't drinking. I will never know. I suppose.

There was actually a time I was worried he would hurt me to avoid the stain of divorce on his image. He had changed so dramatically, i can hardly believe there weren't some biological components to such changes.

[atskitty2]

SA, I was no doubt traumatized.

I truly believed that he would recognize it as a sign of how bad things were, and we would start working on it.
I was terrified of losing him. I thought the caring sweet man I loved would have an enlightening and sweep me off my feet again. Ha! Such a childish notion! Lol

We had a beautiful friendship and very meaningful romance up until things unraveled. We were close and i thought very happy.