[Stillness]

The logic of the people saying it should be withheld misses at least two things: (1) Just because you don't tell doesn't mean that they won't find out. (2) Just because they don't know doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them.

[effy2014]

Well, sharing the info with that person doesn't absolve us the guilt, if we feel any, for what we've done. I still feel some level of sorry for mistakes I've made many years ago, that I confessed and was forgiven for.

And, I kind of think if I were capable of cheating for any reason and not feel some remorse or betrayal in my actions, that's a problem in itself.

And if we are dealing in hypothetical, still, why would I violate the commitment and trust? the one I committed to has a right to know I shared my intimacy with someone else. I think it's indicative of a problem in a committed relationship when you choose to go outside those bounds for even a once in a lifetime chance. I think it still shows some level of dissatisfaction that probably needs addressed.

That used to be my feeling, Kitty, but life presents us with a host of challenges every day. While we are responsible for our actions, I could see a set of circumstances where our weaknesses get the better of us. I am less a believer in absolutes as I age. Do really good people drive drunk? Reason would say no given the consequences but the real answer is yes -- give a depressed person the right trigger and a few drinks.

My point was less about the cheating than the information about it. Do I have a right to know? Maybe. But under the "never again will I cheat" cheating, please please keep it to yourself. If the cheating was about an underlying level of dissatisfaction, yes, I want to know about the dissatisfaction. Just me.

[effy2014]

The logic of the people saying it should be withheld misses at least two things: (1) Just because you don't tell doesn't mean that they won't find out. (2) Just because they don't know doesn't mean it doesn't hurt them.

I agree with the first. But then I can choose to react to the information. If my SO told me, there is no way not to react.

I don't with the second. If I don't know it then I don't have to react to it. If I am not there when the tree falls, I don't care if it makes a sound.

[jen1447]

I fall on kitty's side with this. I'll acknowledge that confessing to cheating is mainly for the welfare of the guilty party, but it still has to be done. If you don't, you've got secrets, and secrets are no way to carry out a longterm relationship.

We may think that 'don't ask/don't tell' is a kindness to the victim, but IMO it's really not. I've seen a few instances where this sort of thing has come out first-hand (and heard of a lot more), and while the victim is always hurt by it, they're also always angry at not having been told and being made to feel like a fool or a child who can't handle the truth. If you respect them, you'll tell them (assuming you want to salvage or repair the relationship at all - if you don't you have bigger issues).

[Stillness]

Sometimes the cover-up and lying as bad or worse than the crime itself. If anything, I would think that the reaction to being told by a contrite spouse would be better than finding out later after they had covered it up.

Let's say that the paparazzi caught sp and Brad Pitt and released the photos months later. All the while, her husband had believed that she was all alone on the solo vacation. Now he's blindsided by pictures all over the media. Is he better off that way or if she had come right out with it herself?

And you're not married to a tree. Let's say a woman's husband gets his one night stand pregnant. Now he has to use his time, energy, and their money dealing elsewhere - presumably lying the whole time. She doesn't know, but it's costing her. Or let's say that your wife's affair gives her herpes. Or just dealing with the guilt makes her less pleasant.

[effy2014]

I fall on kitty's side with this. I'll acknowledge that confessing to cheating is mainly for the welfare of the guilty party, but it still has to be done. If you don't, you've got secrets, and secrets are no way to carry out a longterm relationship.

We may think that 'don't ask/don't tell' is a kindness to the victim, but IMO it's really not. I've seen a few instances where this sort of thing has come out first-hand (and heard of a lot more), and while the victim is always hurt by it, they're also always angry at not having been told and being made to feel like a fool or a child who can't handle the truth. If you respect them, you'll tell them (assuming you want to salvage or repair the relationship at all - if you don't you have bigger issues).

I don't know. Dealing with not telling on top of the cheating vs. never finding out, it's not even close to me. I'm just an oddity.

[jen1447]

Chances are they'll find out tho, to some degree or other. Even if it's just "something's wrong." Couples tend to have or develop a sixth sense like that which can detect even the slightest deviation in conditions at times. So the likely outcome is that your SO goes around wondering longterm what that thing you never told him/her about really was, and wondering if/when it will happen again. Permanent wedge between the two of you.

There's obviously a threshold of grievance that has to be met here ....I'm not saying you have to rush home and confess to your SO that you thought "what a bich" after you fought that morning, but an affair of any kind will always cross that threshold. Even just an emotional one.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it depends.

If it's a girlfriend, boyfriend, situation you are not married, you haven't committed to the "rest of our lives".

There is so much temptation out there. There are also those that leech onto a vulnerable person who is going through emotional stress over a relationship.

Somewhere deep inside, the person cheated on knows that their relationship was on the rocks at that time, I don't believe you can forget, I do believe you can forgive and I do believe in a person that cheats once can see that error and never do it again. It's called learning.

However, a married couple? Have the same problem (if) they felt they loved but had not gone down the journey or falling in love being two as one, soul mates. In my opinion, if you are a soul mate, you never jeopardize that. That is what Fantasy is all about, dreams until you can communicate enough to cross the problem, fix it and feel in love again.

You can love someone and marry but still not know them, still be learning about them, their ways, things you love, things you don't like, get totally confused as to whether you are in love or not in love, whether they really are the one or not the one, still feel as if you are single in a way... This is where it gets un-stuck.

It's still a learning process. And, in that I class those marriages as still a "relationship growing".

All relationships take work. If someone loves someone enough they will listen, process and communicate over it, sure it hurts, they may even hide that hurt but in weighing up the reasons, the love you can get past it but I doubt you'd ever forget it.

The difference is, are you strong enough to hear it, accept it, learn from it together and move on.

Or are you the jealous type that gets angry, hurt, feels mis-trust can't jump it and leave.

Honesty is always the best policy in my opinion, what comes of it is up to the individual.

We've all been hurt in our lives nothing is going to change that.

[atskitty2]

I think that what is good for one is good for the other, in a committed life together. Conversely what is bad for me, would be bad for my partner.
I think that's true of any aspect of our lives, physical, mental, emotional, financial...it's nearly impossible for some guilt or secret to be kept and not come out in some way, affecting the relationship.

[Patti-here]

I just go by this simple rule ' The truth will set you free' I've never cheated though, and I don't see any reason why I ever would.